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Bill Byrne's latest Wednesday Weekly started out pretty slow with a boring recap of the Aggies' unimpressive win over Utah State.

But, true to form, Bill's post took a few interesting turns once he got down to the business of talking Kyle Field pest control.

Utah State Review, and TV News

Sept. 23, 2009

Last week I mentioned a special guest might lead the team out of the locker room to start the game. The timing did not work out for one invited guest;

Oh God. That's classic. The Aggie AD announces in his web column that a special guest will appear at an event scheduled to occur four days later, and in the meantime this mystery guest realizes that he has a "conflict." Yeah, suuuuure...

unfortunately, the timing did work out for some uninvited guests in the second half. I've never seen so many crickets and moths in one place.

Did Bill recently enslave the children of Israel or something? First it was bats, then giant Mississippi mosquitoes and now Kyle Field is overrun with swarms of crickets and moths. Good grief. What has Bill done to anger Jehovah?

When I went into the locker room after the game, Dr. J.P. Bramhall brushed insects out of my hair, and I found more inside my shirt. Yuck.

Jesus. The Aggie locker room is like a scene from "Quest for Fire."

And, furthermore, "Dr. J.P. Bramhall?" Only at Texas A&M would an old-timey, handlebar-mustachioed doctor whose line-etched portrait surely appears on a bottle of miracle tonic be close at hand to deal with the pestilence of the day. But if you're going to have any doctor pluck insects from your hair, I guess it might as well be one named Dr. J.P. Bramhall.

Some of you asked me why our bats did not eat the crickets. The simple answer is, because the stadium lights were on. It's Mother Nature at her best.

Damn Mother Nature and her infernal stadium lights!

Experts have told us the crickets use the lights for warmth,

I bet that expert is a blast at cocktail parties. Nothing's more entertaining that stories about what various insects use for warmth. Man, I could listen to those stories all night long.

while the bats stay in their nooks and crannies with the lights on.

The bats live in English muffins?

Recent rain in Aggieland caused the crickets to emerge, and unfortunately we could see more crickets this week. It's something we can't control. Our staff is working tirelessly all week to clean up the mess the crickets left, all the while knowing there is a chance more insects will return for this week's game against UAB.

The Kyle Field grounds crew is like the Sisyphus of cleaning up bat shit and cricket refuse.

Maybe we should look into a special flyover this week by crop dusters.

Good idea. These flyovers typically happen during the national anthem, at a time when your football stadium is packed with approximately 80,000 people, right? That seems like a perfectly reasonable time to unload an airplane full of insecticide over the field, Bill.

Speaking of flyovers, our staff again has made the best out of a challenging situation for this week. Our flyovers are booked months in advance, and sometimes circumstances in the military arise which cause a cancellation. Such is the case this week.

The Air Force is scared of the bats. That's the only possible explanation for their consistent refusal to fly over Kyle Field.

Thanks to Aggie Larry Gregory '89, who is the President of the Lone Star Flight Museum in Galveston, we will have a B-25 Mitchell aircraft performing the flyover for the UAB game, and we are looking for four fans to ride-along. We are auctioning four passenger seats at The winners will be picked up at Easterwood Airport and ride along for the flyover. The plane will land at Easterwood and the fans will be joined by the pilots for a on-field recognition during the game. It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience!

Hey, Cletus. Who's that down thar on ol' Kyle Field? That ain't the Fightin' Aggie Band, Cletus. Who are them fellas? What's that? They's them old boys who rode in that big ol' air-a-plane a'fore the game done got kicked off? Well, toss me in Bill Byrne's hair an' call me a cricket - .you right, Cletus. That is them boys. WHOOOP! WHOOOP! Way tuh fly in that big-ass air-a-plane, boys! You done the Aggie family proud! WHOOOP!

For details, click here.

I'd just like to note two things: (1) Bill's blog entries typically contain several instructions to "click here" and (2) there is never a hyperlink to actually click. It's just plain text. Every time.

