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Here come the Tacklin' Baptists

Raise your hand if you've seen more than a quarter of Baylor football this season. Yeah, me neither. Hopefully some of our NCAA fantasy football geeks who have been paying closer attention can fill us in, since other than Art Briles and Robert Griffin I'm hard pressed to name anyone on the squad. I think Briles plays cornerback. That's guesswork on my part.

I also must admit I've always liked Baylor, in that non-threatening demure sort of way they go about their business year in and year out in a conference they have absolutely no business being in. It's like the home-schooled kid who shows up in class wearing suspenders and BeDazzler jean jacket and keeps right on reading his romance novels and eating organic bran muffins at lunch. I always tried to reach out to those kids, as I respect that sort of response to adversity, and complete suspension of reality.

Starting with Scipio's Baylor Preview I learned that Briles is actually the coach. Makes sense. He also nailed the Robert Griffin starting if Baylor wants a chance to win angle. Well done. Smith and Gay appear to be pretty good linemen of some sort. Kendall Wright is the real threat at WR.

Digging around on some of the matchups heading into this week I stumbled across this, and got completely derailed, since it appears to have been compiled by Callkevin on crystal meth. I competely gave up on the football matchup angle halfway through. It's just loaded with fun facts.

Did you know?

    Texas leads the all-time series 71-22-4, and the Longhorns have won the last 10 meetings since a 23-21 Baylor victory Nov. 1, 1997, in Waco. The Bears are 8-42-2 all-time at Austin, where they have not won since 1991. Of note, Texas made coaching changes at the conclusion of both the 1991 and 1997 seasons.

The last sentence made me laugh. Unintentional humor is the best kind.

    Baylor’s 2008 currently is tied for the 11th nationally in strength of schedule (61-35, .635); that ranks second among Big 12 teams behind only Texas. In fact, Baylor’s remaining schedule is tied with five other teams — including Oklahoma and Oklahoma State — as the nation’s third-toughest (21-6, .778).

Karmically speaking, Baylor must have been personally responsible for the formation of the Khmer Rouge at some point.

    The Bears are 2-42 against ranked opponents since the inception of the Big 12 Conference?

Basically crack the top 25 and it's a lock. I'm looking at you, Aggy.

    Baylor head coach Art Briles has a penchant for giving his players nicknames. Virtually every player on the Bears’ roster has a nickname.

Briles has apparently devised clever monikers for his players in lieu of the saxo-germanic surnames that are so difficult to scream coherently in critical game situations. Among my favorites: Shazam, Swerve, Romeo, MoTown and Rambo. I applaud the youthful zeal with which Coach Briles has renamed his players after Decepticons and members of C.O.B.R.A. One Mack Clap for you, Coach. I mean Snake Eyes. Well done.

    Baylor’s 2008 roster features 10 student-athletes who were starting quarterbacks in high school, including two former signal callers who played quarterback beyond high school.

No shit. One of them plays defensive end. Think about that for a minute and see if you too can design the mother of all trick plays your head. Mine is called the Whazzaaa?! and involves convincing the opposing quarterback to direct snap it to my defensive end.

    The series dates back to a 23-0 Texas victory Oct. 29, 1901, in Waco. The programs have played every year since 1923, making this Baylor’s longest continually running rivalry.

To be fair BC staff has not been informed that we are Baylor's rival in an official capacity. We did receive a note during shop saying Will you be my rival? If so check yes, if not, pass this to Aggy during Home Ec. but HenryJames incinerated it in the TIG welder.

    Baylor has followed a vicenary rule this season, going 3-3 when scoring at least 20 points and 0-3 when scoring less than 20 points. Furthermore, the Bears are 3-2 when recording at least 20 first downs, compared to 0-4 when gaining fewer than 20 first downs.

Yeah I realize it's statistical nonsense. I just wanted to give proper accolades for the correct use of the word vicenary. If any of them dare venture to 6th street after the game don't let them smooth talk your women. Not worth the risk, as vocabulary is one area where Baylor matches up well. You macroverbumsciolists don't stand a chance.