As you are no doubt aware, this week is about hate. The kind of hate that makes an otherwise respectable grown man turn into a spittin', swearin', petulant man-child. No I am not talking about Longhorn "kicker" Nick Rose, I am talking about the no good, yellow-bellied, vermin who invade Dallas this time of year like cockroaches in a South Texas Motel (not that OU needs a motel when they can park a third of Norman's real estate in Lot C).
No point in beating around with a switch. Let's get this party started.
Oklahoma - A Love Letter
First things first - your entire school is built from the ground up on the concept of stealing things. You took the Yale fight song, ravaged it through the least creative rewrite in music history, then made your band beat it into the ground ad nauseam, just like you did to the native population of your state. Yeah I went there. A few scholarships and a statue or two doesn't erase that kind of history. Especially when your mascot is named for people who illegally stole land (Sooners) and killed Native Americans (Boomers) to get it. That's only a few degrees of national ignorance away from Washington Redskins territory.
Speaking of territory - Texas Football might be a bit of a dumpster fire at the moment, but your state has been fulfilling the role of national receptacle since it's inception. People voluntary came to Texas on wagons emblazoned with "GTT." Some even laid down their lives to preserve the mere idea of Texas (you know the place - we named a bowl game after it). People were FORCED to move to Oklahoma.
The Oklahoma state flag is all kinds of awful. Graphic designers have been killed over less. Protip - if you have to put the state name on your flag you are doing it wrong. I could put the Texas flag here for comparison, but I don't need to. You know exactly what it looks like. We put it on everything. It is awesome.
("I dunno JimBob. Just put some stolen Indian stuff on there and a cookie. I like cookies")
The flag is awful, but surely you guys came up with a better tagline? Nope. For years your official state license plate said "Oklahoma is OK." Nevermind--I take it back. Most accurate description ever.
You don't even like yourselves enough to build your own traditions. To this day, every third OU shirt is a straight up reference to why UT sucks. You throw "horns down" when playing Baylor. Sure, A&M comes across as a little cultish at times, but at least they had the decency to be creative about it.
Did you know that every shirt you purchase with the upside down Longhorn sends a nice fat royalty check to Austin? There's a guy somewhere whose entire job is reversing the machinery at the NCAA metal decal factory so that it packages the car magnets upside down so you idiots will buy them.
Let's talk a little about weaponry. We'll set aside the whole "shooting the natives" issue aside for a moment and just talk about firepower. I'm beginning to see why we do this game in Dallas every year, because a state fair has got to be the only place a Ruf/Nek* can find that kind of weaponry. I believe I got something similar when I was a young lad and it shot marshmallows a lot farther than than those "Boomsticks" ever will. If you want some real stopping power, I'll be happy to hand the mic over to my associate Mr. McCoy.
*Let's take a minute to really delve into this group of heros. Ruf/Nek is presumably the word roughneck, but stylized and misspelled as white-trashy as possible. Assuming the misspelling was intentional, what the hell is with the capitalization and slash in the middle? Ruf or Nek? Ruf divided by neck? Were they trying to build their DarrenRovellBrandTM by also making it an applicable name for a 90s meth/house DJ? Please follow the link to their student page for gems such as "As RUF/NEKS, we pledge to continue the traditions of the University of Oklahoma and the traditions of our club. This sections explains some of our traditions and the reasons behind them. You can click on the names of the traditions to see a picture."
And don't get me started on your beer laws. Having to drink twice as much for the same buzz hasn't been doing anything for your waistlines.
Of course your school would be best known academically for a profession that is about as accurate as tea leaf readings when you get more than 7 days out. That's about as good of a forecast record as The Pregamer. Where's our scholarship? Where's our cushycar dealership job?
The most well known resident of your state is a guy who is famous for commenting on men pounding each other in their underwear and literally kissing his boss' ass. While UT football players have gone on to successful careers in real estate, investment banking and other respectable ventures, OU has produced...professional wrestlers.
CASE McCoy beat you. We don't even need a paragraph for that one.
The Oklahoma City Thunder are definitely the best thing that ever happened to your sorry state--and even that required the help of a Longhorn (and it's own share of thievery). Try not to get too excited if you see KD walking the sidelines this week. He's not cheering for your team. He was never on THAT team. Make sure you enjoy his services while you can guys, ‘cause NOBODY in the NBA is coming in free agency to your little piece of nowhere if they have any options. Not when they can sign somewhere with no income tax, a beach, or an international airport (Will Rogers "World" Airport, LOLZ).
