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Hate Week

All citizens of Oceania are required to perform a two minute hate today at 3 PM.

The following topics are suitable for discussion:

The state of Oklahoma has been scientifically proven to be the source of all evil.

Everything bad that happens to humanity as a whole originates directly, or is influenced by, the pervasive evil of Oklahoma; to wit, bad country music and noodling.

Persons emigrating from Oklahoma may be thought, after sufficient time has lapsed, to be rehabilitated and capable of exercising sound moral judgment; however this is a fallacy. It is a myth perpetrated by the lying inhabitants of Oklahoma. Being a Sooner is not remediable in this plane of existence. The afterlife may do so, but it’s debatable.

The state was founded upon a series of openly criminal ventures. The general populace has no shame regarding said behavior, yet somehow lacks any of the redeeming features of other convict start-ups such as Australia which make such historical quirks endearing.

It is a cultural wasteland pockmarked with bulk cigarette retailers, Pawnee trinket outlets and ramshackle casinos. The two landmark cultural references for Oklahoma include ignorant Joads and drunken knife wielding Juds, both highly accurate portrayals of Oklahoma pastoral life.

Debt collection, prison rodeos and repo men make up a substantial portion of the native economy. On a related note, a siphon hose is widely known colloquially as an Oklahoma Credit Card. There is also a law stating that motor vehicles may not be violated, but it is not widely enforced.

They are responsible for long complex ethical debates on the meaning of the word omnisuckefiscence. Experts cannot agree on a precise definition of the term, but do agree that Oklahoma has it.

Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops lies constantly. Not because he thinks he’s smarter than you, which he does, or because he needs your approval, which he doesn’t. He lies like you blink, casually and without cortical awareness that it even occurred. While you were reading this he lied thrice, even if no one else was in the room. Think of it as a lesser power, handed down from OU head coaches since Wilkinson, like rule flaunting or wife diddling.

Oklahoma is a third rate educational institution which actually hires more Merit Scholars than running backs- primarily due to scholarship restrictions- to bolster it’s otherwise hideous academic history. The state’s primary accomplishments seem to center around Tornado Research and Toby Keith. They are unaware of this status and become violent if confronted with such concerns.

Most Oklahoma Co-eds resemble Kathleen Turner in Marley and Me. They have husky smoker’s voices and wide asses; such that they turn using a series of small steps and lurch about like Bobcat Goldthwaite in a Godzilla costume. Their view of virginity is notable for being the polar opposite of Sharia, but somehow not in a good way.

Their fight song has been shown to induce seizures in rhesus monkeys and other higher primates. PET scans have demonstrated a societal awareness center in the brain which triggers this behavior. Predictably, Sooners are immune.

Among the list of injuries Bob Stoops considers minor enough to play:

    ACL Tear
    Shoulder Dislocation
    AC Separation
    Amputation (partial)
    Amputation (complete)
    Rectal Prolapse (partial)
    Rectal Prolapse (complete)
    Yellow Fever
    Rickets (endemic to Oklahoma)
    Being a hobbled Amerasian gopher

It is widely known that Sam Bradford traveled to Bangladesh during the offseason and maliciously re-applied all of the foreskins that Tim Tebow had painstakingly removed from the happy children there. With a hot glue gun.

The government considered plans to terra form Oklahoma in the early seventies, but shifted goals later in the decade as Mars became more easily attainable.

Ninety percent of the products such as Sham Wows and Slap Chops seen on television are actually sold in Oklahoma. Likewise QVC commemorative plates and package deals that contain 400 hunting knives for 37 dollars. These television stations are actually located in Oklahoma, and are only broadcast nationwide out of spite. See lack of societal awareness/ rhesus monkey studies above.

The department of defense program to replace Najavo code talkers with Okie code talkers during World War II was lauded for its indecipherability, but ultimately scrapped due to hygiene and health concerns for the handlers.

Bob Stoops is the reason Tawny Kitaen stopped making Whitesnake videos.

Physicists employ correction constants while using the Large Hadron Collider to account for the suck force generated by Oklahoma. Unfortunately this force is infinite, and its Geneva location was chosen primarily to minimize the interaction.

When you have completed the two minute hate please watch the following video quietly, refrain from shouting or punching the gentleman in the next cubicle, calmly process without incredulity the guile and manipulations of our enemy in order to more sharply focus your hate. Minor retching is allowed.

Feel free to add topics for tomorrow's Two Minute Hate, provided they appropriately convey the putrid miasma of suck that is Oklahoma.