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Workout Warriors

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Bruce Feldman (the guy who wrote Meat Market) had a pretty cool article in ESPN The Magazine on Workout Warriors a while back. I missed it because I'm not part of ESPN The Magazine's readership as its target demographic appears to be eleven year old boys and those who think The Da Vinci Code had complex themes.

Nonetheless, good article. Some of my favorites:

USC Safety Taylor Mays:

And perhaps the only things more impressive than Mays' highlight reel of brutal hits are the numbers the 6-foot-3, 238-pound Trojan puts up in the USC strength program. Mays vertical jumps 41 inches, does a standing broad jump of 11 feet and 4 inches, can bench-press 225 pounds 29 times and in the spring of 2008 ran an electronically timed 40-yard dash in 4.32 seconds.

Amazing numbers. Is there anything this guy can't do?

He didn't get timed in the 40 this spring because coaches didn't want to risk his pulling a muscle.

Aside from run 40 yards at full speed without injury?

I'm very amused by the notion that Taylor Mays is so athletic that fully demonstrating it would be crippling. He starts to break up like The Enterprise when it exceeds Warp 12. I think he should be allowed one theoretical tackle per game if a referee believes that he could have made it there. Why risk the kid's health?

Next time I shoot a layup in a pickup game, I will scream out, "Taylor Mays!" and you must credit me with a dunk.

Miami DT Allen Bailey

Longtime UM strength coach Andreu Swasey, who has trained the likes of Willis McGahee, Kellen Winslow II, Sean Taylor and others, gives Bailey perhaps the ultimate praise: "He is the freakiest of all the freaks since I've been here," Swasey says.


O rly?

Freakiest of all the freaks? I can assure you that unless Allen Bailey has orchestrated an orgy involving the Hurricane cheerleaders, a sea manatee, a hermaphroditic midget and a 24 inch double-headed black dildo called Count Chocula he has nothing on The Playmaker in freakiness. That was Mike's freshman year, by the way.

Colorado OT Nate Solder

Solder's workout numbers are just as impressive: He power-cleans 407, hang-cleans 445, back squats 622, vertical jumps 34 inches and runs the 40 in 4.86 seconds

Do you have any idea how strong someone is who is 6 foot 8 and can power clean 400+? Power cleans favor short squatty compact guys - not long-limbed monster gibbons. Do you think Nate ever plucks Cody Hawkins from his bedroom and climbs the highest building in Boulder? Swatting at bi-planes while cradling the screaming quarterboy in his gentle palm...

UNC LB Zach Brown

He'll be part of what is arguably the fastest linebacking trio in the country. According to UNC strength coach Jeff Connors, all three can run the 40 in less than 4.5 seconds.


Our foreheads look like this naturally

Looks like we found out where Ohio State's stopwatch ended up after AJ Hawk and Bobby Carpenter graduated.

Florida St LB Dekoda Watson

Watson isn't huge for a linebacker at 6-2, 226, but he's probably as well-proportioned as you'll find. According to a school spokesman, his chest is 48 inches and his waist is 26 inches, which is enough to put him on this list.

Big deal. 48-26 are Pamela Anderson's exact dimensions and, frankly, I bet I could kick the shit out of her. No wonder FSU is down.

Maryland OT Bruce Campbell

"Bruce looks like a Greek God," Galt says. "He almost looks like a bodybuilder. He's the offensive line version of Vernon Davis.

Just like Vernon Davis. So he's an incredible workout warrior who will terrifically disappoint any team foolish enough to draft him? Thanks for helping my draft status, S&C coach! Was a full on Mike Mamula reference too esoteric?

Arizona DE Brooks Reed

The only thing the Zona sports info people figured he was missing was a great nickname. They're touting the long-haired Reed as "Mr. Freeze," in part because of his initial B.R.

I actually had to think about this. I was like, Banana Republic!?! Blizzard Retard? Blustery Robot?

Actually, it's Brrrrrr. Get it? I will never mock Bill Little again if that's what he's competing with. I'm just happy his initials aren't B.M.