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Coach Royal, Grandpa, Scotch and some wisdom

NCAA Football: Maryland at Texas John Gutierrez-USA TODAY Sports

Sunny afternoon day with a slight east to west breeze and the sounds of children playing outside while I pontificate in the man cave.

Hey Coach Royal – We could use a little help here. My Grandpa says you’re the only one who can guide us with your wisdom.

As we all know, the stadium which the beloved Coach’s name appears has been a sight of pride, joy and sheer horrific football at times. I personally feel a connection to the old school way of doing things and thinking.

My grandparents both worked so hard and long at times it seemed they weren’t married. One particular time I asked jokingly if she knew where her husband was. Her reply – “I’ve not received a call for money, booze or an alibi”. Her point was well taken, as he had been working on a deadline and couldn’t get out of it. That deadline? He was planning a trip to for their 30th anniversary to Italy and clocking as much OT as possible. He lived by an old DKR quote – “I know the odds are against a marriage lasting 60 years” **

This all got me to thinking. How would my grandpa shed some wisdom from one of his absolute idols, DKR? Since both are gone, let’s take a journey to a less creepy spiritual world (the Hollywood Medium kid gives off a future rapey vibe)

Hey Grandpa -You in here? Hello? I think I hear “Texas Fight”.

Good to see you let’s talk football and help me understand WWDKRD. ( What Would DKR Do)

“It doesn’t matter what they throw at us. Only angry people win football games.”

Well, yeah, that’s 100% correct. I saw a lot of angry people last Saturday. The problem is that the anger didn’t set in until the 3rd or 4th quarter when shit was being thrown on the field. (BTW – if you do this you’re an asshole) As a team, we really needed to push ourselves, to be angry and attack the crab, turtle, uniform abortion that is Maryland. We allowed them to come in and slap us in the face with a turtle penis offense to the tune of 482 yards, of which, only 219 was via the air on 15 attempts. (seems they followed the man’s wisdom of “3 things can happen when you pass and two of ‘em are bad”

The next logical thing would be for us to pour a couple of glasses of a beverage old enough to strip, join the military and buy a pack of smokes. He’d drop some more wisdom on me.

“You've got to think lucky. If you fall into a mudhole, check your back pocket - you might have caught a fish.”

I get where he’s going now, or at least I think I do. We’re in a mudhole right now, albeit a small one. If we take a second and check I think there might be a fish back there somewhere. If it’s not a fish then I’m in jail like a scene from Mr. Robot and scared. Let’s just call it a fish. So, we didn’t get baptized with fairy dust and eye of newt to turn things around in week one. Got it. Let’s see what we did find out.

There are some great players on both sides of the ball. Hell even special teams was special at times. Suspect play calling, injured QB1 and 51 points scored all happened, we can’t change it. BUT what I was able to see for the 1st time in a long while was a group of guys who actually didn’t lay down or roll over. There was a commitment to finishing the plays (even if they were called by someone using an etch-a-sketch) and no hanging heads. I was always taught that moral victories are forgotten.

Now I’d imagine we are 3-4 drinks deep and that’s when he cuts loose, and everything comes out.

“Football doesn’t build character. It eliminates the weak ones.”

This one is loud and clear. Look around at your friends, people on Twitter, those assholes making meth in a bathtub outside of Norman. Everyone has a positive outlook when things are going great. Once adversity hits the weak waver. You have angry texts and dick pics from your buddies, the Twitter-sphere is bonkers with #fireSomeone #replaceOC #replaceDC and the land thieves are shoving bags of meth in orifices to hide from the cops. Turning the light on we can see people still standing and supporting Tom, the staff and players. Great, we have started the process of alignment and joining a cult.

Now we know who is in for the long haul and not knee-jerk reactions. Looking at the players we can see who has bought in and who hasn’t. (I’m very confident this was discussed in the players only meeting that shouldn’t have been blasted 140 characters at a time). I’ll be on the look out this week for who sticks around if SDSU scores 1st.

“I try not to make the same mistakes today I made yesterday.”

“You never lose a game if the opponent doesn’t score.”

Hey now, that’s a double dose! I feel like we are being smacked with the side of the scotch bottle now. How about not blitzing 7 guys through one gap and leaving the backside open? Northeastern Mutant Ninja Turtle University shouldn’t score 51 on any Texas team, ever. If we score 41 points, we should win. Play solid fundamental defense and stop being cute. Run the damn ball.

Thanks for the time sir, I’ll let you get back to heavenly golf without anyone asking when you’ll be home.


Now that I’ve sat here and wasted away about a half bottle of the good hooch thinking about how life was simple without 140 characters, pokes and snapchat filters. It’s time to focus on Saturday and putting some critics at an arm length. Tom, if you can pull away from the MENSA puzzle of the day and read something, pick this.

Jet Sweep, out. Going to bed.

“Punt returns will kill you quicker than a minnow can swim a dipper.”

Hello? Who’s there?

“I learned this about coaching: You don't have to explain victory and you can't explain defeat.”

Will the two of you please close the garage on your way out? Also, I can hear you complaining about the shade of orange on the uniforms and design changes.

**They eclipsed 60 years of marriage before both passed in 2010. Grandpa - Rest in peace and hopefully you’ve gotten some time with Coach Royal to talk about the wishbone.