Whew, are we glad to be able to sit back and watch the world burn.

The Big-12 was pantsed by the Sun-Belt in Week 1, TCU and Baylor still haven’t played a game this season, and you could argue the same for Oklahoma State. Heck, even OU failed to cover against Bobby Petrino’s FCS project that boasts a .236 winning percentage the past 5 years.

So in the chillest of all schedules, Texas got to take a week off after playing almost two whole quarters against UTEP. The Horns look to do what they did with aplomb against UTEP and take to the air. McRaven’s troops leading an Air Raid on Lubbock, Texas should bring back nostalgia for the days when the Raid fell mostly on the Plains. But since Mike Leach has taken his talents to the Pac-12 SEC, the Red Raiders have been an eye-popping 30-59 in conference (.337). And what have they put on tape for the Longhorn coaching staff to digest this year?

The fighting Matt Wellses were a failed two-point conversion from falling to Houston Baptist, a program that started in 2013 and won 1 game in 2017 and 2018. Just imagine what Senior Sam can do if something called “Bailey Zappe” can pass for [*quadruple checks stats*] 567 yards on this defense! If you’re taking your cues from the offensive juggernauts who play home games in the backyard of a CVS, Caden Sterns might want to consider switching sides of the ball, as his brothers absolutely eviscerated the Tech “defense.”

Texas should have the absolute best insider information because in addition to the Sterns brothers:

• Joseph Ossai’s brother had 6 tackles, a PBU, and a hurry
• Someone named Isaiah Cash had 10 tackles and an INT, and I’m just assuming he’s related to Kai Money

The Longhorns are back, bringing an alliterative Top Ten Texas Team to the very weird Plains of North Texas. This is a place where things have historically gotten weird at night, a place where CDC of any kind is seen as the enemy. So Texas’ CDC, armed with safe practices from the government-variety CDC, hopes to leave Lubbock without a Rash (or a rash of Covid-19 cases) to show for it.

Hook ‘Em

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Better Know a Roster

Jonathan Garibay (PK, Jr.) - It’s nice to see Rufio grew up to join an entirely new group of Lost Boys (see again, 30-59 in conference post-Mike Leach) in Neverland (the Big 12 that isn’t Texas or OU). BANGARANG!

SaRodorick Thompson (RB, So.) - Are we sure it was a street racing incident and not simply SaRodorick getting caught in a failed attempt to leave LBK in the rearview? “Brave Sir Rodorick ran away...”

McLane Mannix (WR, Sr.) -

Maverick McIvor (QB, R-Fr.) - No matter how you voted in the poll above, this is the guy most closely associated with it as head coach/pilot/professor/lead guitarist

Alexander Poole (DL, Jr.), Jack Anderson (OL, Jr.) - Tell me that you don’t see two giant, grown, 300 lb babies hiding behind facial hair:

Colin Schooler (LB, Sr.) - We very clearly got the “cooler Schooler.” How many touchdowns did Colin have in his first game?

Troy Te’o (DL, Jr.) - Can you believe that Lennay Kekua and Manti Te’o’s son is old enough to play college football himself?

Joseph Plunk (DB, Fr.) - Basically just looking for an excuse to share this video:

Henry Teeter (TE, So.) - While his older brother Harris founded a distinguished East Coast grocery, younger bro Hank mentioned on Twitter wanting to open “Teeter’s Titter,” channeling his inner-Tweeder.

Austin Brougham (WR, Jr.) - This one feels just a little on the nose. But get a load of these Brohams:

Cole Boyd (QB, R-Fr.), Chance Cover (LB, R-Fr.) - Chance sounds like The Rapper’s degenerate-gambler-of-a-brother. But the same douches from a year ago, are back on their bullshit. I’d like to blame Covid for this bro-fliction, but these are clearly pre-existing conditions.

Ty Morrow (OL, Jr.) - “Bet your bottom dollar that” Ty Morrow hates musicals.

Jackson Baggett (LB, R-Fr.) - Having a name that says what your job will be after school? For Tech it’s Grocery Baggett...for Texas? I guess that’d be Kai Money!

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Around the World in 80 seconds

• This was technically Week 3 for college football, as evidenced by UTEP improving to a winning record of 2-1 (technically their best season since 2016 already) and poor Austin Peay losing their third game
• It was a week that allowed ACC conference rivals Clemson and Notre Dame to recover from average openers against lower half teams to Emphatic Playoff Statements! against cellar dwellers (Texas really wishes we could’ve played Charlie’s former USF, who may be worse than UTEP)
• The Big 12 was mostly held out of action, and Oklahoma State tried to make a case that Tulsa, instead of them, gets to bet the state of Oklahoma’s #2 Mean Girl behind OU’s Regina George
• The SEC basically just sat out the “grade inflation” part of their schedule where they each add 3 FCS wins or a whole point on the GPA. Now watch ESPN Professors grade the entire conference outside of Alabama being 5-5 on the wickedest curve you’ve ever seen
• The Big 10 couldn’t stand to see all of us having fun without them, so like the older cousin who calls whatever the other kids are playing “stupid,” he is now banging on the door begging to be up next
• Houston? They have a problem. UNT canceling on the Cougs makes it four straight season openers forced to postpone/cancel. The Big 10 may end up playing before them, and somehow this feels like karma for Holgorsen making his kids tank to not play last year, either
• Deion Sanders is now the head coach for Jackson State, a huge win for HBCU football. Admittedly it seems like a glorified reality show for Barstool Sports at this point, but here’s hoping Dave Portnoy chokes on a honey bun!

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Now! That’s What I Call Moo-zik — Vol. 2.2

“Still The One”, Shania Twain: Look how far we’ve come, Sammy.

“Sicko Mode”, Travis Scott: Please, Lord. Do not let this be how we leave Lubbock.

“There Goes My Baby”, Usher: Big Malcolm Roach eating, Big Chuck Sacking, Malcolm Brown rhymes with touchdown for a reason, Big Dick(son) swinging. The NFL season is young, but across every division, every phase of the ball, Longhorns are showing out. Makes me wish we treated them better while they were here. Who knew how good we had it? Hey Alexa, play my “breakup babymakers playlist.” Time for a sad nap.

“Summer’s End”, John Prine: Well first, RIP to the legend John Prine. Nothing gets me fired up like a good ol’ metaphor comparing the changing of the season to entering the latter years of one’s existence.

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Predictions

Intern Eli: Sam puts 450 yards on ‘em. Then after the first quarter, Hudson gets his TD Card filled. The fact that there is now yet another virus to be scared of when traveling through Lubbock is the only thing to be worried about with this one. Texas 56, Tech 10.

VY Pump Fake: Where’s the GoFundme for the hermetically sealed bubbles we need to send every player to Lubbock in? This is a question I’ve posed every year, regardless of COVID. Lubbock you nasty. Texas 45-7.

Kyle Carpenter: Texas comes back to earth when playing a team that is at least one order of magnitude better than UTEP. Very conservative estimate is 52-21, Texas.

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Sponsor

If you loved the Snack Mask, feast your mouths on this:

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Parting Shot

Texas Longhorn defensive linemen Keondre Coburn and T’Vondre Sweat are dropping a song about food!! That’s a Quarter Ton of Fun!

To celebrate, we thought we’d try our own hand at it. Here is Intern Eli performing “Aggie School Opt Out” set to the tune of ‘Beauty School Drop Out’, naturally: