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Why Texas Stomps a Mudhole In TAMU's Ass

It never fails. We march through an entire season’s schedule like a rolling ball of butcher knives, as we have this season. Yet, inevitably, some of the mouthbreathers within our fanbase will still find a way to make an appearance at some point on the schedule to tell us all why we really should fear "Team XYZ". Making matters worse for any of us with any sanity about what we’ve seen from this team, these mental dwarfs have decided that the game in which they’re going to shriek over for 2009 is the Texas ATM game. I’ve seen them pulling up in their clown car and piling out by the dozen to shout at the rest of us on the various boards, the radio, and at the local sports bar. A female version of one assaulted me at a bar over this and other things last night, but that’s another post.

Look, Texas ATM lost by almost 50 points to Kansas State. They were bent over and roughly buttfucked by an OU team that could be shut down offensively by a speed bump and a bad fart. This is a Texas ATM team that was taught how to squeal like a pig by the Razorbacks themselves. This is a team that is teetering on the edge of irrelevance and can’t even approach selling out their home games unless we make an appearance. They’ve wandered so far off the path of college football righteousness that their AD gives weekly updates about bat guano and external illumination in an effort to avoid discussing the hulking, 800 pound, fecal matter slinging gorilla sitting in the living room that is the violent incompetence of their football team.

This Texas team is going to hoist that ATM team over its shoulders, terrify onlookers with a guttural cry as its arms are held high, and then de-spine the aggie spirit and dine on their still warm entrails while the ghost of E. King Gill simultaneously weeps and masturbates into a mason jar.

"But CloseToJumping, this game is going to be played at Kyle Field!!! The aggies are dominanting in that house of horrors!!!"

Listen, the only scary things about Kyle Field are the architecture and the general ledger entries within the Athletic Department offices. ATM is a shiny 5-1 at Kyle this season. They thwarted juggernauts to get there, too. People have good reason to compare the possibilities of our game with the likes of what ATM did against Utah State, UAB, New Mexico, Iowa State, and Baylor. If we played all 5 of those teams at once, I am fairly certain we’d be putting the subs in at halftime.

The Kyle Field legend is nothing more than Maroon Media Conspiracy working its magic. ATM’s "home field advantage" hasn’t been there since the 90’s, just don’t tell that to the folks at ATM. The aggies are 42-23 this decade at Kyle Field with a winning percentage of 65%. They are playing above that average this year and the balance is now due.

"But they worked us pretty good there in 2007!?! They always get up for us!"

A sleepy Texas team with nothing to play for showed up to Dennis Franchione’s going away party. Duane Akina accidentally left his Big Chief tablet with the defensive gameplan at a Luby’s in Austin. This Texas team has everything to play for. We’ve got national title hopes and a clear path for getting there. We’ve got award finalists all over the roster. This might be Mack’s last trip into BCS as the head coach.

Meanwhile, ATM’s season is secured in mediocrity. They’ve beaten 5 also-rans and Texas Tech. They’ve comfortably been handed their heads by any team that was sober and carried a pulse at kickoff. And Colorado. They’ve really got nothing to play for here except the fact that this game is allegedly a rivalry. What’s painfully clear to anyone watching all of this unfold on our end is that this is not a rivalry. We don’t care how about how many stacks of logs they wish they could light on fire or how many elephant walks the Corps can enjoy in one backwoods weekend. On their end, they’ve already played their real rivalry games against Texas Tech and Baylor.

"CTJ, Mike Sherman has an NFL background!!! He is going to give the Aggies a decisive schematic advantage."

Listen, Rae Carruth, OJ Simpson, and Matt Millen also have NFL backgrounds, they just wound up finding better gigs when they finished.

The only things that Mike Sherman brings to the table are soiled Depends and thick ear hair. This is a guy that found ways to make Brett Favre look pedestrian and threatened the nation with an aerial assault from David Carr on a weekly basis. No human being that takes a daily 3 hour nap and concocts an offensive gameplan in a hammock while play tic-tac-toe with his great grandchildren is going to outclass or outprepare Will Muschamp. Pull yourselves together. One of these coaching staffs will be playing chess on Thanksgiving night, the other will be trying to stay one step ahead of Alzheimer’s.

"You must not know how good their offense is, CloseToJumping!^*&^? That defense has handled its share of shootouts, too!!"

This is an ATM team that has put up big offensive numbers against some of the worst defenses in college football. The first 3 defenses they played are statistically 101st, 111th, and 113th in the nation right now. Arkansas, Iowa State, and Baylor are 95th, 99th, and 96th nationally. That is 6 of 11 defenses played that aren’t even in shouting distance of poor. When the offense has faced a good defense, such as OU’s, they’ve embarrassed themselves and quit. While OU’s defense is salty (and very dirty), it isn’t what Texas will field on Thursday night. And Will Muschamp isn’t Brent Vulnerables, thankfully.

The ATM defense is nothing short of the Wrecking Few. Von Miller is excellent and Trent Hunter has promise. The rest of that squad defends itself worse than France. They rank 100th nationally and they haven’t exactly been playing good offenses. Utah State scored 30 on these guys, at home. KSU’s 80th ranked offense, nationally, shat 62 on them. The pass defense comes in at 110th, and that’s after playing Nick Florence. The defense’s overall strategy appears to be this:

1) Cross fingers that Von Miller gets a sack
2) ????
3) Hold heads in shame, limp off field staring at the turf.
4) PROFIT!!!

"We have everything on the line in this match-up!! What will we do?"

Well, stomp a mudhole in their ass. I expect us to play B-I-N-G-O with fervor on their buttocks to the tune of 52-10. My only caveat is that that will be the outcome if we don’t dine at Dinish Patel’s Ramada Inn for breakfast on gameday.