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Tracking Baylor Laughing at OU

Baylor update

Since I last wrote an update on the Biting Baylor Bears, many things have occurred. For instance, I’ve traveled to Ireland and back. I’ve learned a few things as part of that process. For starters, don’t argue religion with the Irish on their home turf. I type that innocently enough, as well. I am flawed and weak, but I have my beliefs. I generally believe in letting other folks have theirs as well. Apparently, I have a very "American" view on the basic belief structures out there. When three Irish guys threatened to fight me, together, at my wife’s cousin’s wedding when I didn’t even realize we were having a serious conversation, well, I realized just how "American" I must be. And sue me for also desiring a legitimate meal that doesn’t consist of cold baked beans, deli meat, butter, mayonnaise, and bread. Beautiful island and highly entertaining people, in any event.

Once we returned to Texas late last week, we turned right around and flew to San Antonio, in a private, one-engine, one-propeller plane flown by an amateur pilot buddy of mine. It was on the flight home on Sunday, when, 2 miles above the surface of the earth, as the engine and computers failed, that I actually thought about Baylor again. Right behind "Well, that happened", I thought "Man, I never did finish out that tracking Baylor post on Barking Carnival …" . And yeah, I am not bullshitting that the engine/computer failures occurred and my life, if not my posting history, passed before my eyes. "The beauty of being in a 4 seater prop plane is that they can glide." You don’t want to hear that at 11,000 feet, really, until the propeller falters. From there, believing that you’re gliding is better than believing that you’re plummeting. When you’re in the clouds, it all really kind of feels the same …

Which brings me to Baylor—

When I wrote the original "Baylor, Briles, and Bowls" thread and predicted 8-4, I did include one tiny caveat. It’s the same caveat any idiot with a keyboard would have thrown out. "If Robert Griffin isn’t healthy, none of these thoughts are relevant.". Well, my instinct is to end the "Tracking Baylor"-type thoughts with this thread, utilizing the "get out of jail free card" that Griffin is now done for the year. Unfortunately for anyone being tortured with this missive, ignoring my instincts is one of the moronic things I do well.

I’ve decided to continue these as a vehicle for hypothesizing what would have happened had Griffin stayed healthy, as well as for throwing shit out there about the CFB landscape for that week in general.

That considered, in reality, Baylor is currently 3-1. This was predicted by anyone with a pulse and brain waves, so inevitably there are actually a few dipshits on the original thread that predicted 2-2. They should be taken out back and run over by Charlie Weis on a tricycle until mutilated, meaning roughly 2 times.

Most people would consider Baylor going 4-1 an act of God, given that that means a victory over Oklahoma in Norman this weekend. I’d be in that segment of "most people" had Landry Jones not shaved his pornstache. Like Samson, he has his own Delilah in Kevin Wilson, who required that he cut his "hair" for the betterment of the team, ostensibly, but in reality because Kevin Wilson believes that two pornstaches on the same offense divides The Force and he has seniority. Sooner fans find Wilson’s lack of faith disturbing, but Landry Jones complied, in any event. Interestingly, Sam Bradford’s deal with Greedo on crosseyes didn’t backfire until this season. All of that considered, I am taking Baylor to win, even though I can’t even spell the starting QB’s name. Szymanstroud or something.

Obey this stache, ignore the others
Obey this stache, ignore the others

Regardless of this weekend’s real outcome, I have no doubt that a Robert Griffin-led Baylor squad would have pummeled a mediocre OU team into oblivion, so on the now fake bets, we can legitimately consider Baylor 4-1 and heading towards 8-4 or better. Go challenge the resurrection of the one and only Christ with the Baylor fans if you beg to differ, sirs.

On to other things – like OU

For anyone who has been drunkenly passed out at the wheel of their Internet dashboard for the last 10 years, let me be the last to state the blindingly obvious – Bob Stoops is lying about the state of the injuries on the team.

For starters, Sam Bradford’s injury is worse than stated, and he’s unlikely to return to college football. Whatever his status at the end of the year, he isn’t playing any meaningful snaps against Texas. He may suit out and hand off the ball for a few snaps to open the game, and then Jones will play. That is a best case for Soonerfan. Were it different, Bradford would be named the starter and playing now. His dad finally wins, as does that rat bastard –logic, a general nemesis of OU academics and athletics. We saw similar lies to the Bradford scenario with Gresham and Peterson. Stoops lied about Gresham’s return right up to the surgery, denying reports to the contrary of Gresham’s exit literally as the guy went under the knife.

