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The New Physical Education Part II: The Games They Play

First, read Part I.

Would you like to learn about some of the games our kids will be playing? These should prepare them for shooting pirates in the head from the back of a destroyer.

My favorites, with comments:

Ball Wrestling - This is one of the favorite activities of my students.

Well, it is a game that they can play for a lifetime.

Basketball Golf- This activity is an integration of two sports, basketball and golf! Students practice their shooting skills and use a scoring system taken from the game of golf.

Didn't the South Park dudes make a movie about this? Still, I have no problem with this game. Kids are actually keeping score and may even attempt to chart personal improvement. Heresy! It is missing a crucial violence component, but we'll let that pass.

Cooperative Hoops- "To have students understand the concept of inclusion and that everyone belongs no matter the situation."

Uh, no. That's a terrible life lesson. I learned this after trying to guard Joey Wright at Gregory Gym. I didn't need inclusion in that game. So I headed to the Asian courts. Dropped a double-double on them. Then they broke the curve on my statistics final. It all evens out.

E.T. Phone Home- "Students must come up with a communication plan and implement it to complete the challenge. "

That sounds physically taxing. Let our kids develop vital telecom skills. My communication plan is screaming FUCK THIS GAME at the top of my lungs.

Foam Ball Passover- To encourage students to work together to accomplish a common goal."

This name sounds like a cargo cult religion. Ever' yeauh, big foam ball pass over da village. We tink 'bout deaf of Christ. Den Jon Frum come bring us all da spam we kin eat.

Invent A Game- "To have students work cooperatively with each other."

Instructor: OK, kids - ummm, invent a game! I'm going to go outside and smoke cigarrettes.

Mine Field- "To have students experience the loss of their sight and to develop feelings for those less fortunate than them. "

We really need to be talking to first graders about U.S mine fields maiming kids in Laos? In PE? Developing feelings for the less fortunate is a crucial component of physical education. I am reminded of the Texas-Miami Cotton Bowl.

People Puzzles- "For students to practice using proper communication and cooperation skills."

People puzzle #1: girl is with her friends at crowded bar. Gives fuck-me stare. How to separate her from her friends and get her in a cab in ten minutes?

People puzzle #2 for girls: living with boyfriend for two years. Biological clock ticking. How to convince him to marry you and get an engagement ring larger than your best friend's?

Pioneer Games- Students will be introduced to games that date back to pioneer children and will improve certain skills.

Hey kids, this pioneer game is called learn to shoot Pa's long rifle while he's out hunting so that the local Kiowa don't bash your head into a tree and make Ma the chief's favorite new squaw. The skill it will develop is called Will To Live. Ready? Begin!

Radioactive River- "To work together as a team, show positive sports-personship and figure out solutions to the problems presented."

When I was a kid, rivers were made of taffy or licorice.

Secret Handshake- "To give students an opportunity to cooperate with each other in a physical activity setting. "

SAE rules! Woohoo! Now do a lemonade kegstand.

Sharks and Barracudas- The activity called the Sharks and Barracudas is a fun children's phys. ed. game involving tagging and chasing.

Strongly approve of this game. It will subvert this whole touchy-feely athletic paradigm when the kids google what a shark and barracuda actually are. They'll see lethal beautiful killing machines unfairly savaging marine life all around them - specifically targeting the sick and weak - and they'll begin to realize that there's a whole other world out there that they're not being adequately prepared for.

Sneak Attack- "To encourage cooperation and use of offensive and defensive strategies. "

Abso-fucking-lutely. Now we're talking. Let's teach them Comanche-Ninja skills. How did this slip into the curricula? Probably someone using Comanche-Ninja skills, is the answer.

The Bus- "To help students cooperate when completing physical challenges. "

I can't think of anything more challenging than successfully negotiating the muni.

Titanic Challenge- "To foster positive cooperative/communication skills and strategy development. "

They have to sketch a naked Kate Winslet? Like Sharks and Barracudas, kids will google Titanic and realize that we live in a world of harsh folly. So, I approve.

Twisted Sisters Disco Inferno- "To have students work together to solve a problem. "

WTF? What problem? If Dee Snider should wear that much rouge?

Wombat Ball- Played like softball but instead of a wooden bat and ball, a wrapped up towel and volleyball are used.

A bat wrapped in a towel hitting a volleyball. Why not cover the child in bubble wrap as well?

Better idea: what if we had children draw lots to battle a wombat in a fighting pit armed only with a bat, a towel, and a volleyball. Start of fight: hurl volleyball at wombat. Use towel as combination matador cape and gladiator net. Club wombat on its spine until dead as it death rolls on your femur, nearly severing your artery. Roll in its death musk while screaming your challenge to rivals. Eat its still beating heart in front of classmates. Draw eyeblack on using its liver bile.

Now that I've examined some of these games, I actually feel better. Despite their wussy intent, there's enough subversion in them such that the children with some will to live can swallow the red pill.