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Clipper Cooper: Pleased To Be 8-0


I guess I should be grateful for our wins and our inevitable trip to the National Championship, but I truly believe the Cooper motto that, "Gratitude is the guilt of the unworthy." Many of you are probably grateful for a lot of things in your lives, but you're probably something ridiculous, like a pediatrician or a librarian.

There has been a lot going on in the Clip's life. Did Winged Foot. Short game working. Addressed the ball like I was talking to my gardner. Liked my hip coil through the first nine. Got a bullshit break on 14 when my caddy displaced air during my backswing - wrote in a 2 because I knew I was going to dance it on the lip. My foot accidentally caught my ball on 16 and sent it in the hole. Epic! It's not cheating. By the rules, my foot is just an obstacle that my ball encountered, no different than a tree branch or a water fowl. Is a 77 good?

I'm pleased about the Oklahoma victories, mostly because Gundy reminds me of a salesman at the Home Theater Store who sold me a shitty warranty. Not that I keep track of those. If you could snip out Oklahoma and tighten the edges of the US, by pushing in on Washington, Maine, and Florida all at once - like a Buenos Aires plastic surgeon - then Dallas would be much closer to our cabin in Aspen. So I resent that state a lot.

As for Missouri - what is Missouri? Does anyone even think of Missouri? Missouri. I don't even understand that place's concept.

Every state has characteristics that we all know by immediate word association:

Maryland - Humid Lacrosse Trash
New York - Katie Couric!
Mississippi - Natural Servants
Vermont - Hackeysack Armpit Stench
Florida - Gator Cuban Jew Snorkeling

Missouri? Nothing. Blank. Anything that can't be labeled and dismissed quickly is troubling to a Cooper.

Another Cooper motto is "When life brings you lemonade, no need to squeeze lemons."

It means that when life gives you lemonade - in this case, actual lemonade brought by a Honduran man on a veranda - drink it, throw the glass into the outdoor fireplace, and then demand more. With some gin in it. And quickly! Say it with urgency as Latins are a drowsy people.

My secretary was reading my me e-mail today (sometimes I have her copy it out longhand first - Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!) and I decided to create synergy for our engineering group. The same assholes that revolted when I got them AOL accounts. Idiots.

After I did that, they put up pictures of my mugshot from the Dallas Morning News in their cubicles from when I had my DUI misunderstanding, weapons charges (are you seriously telling me that a sword cane is a weapon?), and violation of the Mann Act. It's a good thing that cocaine dissolves in bourbon! And in vaginas. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

I thought the engineers were being supportive with my picture everywhere, but Daddy thought differently: "Goddamnit son, they don't respect you. You were born on 3rd base and think you hit a triple." Whatever. What does that even mean? That I hit for power and have good speed both? Thanks!

And if I have so many "advantages" and my team is so badass, why am I still standing on third? Shouldn't someone have batted me in? Maybe they've tried. Maybe they keep hitting sacrifice flies, but I refuse to tag up and run home. Ha ha ha ha! OMG, what a fucking money move. I just stand there, bored and disinterested, blowing on my nails while my manager screams. I'm a legend. And Dad's analogies suck.

Anyhoo. Back to the engineers. When I found that Cooper Industrique had a department of math monkeys, I offered the obvious suggestion: an undersea railroad from Santa Barbara to Kauai. They were all like, "But data blah blah blah empirical blah blah blah impossible blah blah logic blah blah blah ocean floor" and so I made fun of their accents until they left.

My surprise Board of Directors presentation was CLASSIC!

Fourteen slides. 32 point Helvetica font. Each slide transition had a side effect like a car screeching or a dog barking.

Slide 1 Cooper Indistrique!
Slide 2 Innovation?
Slide 3 Yes!
Slide 4 Win!
Slide 5 Paradigm Synergy!
Slide 6 Santa Barbara skyline
Slide 7 Man leading a polo pony into a luxury train compartment
Slide 8 Man gazes from window at colorful fish and a mermaid woman (flowing hair covers tits - some undertit though)
Slide 9 Hula dancers (heavy use of sidetit)
Slide 10 Subservient Polynesian man offering a cocktail
Slide 11 Picture of plane - subtitle: THE PLANE TRUTH
Slide 12 Depiction of Andes cannibalism by rugby team near plane wreckage
Slide 13 World Trade Center
Slide 14 Buddy Holly, Valens, Big Bopper

(Lights come up)

SPEECHLESS. TransPacific Ocean Railroad now a reality.

While the enginners ignore my vision, they spend their day honking on about "supply chain" with thousands of tedious e-mails. Nice. Our engineers spend all day sending chain mail while not a single Chinaman has driven a spike on my railroad. There's nothing worse than chain mail. The pressure to act, the shit they hold over your head: Forward this to five people you love or you will have back luck! First, who could actually love five people? And a Cooper makes his own luck with his inheritance.

What other shit is going on in my awesome life that you would barely understand?

I've come to grips with the fact that Brooke has an eating disorder. She's eating five times a week now. I'm not sure how you address that sort of gluttony. I'm trying to be supportive, but there's only so often that I can belittle her in front of others to get her weight down from 112 pounds. Is a 5 foot 7 inch girl at risk of heart disease carrying that sort of weight? At some point, everyone that she is embarrassing needs to sit down in a Ritz Carlton lobby, bring her in, and say," Listen Brooke, you're a pudge. A fat size 2 at best. We care for you. But that's the truth. Lay off the celery. Do you think Metamucil doesn't have calories? Let's get serious about beating this thing."

Then they should text me and let me know how it went.

That's how I feel about this Longhorn football season. The remaining teams we play will fold as neatly as a cardigan. Text me when it's the Rose Bowl and we're playing the SEC rubes who will come to understand that we are their natural masters.