Beyond Bradford, the concept that Broyles has a broken shoulder blade and may return within 2 weeks is patently absurd. Doubt it? Ok. Touch your own shoulder blade and then imagine it being cracked in half, then imagine it being hit from behind over the middle of the playing field in mid-air by someone like Aaron Williams or Earl Thomas. Yeah, that’s playable. Broken scapulas can end careers, no matter how many gas stations a player is capable of robbing.

When looking at the OU situation, it is always fun to contemplate their fanbase’s mindset as everything unfolds. If you had looked at their boards directly after the BYU game, you might have considered that they had finally gotten their heads on straight. Wrong. This is a fanbase that has rationalized that Barry Switzer was wrongfully witchhunted out of college football. They honestly believe that Ryan Reynolds’ injury last season is why they lost to Texas and they honestly believe that they deserved to play UF in the title game.

The flip side on that belief structure is that it backfires in hilarious ways on the powers that be when things go sideways. There is no logic to a tornado destroying 3 mobile homes and sparing the 4th; there is no logic to 1 methlab being busted and the 2 next door going ignored; and there will be no logic to the about face the fanbase pulls on Stoops for letting the team lose to Texas after it happens. They will have convinced themselves that they have the winning team by game time and there are "know excuses" if they don’t pull off the win. Don’t believe that? Check out as a for instance and witness the delusion for yourself. The end is closer than the turnaround for Stoops if they lose the Texas game. Enjoy that. The pain we’ve endured will make it all worthwhile.

One last thing on the mouthbreathing felons from the Land of Joad. Their fanbase, when not rationalizing ways to win this season, believes that there will be a return to "normalcy" in 2010. Why? I have no idea. The defense will be gone, for the most part, next year. Bradford, Gresham, fatass, 4.7 running "that’s all" Trent Williams, other shitty OLs, Eldridge, Brown, etc., will be going with them. They return less than anyone next year, but somehow they’ll be better. Ok. That is as indicative as anything of their powers of delusion. They all knew, as we did, that 2009 was the year for making another run before a ton of the experienced players disappeared. Nevermind that now, apparently.

In other places—

I made a reference after the Tech game that we can basically be BYU from 1984 this year. Maybe some view that as unflattering, but I don’t. I have no problem being a title winner compared to other title winners. If it works out better for us, so be it. Nonetheless, the point is that we’re bound to face ridicule for the schedule as the powers that oppose us fall apart. We just need to keep winning. The schedule and the teams we play don’t matter if we stay undefeated. Lose and we’re done, we all know that. Win and we can make it all happen in our direction. We’ve now seen Gresham, Bradford, Broyles, Griffin, Lemon, Bryant, and Tebow fall apart. Next we’ll see Reesing and Gabbert suffer injuries. Good enough.

On the flip side, I guessed before the season started that an Oregon loss to BSU would lead to BSU running the table and we’d all have to listen to their whining about the MNC game as that happened. I didn’t realize that we would wind up actually wanting BSU to win out. Why? Well, because they’re not a very good team. It would be outstanding to play them in the big game. We outtalent them in a massive way and we’re not going to fall apart defensively the way some douchebag Big 12 cohorts from the Dust Bowl have done in this decade. It is because of that embarrassment that BSU will get undue credit heading into the game and why Texas won’t be considered a bully for putting a 20+ spread on their blue smurf turfed asses. All of this is, of course, dependent on the SEC beating itself up. They will. There is no one left beside Cincy, and we’d happily play them too. Yea!!! for Texas. Or something. I will take national titles where I can find them, thank you. It doesn’t mean I doubt our ability to beat anyone at this point, I just prefer the easiest drive from Point A to Point B.

ATM is the Soviet Union

I don’t know if everyone’s seen it or not, but there is a thread on texags about putting a fund together to light the ATM letters on the stadium even during non-football season. The debate is pretty surreal. I am not a huge fan of running over ATM, as I have a number of legit Aggie friends and I don’t view that program as anything but entertainment unless they’re cheating, but this one blew me away. Bad coaching decisions and their belief that they have to keep up with us from a spending perspective has led them to a spot that the KGB would view as unsound. They can’t afford to do damn near anything. Forget finding the money to terminate Sherman when he proves unworthy. Forget finding the money to pay Ace Ventura to clean out the bat problem. These guys literally can’t turn on lights.

Ace can clean up bat problems, if you afford him
Ace can clean up bat problems, if you can afford him

Never before has the difference between the Joneses and their neighbors been more stark. Scholarship limits did one thing, but the arms race for CFB prowess is something altogether different. 2nd place on that end isn’t even on the same damned lap at this point.

The plane landed safely, btw, -- obviously. My friend got things right shortly after things went wrong, and it was just after a big storm.My hope is that that was worse than anything we see this season, and I honestly believe that to be the case. Thoughts?