The Texas Pregamer: Oklahoma State

Wickline Warfare

On January 15^th, the Horns hired Joe George Washington Wickline. On October 17^th OSU fired shots, suing Wickline for breach of contract. Don't tread on Wick, pokes. We will roll into Stillwater guns blazing, Wickline-defending Matlock in tow. It's not just a battle for bowl eligibility, but it is a war for the very color orange.

Bolstered by a Strong win over WVU, the Horns will try to erase the memory of last year's drubbing at DKR. A possibly hobbled Swoopes will need to overcome a regression filled performance as the entire offense hopes to bounce back from an abysmal 2^nd half vs the Mountaineers. On the other hand, Coach Rumph is catching up on his bass fishing this week as Wickline picks up DL coaching duties in addition to his daily responsibilities as Offensive Coordinator and Play Caller. He's even got Cedric Reed memorizing OSU weakness flashcards:

Paul Lewis (C) is a huge Britney fan. Hum some "Baby One More Time" to throw him off the snap count. Insult Britney to cloud his eyes with running mascara.

Daniel Koenig (LT) was secretly fitted with a governor chip which Wick will activate every 3^rd down. Speed rush at will.

Zac Veatch (RG) is sensitive about the size of his ears. Repeatedly reference how he can fly away from the circus if he wants to.

Jeremy Seaton (TE) does not actually exist. He is a backup hologram from Coachella. If he lines up to block, Platform 9 ¾ it.

With key insights like these, the Horns have a built-in advantage heading into the fight for the pivotal 6^th win. Those coveted bowl practices are nearly within reach. With any luck Daxx Garman (QB) will transfer or be ruled ineligible midway through the 2nd quarter. This is not an unreasonable expectation.

Game time, Horns. Let's crowd surf our way to the AdvoCare V100 Texas Bowl!

Hook 'em.

• Daxx Garman (QB, JR) - Daxx, not unlike Pregamer brotherfaves Lynx (Baylor) and Brixx (TX State) Hawthorne, never had a chance at not being a douche. Even before his parents moved him to Southlake. This is also a plea for singularity > plurality: 
  • Daxx vs. Singular: "Dak" is the current favorite to win the Heisman.
  • Lnyx vs. Singular: "Link" kills countless monsters every time he journeys from his home.
  • Brixx vs. Singular: "Brick" is the former-professional-football-playing protagonist of a Tennessee Williams play, and was portrayed by Paul Newman.
• Colby Hegwood (OL, JR) - Coaches recruit players to fit their system. Gundy recruited Hegwood to fit his Sonic the Hedgehog haircut.
• Tyreek Hill (ATH, JR) - Used to be known as TyTheon GrayHill. Now knows his name is...TyREEK.
• Brad Lundblade (OL, FR) - Sounds like a weapon from any number of mid-200s videogame.
• Ramon Richards (CB, FR) - Thanks to this guy's name, I just spent 4 hours watching early WWF and WCW videos of my 2nd favorite childhood wrestler, Razor Ramon. If this guy is half as greasy, sleazy, or utterly fantastic as "The Bad Guy," UT is in for trouble.
• Jaxon Salinas (OL RS-FR) - Little known fact, there are 4 Jaxons in college football (OU, OSU, ASU). There is only one Jaxon Shipley. Suck it, Salinas.
• Zac Veatch (OL, SO) - Son-of-a (Mark & Kathleen) Veatch.
• Chad Whitener (LB, SO) - I would've just assumed this guy was on BYU. Or Wisconsin. Or Adolph Rupp's basketball team.
• Kameron Doolittle (WR, JR) - Did you know they've made 5 Dr. Doolittle's since the original Eddie Murphy remake in 98?!?! I only vaguely remembered that there was a sequel, and that had a budget of $72 million!
• Britton Abbott (FB, FR) - From Liberal, KS. I honestly think just mentioning this guy and the fact that that an ABBOTT was from LIBERAL would've been a better campaign strategy for Wendy Davis.
• Robert Lolofie (DE, FR) - This is one letter away from being "LolOkie," which may be an even better nickname than Okie Lite.

Bull Market Watch

Stock tips straight from the Texas Pregamer Bloomberg Terminal:

• Sofa stocks plummeted in opening trading Monday as a lack of riotous sofa burning over the weekend took a chunk out of expected retail sales.
• Core Values Ltd. saw increased trading volume, attributed to key consumer demographic ‘Moms.'
• Speculative buyers have been quietly purchasing large quantities of call options of Daje Johnson Inc (DJFAST) despite little growth in the most recent earnings release.
• CHUCKSTRONG Mutual Fund continues its slow growth, holding at bay the fund's early critics who balked at the heavy layoffs enacted in the first 3 fiscal quarters of 2014.
• Locker Room Crowd Surfing futures soared as at least one Big 12 team is guaranteed to reach bowl eligibility this coming weekend.
• NYSE released a statement regarding the unusual price spike of penny stock RockChalk (RCKU) Monday morning. While the stock gained only 1% in early trading, it was obviously flagged as an aberration by NYSE internal control and investigated. Surprisingly, no foul play was found. However, 100% of industry analysts expect the stock to revert to prior levels in the coming week.

Legal problems?

Favorite school trying to sneak in a Co-OC title?

Love clapping?

Predictions:

VY Pump Fake: Orange Big 12 team wins game 27-10, becomes bowl eligible despite ongoing legal distractions.

Kyle Carpenter: Oklahoma State has been suing everyone lately, so this Wickline stuff should be no worry. UT will leave ‘em crying (I will not stoop to their level), 24-17.

Tejas Chaos: Aaand we're back. Now that we are all zened out, I'm not in the least bit worried by the TejasChaos Pregamer curse. It's not like the ‘Horns are undefeated when I don't contribute, or that I started writing this column around the time Manny Diaz sounded like a good idea. Nope. Not bothered in the slightest. This week, the rightest shade of orange wins the Bowl Cut.

Parting Shot:

Too Many Cooks?

Despite a poor record, the Longhorns have played them some football in all but 2 games. With a win this week, they become bowl eligible, and besides the obvious chance of getting one of the country's most name brand teams in the Texas or Liberty or Cactus Bowl, Texas has the objective resume to warrant it:

• 5 wins
• A 3-point loss to #12 UCLA, that came down to Duke Thomas biting on a double move for the go-ahead TD at the end of the game.
• A 28-7 loss to Baylor that was much closer than the scoreline suggests, and saw a heroic effort by the defense thwarted by a fake punt and 21 straight Baylor points in the 2nd half.
• A 31-26 loss to Oklahoma in which the better team lost (I see how you feel Matt Leinart) after outgaining the Sooners 482-232.

But against KSU and BYU, Texas played like they were uninvited, spectatin' Case McCoys, happy just to watch the action.

Now what do these teams have in common? The answer isn't mobile caucasian quarterbacks, mascots from the feline family (though...maybe), large amounts of uninhabited land, or a history of shitting all over UT.

The answer is that they simply had..."Too Many* Cooks."

(Every Cook in CFB -- Arkansas x2, Florida St x2, Miami (OH) x2)

Do you think it a coincidence that the two teams who have destroyed the Longhorns were the only two they'll play all year with a guy named Cook on them? If that's the case, then you clearly haven't clicked that link above. Click it now. Enjoy the next 11 minutes of your life, non-Redditor.

Here's to hoping we don't meet up with one of these guys in our hypothetical Bowl game.

(*From the Pregamer Equation Chart, where C = Cooks and 2M = Too Many:

C > 1 = 2M)