There's a good chance we are going to lose on Saturday. It's the worst. But at the end of the day we get to head back to Austin (that town you'll make fun of right up till the moment of graduation, then will litter its collective inboxes with resumes). Even with the W, y'all have to cross the border and back into obscurity.
So here's to you Oklahoma. Even at your best you're the Chachi on Happy Days. Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. The Arlington of the DFW metropolitan area. Go screw yourself.
Sincerely and Hook ‘Em,
Better Know a Roster (Full of Scumbags)
For the first time ever, this BKaR section is life-and-death important. You truly better know these guys; especially you ladies.
- Dorial Beckham-Green - Five star wide receiver who was dismissed from Mizzou after a string of arrests, the final one involving an incident in which he allegedly broke into his girlfriend's house, dragged her out by her neck, and pushed her roommate down MULTIPLE flights of stairs. OU actually tried to waive his mandatory ineligible year for transferring due to hardship.
- Joe Mixon - Five star running back Mixon, not unlike a certain NFL running back, was caught on tape punching a woman in the face with the full force of a muscular and peak-shape football player. He promptly left the scene. The police refused to release tapes, and an FOI request only got the tape screened to reporters. He is currently facing a misdemeanor charge.
Both of these players are still currently on the roster, redshirting for 2014, and will bolster OU's title hopes in 2015. Charlie Strong would've kicked each of them off the team. Twice.
(This portion isn't very funny. Especially considering what we usually write about. But it didn't seem right to make jokes about these two or ignore them. We promise the rest is much more amusing.)
Better Know the Rest (of the More Garden-Variety Scoundrels):
- Justice Hansen (QB, FR) - People never talk about the 4th Hanson Brother who went into law enforcement. Mmmcop, indeed.
- Stanvon Taylor (CB, SO) - It's impressive to be named after the Van Gundy who is Ron Jeremy's doppelgänger.
- Dallis Todd (WR, FR) - 18 years ago was a classic, if unfortunate, overtime loss after which Mr. Todd was most likely conceived in a bush on the fairgrounds. Given this speculation, it's hard to understand how they still misspelled "Dallas."
- Dakota Austin (CB, SO) - the Bon Iver hipster of the gridiron with a name combining hip and wilderness.
- Kenyon Frison (OT, FR) - Cockney slang for Prison.
- Curtis Bolton (LB, FR) - #Crimsonwedding
- Kane Snowden (DT, SO) - Lauded as a hero to the Longhorns after he leaked classified OU playbook information.
- Aaron Ripkowski (FB, SR) - I imagine "Ripkowski" being how Big-10 country jokes about flatulence.
- Wesley Horky (LS, FR) - I would agree if you thought this name was as much Arkansas as Oklahoma. Mothercousins either way.
- Torrea Peterson (DT, SR) - Last name "coincidently" rhymes with "beater son." Also gonorrhea.
- Jordan Smallwood (WR, FR) - The jokes write themselves.
- Dannon Cavil (WR, FR) - His nickname? Yogurt Superman.
- Ruben Hunter (LB, SO) - "On the hunt for a perfect pile of corned beef...he is: Reuben Hunter."
Oklahoma Suks Beer
TejasChaos: I once watched a group of drunk Sooners, upset they were getting throttled by RichRod's Mountaineers, attempt to drown their sorrows by singing karaoke with a jukebox in the corner of the bar. They pick, played, and sang along to Country Road TWICE before they realized what they were doing (you'd think "West Virginia, Mountain Momma" would have clued them in). As long as Sooners are out there being Sooners, we got a chance.
Texas 10-7. Oh who are we kidding? We can't hit a field goal. Texas 14-10.
KyleCarpenter: Texas playing spoiler again, up 24-20 with 11 seconds remaining. Sooners have the ball near midfield. Quad receivers to the right, Hail Mary imminent. Trevor Knight drops back, breaks an arm tackle, and scrambles away to the left with no one on that entire half of the field. Knight to the 30, 25, 20, 15... and then, like a game of NFL Blitz, Trevor Knight inexplicably fumbles the ball out of bounds as time expires.
Sam Bradford sheds a single tear.