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Lack of Focusness

The list of things I have done so far today due to Lack of Focusness:

Woke up at 6 AM. Attempted to engage in usual of fantasy of Kristin Kreuk prancing around the room in a thong, but was sabotaged by thoughts of Chief Googly Eyes and his shoulder injury.

Dammit. No Kristin. This is going to be a bad day.

Took a shower at 6:15- thought about that Okie Noodler Freak Sailor put up on the site and visibly shuddered while making a Gahhh sound. Decided to scrub an extra thirty minutes or so to feel clean inducing first degree burns before running out of hot water. Freaking Okies.

Limped through breakfast at 7 in a daze, gave the wrong cereal to each kid and made the boy a sandwich out of two heels and a bunch of cheese cubes left over from a party last night for his lunch. He watches me with a sense of cautious wariness. Forced a massive overripe pear in the side pouch of his lunch bag for nutritional balance. There, see. Healthy goodness. His caution relents. Though I’m not sure I’d even eat that. Probably get a call from the school later today about that.

Let both kids dress themselves while scanning sportscenter at 7:30, the boy comes back up with UT shorts and a thin Gap wifebeater. The girl some kind of short dress with bows or something all over it and the wrong color shoes. Fine, whatever. Drop them off at the bus-stop realizing it’s about 50 degrees outside. All of the other parents/children have coats and long sleeves. One of them has a parka. The boy looks at me even more suspiciously and starts shivering. I tell him to run in place a bit before escaping back into the warm car. Probably get a call from the school later today about that.

Go into autopilot driving to work at 8 and realize I took the old exit that I used to take, the one that doesn’t go where I am actually supposed to be going today, and just extended my drive by about half an hour. Fuck. Dudley and Bob start playing the damn BeyOUnce video over and over making fun of the DJ’s who made it, apparently they know them. They start arguing over whether one of them is a boy or a girl- typical problem with Okies, and I briefly consider wrapping my car around a Starbucks as that song gets stuck in my head.

Give a talk to about 50 people at 9 AM- have neglected to research the topic and frequently stare off into space when asked a question. Pretend I am demonstrating common symptoms of Vascular Dementia (the subject of the talk) to cover for these lapses. Make up some statistics about response to therapy and treatment options. They don’t appear to buy it. Probably get a call from the chair later today about that.

Answer questions after the talk while wondering if Kindle can get to Bradford early the whole time in my head. Someone is concerned that their family member may have this, what should they do? Respond that they should mix underneath zone and come on delayed blitzes, just like BYU did. They wander off and ask someone else.

Go across the street to grab some coffee at 9:45. Start thinking about Rhett Bomar rolling around on the ground and start belly laughing really loud in a quiet room, visibly startling the Barista. Inadvertently put 9 shots of Hazelnut in a small coffee, rendering it undrinkable. Throw coffee away and head back to the office.

Sit down to finish some paperwork and planning for next week and realize I am not going to get a thing done today. Watch the BeyOUnce video again wondering how we share a gene pool with these people. We’re probably closer to chimps. Or squirrels.

Decide to organize my office at 10 am- it’ll be productive and cathartic. Start with my bookshelf with the Limited Issue SI National Champion hardback with Vince in the confetti on the front, the commemorative Rose Bowl football and the Best. Ever. Texas Monthly. Stare at shelf for 30 minutes without moving. Decide to organize the office next week.

Look at schedule for this afternoon. Way too busy. Have my assistant cancel anyone who isn’t dying and doesn’t have my home number. Consider telling everyone else they have Lyme disease in order to save time. Confusing and undetectable, I can quickly shoo them out with some antibiotics and recant next week. Say some more tests came back. Genius. I’ll be out by 4. Probably get a call from the medical director about that.

Flip over to BC at 11:00 to find out what everyone else is doing today while pretending to work or act like Armageddon isn’t happening tomorrow. I’m up for just about anything at this point that makes 24 hours go by faster that doesn't involve hanging out with HenryJames.