Martellus Bennett has been writing a weekly Cowboys Insider blog for the Dallas Mornings News and it is a thing of wonder. In the last few weeks, Marty B has expressed his belief in aliens (and played one in a board game), caught a woman farting in the grocery store, mocked Mel Kiper as a fraud, and offered advice as to what to do if being chased by a murderer (pick your knees up! so you don't trip! don't have lots of keys on your keychain! sorting through them wastes valuable time!).
This week Martellus muses: "Why do black people like chicken?"
Martellus frames the beginning of his Socratic dialogue thusly:
Why do black people love chicken is a question my white friends ask me constantly. Honestly I don't know the answer to the question besides the fact that fried chicken is delicious.
It seems that this is an incessant question and pesky white people will not stop pestering Martellus for an answer. Being the sensible empirical sort - a Baconian to his core - Martellus decides that he will ask several black people.
The responses vary:
1)everybody likes chicken not just black people.
2) because it's greasey and black people use grease (LOL)
3) because back in the day that was all they were able to eat.
Everyone else would eat beef and not chicken
4) I don't know fool. Haha.
5) because it's in our DNA (really)
6) because it's let's fattening then red meat
7) because you can cook it with anything
8 ) it makes us run faster and jump higher
9) during slave times chicken was considered dirty so they fed it to
10) the media makes people believe chicken is all black people eat.
I'm black and I don't like chicken. (hahaha yea right)
The correct answers are, of course, #1 and #4.
Everyone loves chicken.
Hell, Sailer Ripley loves chicken and that dude is whiter than Tom Brokaw. He wears plaid and shit and says things like, "Heyyyooooo! Chaz has a helluva golf swing!" He even likes lacrosse. And Vermont!
Martellus concludes, sensibly:
everybody loves chicken despite race sex gender chicken
is scrumptious and everyone enjoys it. If you haven't had chicken go
This is nothing less than Andy Kaufmann-esque; it's living theater; and Martellus is a mad genius. I salute you, Mr Bennett.