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The Cynic’s Guide To The 2009 Heisman Race

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Full disclosure: I detest the Heisman. Even more than hipsters.

Except when a Longhorn wins.

Or uses a Downtown Athletic Club slight as motivation to drop a nuclear warhead on USC in the Rose Bowl and then dance around in confetti. I've been working on a soon-to-be-released magnum opus to demonstrate some of the more egregious winners over the years and doing the research has only made me hate Notre Dame and the award more.