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SI Explains Why Athletes Go Broke (But Lenny Dykstra & Chance Mock Will Save Them)

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Newsflash: many athletes are sheltered, not particularly bright, prone to wild speculation, have no financial acumen, and are easily manipulated.

So they're basically like the average American, but with superior vertical leaps.

At least that's what Sports Illustrated contends in How (and Why) Athletes Go Broke

Consider:

By the time they have been retired for two years, 78% of former NFL players have gone bankrupt or are under financial stress because of joblessness or divorce.

• Within five years of retirement, an estimated 60% of former NBA players are broke.

The primary culprit - aside from maintaining posses and entourages who rob the athlete blind, disreputable agents and financial advisers, child support for six different Moms - is good old-fashioned private equity greed. I can see why Torii Hunter was blown away by this fantastic idea:

About five years ago, Hunter says, he invested almost $70,000 in an invention: an inflatable raft that would sit under furniture. The pitch was that when high-rainfall areas were flooded, consumers could pump up the device, allowing a sofa to float and remain dry.

You see, it's a Jump To Conclusions Mat!

Don't worry: Triton Financial and former Longhorn QB Chance Mock to the rescue!

In October, Atwater himself received an investment pitch from a fellow athlete. Former quarterback Jeff Blake sent 102 other retired players an e-mail on behalf of Triton Financial, an investment firm in Austin, whose "athlete services" department Blake directs along with three other ex-QBs: Chris Weinke and the brothers Detmer, Ty and Koy. In the e-mail, a copy of which was obtained by SI, Blake claimed without caveat that "Triton is averaging 32% annualized return on its investments within the past five years."

Chance Mock has a two part plan!

Part one: buy low, sell high!

Part two: eat enormous amounts of fast food and speak entirely in simple-minded cliches.

Don't worry - there's always notable illiterate financial guru media darling Lenny Dykstra to offer you financial advice.

Dykstra - a man who once famously cautioned Moneyball GM Billy Beane that "you shouldn't ever read books, it just fucks up your eyes, dude!" was heralded as a savant genius by none other than the allegedly hard-hitting HBO show Real Sports. And Jim Cramer vouched for him!

Proving that the only thing consistently dumber than our athletes is our media.