AD: It's a pleasure to meet you, Coach Davis. I'm excited to find out if you and the Southern Methodist family are a mutual fit.
GD: (nods briskly) That's why we're here.
AD: Shall we get down to brass tacks then?
GD: I'm ready.
AD: Well, obviously, I'm familiar with your background. You've had quite a run at Texas...
GD: (beams)
AD: and I just have a few questions before we can talk contract particulars...
GD: I took the liberty of preparing some index cards with interview questions for you to ask me. You'll find them here, typed neatly. They're quite good!
AD: Uh, I'm at a bit of a loss, Coach Davis.
GD: (beams)
AD: But I think I'll use my own questions, thank you.
GD: (frowns) Oh? I did not prepare for that. I did several mock interviews with Akina this Spring and he always accepted the index cards and read the questions in order. I was very effective.
AD: If it's all the same to you, I'll ask my own questions that I've created specifically for you.
GD: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkk.
AD: Excuse me!?
GD: Go on. My bad.
AD: Let's start with your history right here in Dallas. I know the Texas/OU game was a bit of challenge for you - you had some highs and some lows. What did you learn from that experience?
GD: (clears his throat, begins to sweat) Uh, I dunno. Shit happens, I guess. OU really can't be trusted to align themselves defensively in an honorable way, sneaky outfit there in Norman...gaaa! Gaaaa. GAAA!
AD: Are you OK?
GD: I'm flummoxed. I read all of your press conference transcripts, I studied DVR of you, I read a book called "Fifty Most Common Interview Questions." That question wasn't in it. Are any of your questions from that book?
AD: No.
GD: Your loss. I had some really clever ways of providing weaknesses that are actually strengths.
AD: Like Tim Nunez?
GD: Well, that was just mean.
AD: Sorry.
GD: And the way you're dressed...
AD: The chinos and SMU golf shirt? I thought it would be nice to conduct this interview a bit more informally.
GD: I did not prepare for that. It's not your tendency. You've only worn that golf shirt 11% of the time this year. Now, for the duration of this interview, you're going to wear it almost 100% of the time? I mean, c'mon.
AD: (speechless)
GD: Unless you rip your shirt off.
AD: Why would I do that?
GD: Well, you've already done all sorts of other unpredictable shit that I can't fathom, so why not that?
AD: (sighs)
GD: Well, fuuuucccck, dude. I just...feel off of my game now.
AD: Would you like a time out to collect your thoughts?
GD: No, I won't be able to alter my gameplan with just a timeout. How about we flounder for a little longer? I'm going to try some things.
AD: Fine, let's see if...Coach Davis, what on earth are you doing?
GD: Hmmm...nothing.
AD: Yes, you are! You're sliding your chair across the floor sideways.
GD: (triumphantly) HORIZONTALLY!
AD: Yes, horizontally. Why, may I ask?
GD: You'd expect a straightforward vertical answer. I'm creating balance.
AD: And that is supposed to get you somewhere?
GD: ...
AD: I said, is that supposed to get you somewhere?
GD: (whispers) Horizontalism is its own reward.
AD: This interview is going badly, Coach.
GD: I'll withstand your surge. Once that's over, you're ass is grass and I'm a Poulan weedeater.
AD: (rubs his temples) I'd kill to go to that shitty bowl.
GD: This office smells like maple and soy sauce...I was expecting sunny laundry Renuzits. Deceptive.
AD: Not my intent.
GD: Mmmm. That's debatable. You're as slippery as a Stoops brother. Look, I'll freely admit that I may not have nailed this interview.
AD: You don't say.
GD: I'd like you to take the results of this interview and average it with the interviews I did last week for assistant cashier at Arbys (produces crisp documents) and in the week previous for a telemarketing gig with Orkin. I think you'll find that I performed quite nicely indeed.
AD: Absurd. An imbecile could nail those interviews. It has no bearing on...
GD: Average it in, goddamn you. It's how it's done.
AD: An irrelevant benchmark of performance.
GD: YOU ARE A BENCHMARK!!! OF SOMEONE'S FARTING PERFORMANCE...of someone's fart...someone sitting on a bench!!!! You're the mark that it leaves...on that bench. You benchfart.
AD: This is just sad. Coach Davis, I think this interview is over.
GD: Whatever. Stay gold, Pony Boy.