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Bob Stoops to Undergo Surgery

Reuters

A team of surgeons in France announced on Wednesday that high profile Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops is undergoing evaluation for the first ever human chin transplant. As reported in Le Monde, the four person team of physician specialists led by Dr. Auguste Dupin is planning on televising the experimental procedure to medical centers worldwide. "We are excited" states Dupin, "about the clinical advancements represented by such a procedure, and thrilled to be a part of the ongoing crusade to ease the suffering of the mandibly challenged."

Coach Stoops has come under intense criticism this season following a disappointing 2-2 start and may feel that a big beefy masculine chin could turn the tide during the Sooner’s otherwise dismal season. Sources close to the program also note a long history of difficulty within the coaching ranks at Oklahoma related to Stoops chinlessness, citing repeated sideline tirades and episodic equipment hurling behavior they say relates back to personal feelings of inadequacy due to a perceived lack of masculine lower jaw morphisms. And also being an asshole.

"Of course he’d like a bigger chin…" replied a current assistant coach during a recent interview, "are you kidding? Absolutely. No doubt. One of those big ones with a hole in it, you know the kind that looks like a butt. We could watch fishin’ shows on Thursdays without getting yelled at or garroted with neck whistles if he had one of those. Everybody knows it. Last year before the Zona/UCLA game Rick Neuheisel said ‘We took one on the chin’ just to taunt Mike. Why would he say that? Bob tried to throw a Bowflex through his office window after he read that. No shit. I didn’t tell you that."

BC Staffers have utilized complex computer modeling systems to simulate what may likely be the results of the upcoming transplant:

Stoops, meanwhile, has issued a statement through the athletic department denying the rumors. He has been adamant that Justin Chaisson has not been asked to procure a "donor" and has repeatedly stated that his current chin is a "fundamental chin, probably the best chin, if you want to look at it, in the history of face."

Aaron Eckhart was unavailable for comment.