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A Day in the Life of the Insecure Texas Fan

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6:21am: Wake up in hot sweats from wet dream having gone sideways.

“How did my mother wind up A) nude and B) beating me violently with my own belt? What was Brent Musberger doing in the corner watching?”

6:47am:  Bawl loudly in the shower… Masturbate to conjured image of Kay Bailey Hutchinson in Texas cheerleader garb.

7:13am:  Send angry email to Kirk Bohls for not recognizing Texas as a national power. Call his Texas citizenship into question.

7:15am:  Put on clothes. Head to HR job at Initech.

7:19am:  “Why does Mike Golic have an axe to grind with Texas?”

7:21am:  Ponder quietly in traffic whether or not Dan Patrick left ESPN to simply spread the virus of Texas hatred within the media to new venues.

8:14am:  Attempt to eat oatmeal in peace at cube. Wind up seething angrily because office aggy continues to claim that ATM is on the upswing while the Texas downfall is imminent.

8:32am:  Get harangued by a department head for job description posting performance.

8:44am:  Violently comment on Jason Whitlock’s blog because he announced his Heisman vote for Suh.

8:45am:  Threaten Mark Schlabach on his blog for making a case for Mark Ingram to win the Heisman next year as well.

9:27am:  While reviewing dental deferred payment program, work self up in anger over the fact that Charlie Weatherbie had the audacity to vote Texas #4 in the final Coaches’ Poll. “You just couldn’t handle the beating, could you? Punk.”

9:41am:  During sexual harassment mediation between VP of Finance and his former Executive Assistant, mind wanders into Heisman land again, this time over whether or not VY should receive or rebuke Reggie Bush’s tainted Heisman when offered it by the NY Downtown Athletic Club. “They deserve his wrath and disdain. It will be so awesome if he turns it down.”

10:39am:  Quietly call-in to Colin Cowherd’s radio show from cube. He just announced that he’d vote Miami’s 2001 national title team above Texas’ 2005 team for team of the decade. Now he’s going to pay.

10:42am:  Pound out angry email to Colin Cowherd. Those were tears of anger, not agony, you asshole! There is no shame in being passionate for a cause. Does he not understand how rude it is to laugh at someone in that situation?

11:23am:  Check Orangebloods.com in order to discover new ways in which the media and opposing fanbases have disrespected us.

11:25am:  Take 4 advil, breathe into a bag, then begin methodic rebuttal post on Better Off Red. “It is high time Nebraska fans give us credit for beating them in Dallas. Why does no one acknowledge our ascendance?”

12:03pm:  Go to Chili’s with HR rep and Accounting Clerk. Fade into thinking about how obvious it should be to anyone paying attention that Texas would have won that game had McCoy not gotten injured. “How could Chris Fowler put Florida above Texas? I hate that evil sonofabitch. … How does Chili’s continue to produce the best Skillet Queso in the chain restaurant market?”. Avoid looking at bar tvs, the ESPN byline is just angering. Not a single mention of anything Texas today.

1:14pm:  Note in Accounting Clerk’s file that she expressed a real disdain for the vacation policy.

1:49pm:  Attack BullMarket on Rivals main board for his complete lack of rationality when it comes to the Texas program.

2:33pm:  Kirk Herbstreit’s first 2010 preseason prognostication is out. Texas is nowhere to be found in the Top 5. “Why has God forsaken us?”

3:17pm:  While sitting through OSHA presentation on new handicapped access laws, attempt to cover erection underneath conference room table after surreptitiously reading article on cbssportsline.com arguing that the Bama title over Texas should have an asterisk because of the Colt injury. “Finally someone gets it.”

4:23pm:  Pack up Colt McCoy poster and bobblehead doll. Wrap to take home and archive in Texas memorabilia shrine. Set fire in trash canister (near office kitchen) to printed images of Jim Rome, Lou Holtz, Gary Danielsen and Chris Peterson. “How could Gary Patterson honestly think his team deserved to be counted amongst the likes of Texas?”

4:36pm:  With early office dismissal from fire drill, drive home quickly to catch tail end of PTI. There is just no doubt that Michael Wilbon will be slighting Texas.

5:15pm:  Pull out Big Chief tablet and lipstick. Write letters to 7 different AP writers that placed Florida above Texas in their final AP ballots. “Dear Douchetard (hahahahahaha), Why don’t you eat a bag of dicks? How about this? How about this? Why don’t you die in a fire (LOLZ!!!!!!)? You are a Texas hater! Well guess what!?! Well guess what!?! We hate you too. We hate you with the white hot heat of a 1,000 fiery suns. You better remember that the next time you think of voting against us, asshat (DIAF! EABOD!!!). Sincerely, A Very Sincere Texas Fan”.

5:42pm:  Infuse envelope edges with liquefied solution of hemlock and nightshade.

6:21pm:  Type out open letter on ShaggyBevo.com to Alabama fans, demanding that they admit that they know we would have won if their player hadn’t viciously cheapshotted (“That was a clear spearing, how did the refs miss that?”) Colt McCoy.

7:16pm:  Enjoy freshly heated fish sticks and corn dogs while watching announcers butcher the Texas/Iowa State basketball game. “It is clear that this Ron Franklin has an agenda against Texas. What is this asshole’s background? I hate that guy.”

7:54pm:  Sob quietly for a bit during ESPN’s halftime show. “Jay Bilas is the only guy that really gives Texas our due, isn’t he? Love that guy.”

8:29pm:  Aggressively avoid phone calls from Mother.

8:32pm:  Delete all messages from Mother.

8:33pm:  Dispose of multiple employee job performance reviews in apartment trash bin.

9:43pm:  Terrorize Rivals main board, SoonerFans.com, and Texags.com with taunts about how much better Texas is than any number of random schools. “4 out of 5 bitches!!!”, “Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Let me drop this bomb on you aggy (hahahahaahahaha!!!) – you aren’t even relevant to us! No, you’re not!”, “Hey SEC fans, we still own your asses! Don’t act like you don’t know it!”

10:19pm:  Bubble bath.

11:15pm:  Fall fitfully asleep to the tv, quietly replaying SportsCenter. “They barely even mention the Texas/Iowa State game. Oh, but ooooohhhhh sure, yes, let’s cover the NFL playoffs ad nauseum. Great!”

11:19pm:  Mentally write email to ESPN in the morning, admonishing them for their lack of Texas coverage.