We learned Monday the Southwest Classic game against Arkansas at Cowboys Stadium next week will be televised by ESPN2. It will kickoff at 6:30 p.m. We have about 1,500 club level seats remaining and less than 400 student standing room only tickets left. To purchase your seat, click here

I know what you're thinking. Nope. There was no link.

or contact the Athletic Ticket Office at 1-888-99-AGGIE.

A reminder, you can get official Southwest Classic gear by clicking here.

No link this time, either.

One of the topics we get a lot of email on is television. With alumni located literally around the world, and sometimes in space, too, Aggies want to watch us play on television. Whether it's football, basketball, track, baseball, softball or any sport, Aggies want to tune in.

Man, those Aggies are a technologically savvy bunch. I mean, using this so-called "television" to watch sporting events? That's revolutionary.

Skipping a bit...

This week our football team will host UAB at Kyle Field on Saturday at 6 p.m. We have a variety of ticket options for this game and for all remaining games. Tickets for the south end bleachers are half-priced at $25. Tickets in other areas of the stadium are $50.

It's a close-out sale! Every ticket must go, go, GO!!!

Also, as part of a promotion for student sports card holders, we are offering their families half-priced admission in several areas of Kyle Field by clicking here.

Nope. No link.

Skipping again...

Don't forget our popular Kids Yell Practice will start about 3:15 p.m. at the corner of Joe Routt and Houston Streets just prior to the football team Spirit Walk. The number of kids participating in the Yell Practice grows each week with this new tradition.

I have kids. The last thing they need is practice yelling. Strike that. The actual last thing they need is practice in jackass Aggie conformity. Anyway, this Kids Yell Practice seems like a bad idea for numerous independent reasons.

In our continuing effort to improve the already terrific game day experience at Kyle Field, we have

...removed the stinking piles of bat guano that blanket the stadium? Taken steps to field a competitive football team? Successfully lined up a celebrity guest or military flyover?

added a special texting system to assist our fans.

Oh. Okay. I guess that will make the game day experience more "terrific" somehow?

We call it AgAssist. Guests who wish to report issues and concerns, or call for assistance in a fast, easy and convenient way can do so by texting our AgASSIST text message service.

"omg a bat shit on my head. lol!"

Send your text to 97178 with the word AgASSIST followed by your issue and location. Stadium personnel will respond quickly and accordingly. Standard text messaging rates apply.

We received some positive feedback last week after listing some specific radio broadcast information here. This week, folks in Houston can hear the game via the Texas A&M Sports Network on KODA 99.1 FM. Our friends in San Antonio will hear the game LIVE on KTKR 760 AM. Those of you with satellite radio can tune into Sirius channel 91. Usually Sirius airs ESPN Deportes programming on channel 91, but our broadcast will be utilizing that channel beginning at 5 p.m. for the pregame show.

Wow! ESPN Deportes preempted its typical Sabado noche programming for Aggie football? You know your program's hit the big time when it bumps Jorge Ramos y su Banda. Magnifico!

In addition to traditional radio stations, satellite radio, and the internet, there is another way to hear our broadcasts. Go to and you can listen free with your iPhone, Windows Mobile phone, and BlackBerry.

How exactly is "in addition to" the internet?

Skipping yet again...

Several of you have told me you enjoy our "bat news."

I know I do. What could possibly be more enjoyable that Bill Byrne's weekly bat reports? He's like a latter-day Marvin Zindler, if Zindler spent each Friday night reporting on the filthy, unhygenic conditions of his own office.

We've come across this video from The Onion website, which I think you will like, showing bat relocation is gaining congressional interest.

Something tells me Bill doesn't realize that The Onion is a parody site.

See you tonight at Reed Arena for volleyball and Saturday at Kyle Field.

And you'll see him there, too, because Bill is easy to recognize at Aggy athletic events. He's the guy covered in a swarm of frogs or beard of bees or some other vibrating mass of pests. Feel free to stop by, swat an insect and say "Howdy!"