Do you ever feel like it’s our fault?
Like there is actually a finite amount of GOOD available to the University of Texas, and we here at the Pregamer are hogging some 65-70% of it? Sure there is the unapproachable reservoir of Good that Swimming & Diving have access to (you could say they’re...swimming in Good Luck). And women’s sports probably gets their own fountain that the men can’t touch (thanks Title IX)...but maybe where the men’s, Big 3 revenue-generating sports go down to the watering hole, we are the fat, bloated, aggressive hippo who keeps running Nice Things away.
Maybe one less phallic joke in the Better Know a Roster, or one less Tom Herman photoshop, and the football team could’ve had less than three consecutive 4th-quarter turnovers. I mean, we trimmed the quality down from photoshop to MS Paint! Throw us a bone, universe!
Week 2: Golden Hurricane
In the spirit of being a ‘Pre’gamer, let’s talk briefly about our opponent. This week the Horns face the Golden Hurricane, a golden weather event I won’t have to awkwardly explain to my 84 year old grandmother. The team has been the Golden Hurricane since 1922, when coach Howard Archer polled his team prior to facing off against Texas A&M. You guessed it! The Aggies lost to the team called TU. That Tulsa team went on to finish the season 8-0 and the name stuck ever since.
The Hurricane nom de plume may have kept for nearly a century, but there have been several mascot iterations from Hurc or Hurcie to today’s Captain Cane. Here’s the actual backstory from the school of the latest mascot, as detailed in this delightfully self aware article from Tulsa World.
“Colin Cane, a freshman at The University of Tulsa, worked in IT support at night to help pay his way through college. During an electrical storm one night, Colin was called to the TU sports complex to fix a malfunctioning satellite that was broadcasting a live game.”
Never again would he watch his favorite team in action as a mere mortal. As he adjusted the satellite, the roar of the crowd coursed through the transmitter just as it was zapped with static electricity from the storm. Colin became entangled in a web of cyber-athletic forces.
“The atmospheric oddity known as a “binary vortex” mutated Colin over the course of several years. He eventually lost his hair but gained super-human powers. Thus he became Captain `Cane, a champion athlete and highly educated zealot of all things TU.”
The movie version has not yet been made, but with a chin like that it can’t be long before UT’s own Jon Hamm is suiting up.
Cyber-athletes, binary vortexes, highly educated zealots, mutations, and immortal IT support. If we can’t have a football powerhouse, at least we can have narrative intrigue.
Better Know a Tiller Bucktrot
Ho-Lee 3.2% ABV beer, would you look at this team? If it weren’t for the most Oklahoma name I’ve ever seen, I wouldn’t even know where to start. Alas:
Tiller Bucktrot (G, R-So.) - I am leaving this one here. On it’s own. This is a thing of beauty. From something called “Stroud, Oklahoma,” the Bucktrots birthed what they knew was a specimen (graduating high-school at 6’5, 365), and gave him the first name Tiller. This could either be a nod toward his probable career as a lineman (nautically, as in a lever used by pushing or pulling, to provide torque for the helmsman to turn the rudder) or a nod to Oklahoma’s storied history of tilling land that totally, definitely belonged to them.
As for the surname, I don’t believe “Bucktrot” needs any explanation for a man who looks like this as an 19 year old:
Tiller Bucktrot, your early favorite for 2018 Pregamer Name of the Year!
Better Know a Roster
Alright, so you’re thinking “strong start Pregamer Boiz, but what if this section is--not unlike Texas’ linebacking situation--a ‘mile deep and inch wide.’” Well, dear friends, Tulsa, like (nearby) Oral Roberts’ giant praying hands have bountiful blessings to provide to ye faithful.
Before we even get to the players, let’s take a minute to appreciate that the coaching staff has a Carlton Buckels in charge of a safety unit that buckled to the tune of 121st in defense last season or a defensive intern named Craig Suits when the single Men’s Wearhouse in Tulsa has barely a 3.5 rating on Google or a Director of Football Operations named Kyle Grooms when his squad is groomed like this:
Y’all... anyways. Onward.
