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"When you're playing in the Alamo Bowl down by the river!"

I never knew that Mack Brown was such a hard ass, but he's really working the players hard this summer. Bordering on unnecessary cruelty. Workouts at 6am? Mandatory study hall? Nope.

Motivational speaker.

I'm personally skeptical of the whole motivational speaker, uh, shit, but Fortune 500 companies embrace it along with an increasing number of professional sports teams. It's like a cross between defensive driving and Amway.

So Mack Brown brought in some dude named Jon Gordon because Rudy was too expensive and Matt Foley isn't a real person. He's written three books about "effective teams, optimism in groups and how to create and channel healthy energy." And who isn't going to listen to a former lacrosse player at Cornell? Not the Atlanta Falcons.

"Hey, man. Is that Wayne Newton?"

He (Gordon) spoke to the Falcons last season, before which their head coach, Bobby Petrino, abruptly quit and the team's former quarterback, Michael Vick, was convicted on dogfighting charges.

The Falcons went 11-5 and made the playoffs.

Because of Gordon? Because of Gordon.

Gordon instructed the players to 'dream while awake.' No, I don't know what that means either. Gordon says that people are more likely to dream about stuff they think about in the 30 minutes before they go to bed. That's heavy. I would have just told them to take three Excedrin PM and see if they can masturbate before falling asleep.

"You always win."

He also told them to ignore 'energy vampires' such as critical fans and media. I'd also tell them to stay away from 'sexual chupacabras' who will make their legs weak if they have sex with them less than 48 hours before a kickoff.

So did the players buy into it? Colt McCoy thinks so. "I feel like everybody listened," McCoy said. "I feel like everybody learned."

But you can't really listen to McCoy on this type of stuff. He's such a team guy that he'll buy into anything the coaches put him through. "I really learned a lot from Matthew McConaughey. When he likened 'Sahara' to a BCS game..."

Brown didn't attend, but he did email a statement about the talk.

"We've always worked at helping our guys become better team leaders and grow as men. Jon's books and visit with the team are a valuable step towards taking the leadership training to another level, a level that we hope will help each and every member of our program not only next year but for the rest of their lives."

I believe that's what you would call 'emailing while dreaming' because Brown can crank out shit like that in his sleep.

But who knows? Maybe this stuff will work, and then some newspaper will do a story that says:

"Gordon spoke to the Texas Longhorns last season. The Longhorns went 14-0 and won the BCS National Championship."