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Clipper Cooper: Nightmare Gameday Experience

I'll skip the pleasantries, skanks.

I'm furious right now. I'm fuming.

I haven't been this mad since Daddy gave money to OxFam! (Just piss away my inheritance, dude.) In his defense, he thought he was buying the pharma company that makes Oxycontin.

Let me describe the horror of my gameday. It was exactly what it must be like living in Darfur.

The AT&T Hotel & Conference Center is listed as being 0.48 miles from the football stadium. "As the crow flies." I guess Mapquest had some people measure that distance using a crow and some kite string.

In "science", this distance is correct. But it is misleading. It's not as if you're on a treadmill in air conditioning with orange slices, lemon spritz, a bottle of Smart Water, and an Us Weekly. This is a REAL WORLD 0.48 miles.

So I negotiated the following obstacles like I was running a goddamn steeplechase:

Extreme weather.. 85 searing degrees. I'm wearing my Augusta National windcheater, visor, khakis, shoes (custom, Italian, Milan, no - you wouldn't know the name). I could feel the humidity gathering under my Patek Philippe as it slid about loosely on my wrist AS IF IT HAD NOT BEEN PROFESSIONALLY FITTED EACH LINK PERFECTLY CRAFTED TO THE SPECIFICATIONS OF MY ULNA. Die, Switzerland.

A hill. Yes, you do go down the hill, but what am I - a burro?

Crime. I saw one fellow - an El Salvadoran or Korean -walking to the game wearing a burnt orange polo shirt, pressed khaki slacks, a tasteful leather belt, and Ferragamo loafers. All perfectly fitted. Just wearing his mugging victim's clothes happy as you please! Do you see how calculating these criminals are? How trained must his eye be to pick out his exact physical match and subdue him without bloodying the clothes.

Public health cesspool. There were people everywhere "tailgating"; cooking meats and swilling beer in and around port-a-pottys. This is exactly how SARS got started in China. Tailgaters would probably build a floating shanty-town in Littlefield fountain and fill it with hepatitis and amoebas if you let them.

A Catholic church. The Coopers detest papists and have always fought their theology of Virgin worship, charity, guilt, and kindness. My old frat bro Parker said that Catholics kidnap Methodists and cover them with communion wafers so that they can't get cell phone reception because Popery interferes with Verizon. It's like True Blood. Passing that church, I was lucky not to be groped by a Cardinal.

So I experienced all of these things....

through the window of my Range Rover.

Obviously, due to my DUI misunderstandings (is a 3.1 BAC bad?), I made Julio drive me down there.

So, it's Julio driving (I laid down plastic, obviously). I'm shotgun. Brooke in the back seat. Acting out again. Earlier, I had yelled out,"30 Second Abs by Brooke!" when she was puking up her breakfast tacos. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Dude, classic.

They say bulimics have low self-esteem, but if that was the case wouldn't they just let themselves get fat? Hello. Is there anyone on this planet dumber than doctors?

Brooke has super-high self-esteem...for a chunky Size 2. I gave her some Altoids for her gut breath and she was good to go until I told her that the Altoids had 10 calories each. Luckily, she spat out the third one.

I arrived at the Cooper Indistrique game suite in the early 2nd quarter. I start to enjoy myself (even though the stadium noise makes it hard to mingle) and a couple of hours later I look up and see the scoreboard. 34-24. You have to be kidding me. If Colt McCoy is struggling, bench him for Garrett Gilbert, who at least hails from a community of some standing and good taste.

I promised that if we did not beat Tech by 70, I would dictate a scathing fax to Sally Brown. Well, I did. I'm happy to share it. Brutal. It's reverberations will be felt in the loins of meaningful Texas families for years:

Mrs Brown:

Perhaps you are acquainted with the names Bobbi Mayfair-Cooper and Blanche Cooper-Horowitz*? They are my current and former stepmothers, respectively. They also happen to chair the following powerful organizations:

Fort Worth Country Day Falcon Top Moms!
The Highland Park Women's Auxiliary
Junior League of Cleburne
Beverly Drive Adopt-A-Highway
The Metroplex Summer Shakespeare Festival In Benefit Of Nervous Boys
Dallas B'nai B'rith*

* pending litigation

Please know that your applications to join these organizations have been rejected with extreme prejudice (even though you have not technically applied to any of them). If you care to know - after you are done keening and blubbering - who is responsible, please look no further than your husband.

He must learn that when a Cooper calls for 70, you had best deliver 80.

I hope I've been painfully clear.

Clipper Achilles Cooper
VP, Synergy Paradigm Creation
Cooper Industrique


For more of the Clipper Chronicles:

Texas Tech (pre-game)