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More Coaching Changes Announced at Texas

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Charlie Strong is hiring err'body

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Charlie Strong continues to make his presence felt on the 40 Acres, announcing two coaching hires on the football staff today. However, it appears that Coach Strong is just now warming up. In a move that's sending shockwaves throughout the NCAA coaching fraternity, Texas Longhorns AD Steve Patterson has decided to hand over all hiring decisions to Strong. "I'm really enjoying the results of Charlie's hiring strategy, and we felt it was in everyone's best interest if Charlie took over all coaching hires going forward" Patterson declared to a stunned crowd of reporters. Patterson continued, "I can't quite put my finger on it, but he just seems to lock in on a very specific type of coach. Our Marketing team loves this guy, they've been grinning from the moment he announced his first hire. Well, giggling might be a better way of putting it, but they're ecstatic." Steve Patterson then ceded the podium to Strong, who began to rattle off the new coaches' names.

New Baseball Coach - Justin Blood

Strong: "Coach Garrido has agreed to retire after losing a push-up competition, but we all wish him the best and hope he supports our decision to hire Coach Blood. We're very excited to have Blood on campus, in fact I want to see Blood at every one of our football practices too. You can never have enough Coach Blood."

New Basketball Coach - Bruiser Flint

Strong: "We all loved Coach Barnes, but felt like it was time to move in another direction. Bruiser Flint is exactly the kind of coach I'm looking for. He's tough, strong *wink* and not afraid to get into it with the opposition."

New Women's Basketball Coach - Sheryl Swoopes

Strong: "Tyrone said she's pretty good at the lady basketball, so she's in."

New Swimming Coach - Bill Boomer

Strong: "Coach Reese is great, I guess - I don't really follow the swimming - but Bill Boomer is our man now. I can't wait to see him make some noise in the pool. *double wink* There's going to be some hard hitting going on in the water. They hit each other when they swim, right?"

New Women's Soccer Coach - Clint Hurtt

Strong: "Coach Hurtt is an excellent soccer coach and is in no way going to be coaching the football team. He may show up on a regular basis, offer intricate advice on defensive player technique, and be in the film room often, but his priority is women's soccer. Why are you snickering."

Coach Strong says he'll announce a hire for the Quidditch team as soon as he figures out how to book a ticket to Hogwarts on Orbitz.