Luke Skipper (QB, R-So.), Chad President (QB, Jr.), Seth Boomer (QB, R-Fr.) - you talk about a depth chart? What do you need to maneuver a Golden Hurricane -- that’s right a Skipper (not a President, that’s to navigate a Golden Shower). And a QB from Oklahoma named “BOOMER” not going to OU? Spicy.
X’Zauvea Gadlin (OT, Fr.) - This is probably my favorite spelling of Xavier of all time. I love how we went from Basque exte berri > Xabier > Javier > Xavier > X’Zauvea. Linguistics is fascinating.
JaJuan Blankenship (DT, Jr.) - Who’d’ve guessed that the best dreads Texas faced all season would be from Tulsa? Last Chance U’s fantastically named and becoiffed brings ‘em.
Jaxon Player (DT, Fr.) - seems like a good time to consider the impact the Shipleys have had on college football. There are now 10 Jaxons (!!) across all levels of college football (6 in D-1). You have to imagine at least half of those changed their names after watching UT’s famous son. [And congrats on baby #2, Jax.]
Diamon Cannon (LB, Jr.) Cannon Montgomery (WR, R-Fr.) - Tulsa is in possession of not one, but two Cannons??? That makes the Texas Cowboy contingent of the Pregamer blush in shame. (Also Diamond Cannon sounds like something an SEC recruit gets to play with on an official visit).
Manny Bunch (S, Jr.) - Man, ever think about what if Manny Diaz worked out and this is what we called our vocal D-FENCE supporters in Section 106 of DKR that all had sweet haircuts and cool shades? Alternate timelines are crazy, yo.
Marcus Mays (S, R-Fr.) - Bio says he’s 19, but somehow has been manning the grill at the cookout for the past 15 years.
Yohance Burnett (LB, Jr.), Cooper Edmiston (LB, Jr.) - For the thousands of lawyers who read this internet publication: Better firm name? 1) Burnett, Cooper & Edmiston
Forrest Harrell III (LB, Jr.), Thomas von Borstel (LB, Jr.), Anthony Goodlow (LB, Fr.) - vs. 2) Harrell, von Borstel & Goodlow?
Kevin Neitzke (PK, So.) - I made a joke in the comments last week that the Pregamer is a very niche market...I meant to say a very Nietzsche, market! I would say Texas football is Nihilist, but nihilism means nothing to mean [ba-dum-tzsche]!
Andrew Jadick (LB, R-Fr.) - And because we’re the pregamer, we follow that joke with a Ja-dick joke!
Cole Neph (TE, Sr.) - This is Cole:
Spot the lie NOT in his official bio: Favorite movie is The Grand Budapest Hotel … his favorite sports movie is A League of Their Own … favorite TV show is “How I Met Your Mother” … his favorite song is “The Night We Met” by Lord Huron … favorite midnight snack is vegan kale, pear, and banana ice cream … he and his wife, Mallory, were married in May 2017 …
Cullen Wick (DE, So.) - One of the best friends of the Pregamer had the misfortune of playing my high school two years in a row and losing by a combined score of something around 140 - 3. Why is this relevant? Well I won’t state his name to protect anonymity, but it is one letter off from this and he shares an alma mater with Kirk Bohls and had a very intimidating “Muscle Duck” in the opposing locker room...so Texas will dominate?
And finally, with the longest neck in college football. Lookin like the Littlefoot from the Land Before Time Will Hefley III (QB, Jr.):
Punters from Down Unter
Tulsa’s punter Thomas Bennett is son of NFL All-Decade (1990s) Team Punter, and Godfather of Aussie-Rules Punters, Darren Bennett. It is truly through him that we had the honor of becoming the internet’s foremost punting blog following surefire NFL Hall of Famer Michael Dickson. Truly full circle, even if it circles counter-clockwise.
VY Pump Fake: Texas is the one who knocks. The season breaks good, at least for one week. Texas wins by less than it should.
Kyle Carpenter: I am ashamed to admit that we missed last week being probably our 69th Texas Pregamer (“nice”). Speaking of, I feel like Texas will not be so soon to overlook the unrequited loving ($$$) it gave to Sterlin Gilbert. Horns win, 69-3.