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NFL Draft: A Mockery

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1. Rams-Sam Bradford-Best qb prospect since Carson Palmer.

Put on requisite weight but questions remain about his googly eyes. Should be nails on crossing patterns. Will command the highest amount of turquoise ever awarded a rookie qb.


2. Lions-Donkey Kong-The total package at DT. Strong like Bryant Young at the point of attack, but rushes the QB like Dana Stubblefield.....in a contract year.

3. Bucs-Eric Berry-

DB is a bigger need than DT so I go Berry here. The success of the big three safeties legitimizes this decision.

4. Redskins-Russell Okung-

Consensus best left tackle in the draft. Redskins definitely need to find someone to protect _________'s backside.

5. Chiefs-Rolando McClain. Probably too high, but if you can get a Demeco Ryans type you do it and be done with it. I know, where's McCoy? KC has too much money already invested in a 3-4 DL.

6. Browns-McCoy-Poor man's Lamarr Houston. I can see him starting off at DE and maybe moving down inside if he gains weight, or, when the next coach comes in and goes back to a 4-3. Too good to pass up.

7. Seahawks-Jim Clausen-I refuse to call a man 'Jimmy'. I hate this pick, but since I hate the Seahawks I'll go with it. May they both Mirer in mediocrity together.

8. Raiders-Trent Williams-

Rising up the boards fast. Good athlete with lots of experience. Versatility is a plus as the Raiders do well at taking highly drafted tackles and making them guards.

9. Bills-Dez Bryant-Reminds me of Brandon Marshall. He's more talented than Crabs, but a worse reader than Dexter Manley. He's doing his best to prove those negative East Texas stereotypes true.

10. Broncos-Dan Williams-Not sexy and probably a reach but a franchise that has Kyle Orton at QB isn't afraid of either.

11. Jaguars-Joe Haden-Ideally they'd like a WR that won't sniff up the hash marks, but with Bryant gone, and the fact that he might sniff up the hashmarks, they'll look elsewhere. Haden will be nice paired with Rashean Mathis in a division that has Manning and Schaub.

12. Dolphins-Jason Paul Pierre-French Jew, imo. Draft him with a plan though. Move him to OLB and let him learn behind Jason Taylor or feed him cuban sandwiches and put him at DE.

13. 49ers-Earl Thomas-Despite only playing two years the East Texan displayed great instincts and intelligence. This begs the question, are we sure he's from East Texas? With great range and a willingness to tackle his lack of size and true birthplace are his only question marks.

14. Seahawks, again-Anthony Davis-Amazing how another guy I don't like ends up here. Somewhat of a malcontent, let's hope he holds out as often as Walter Jones, with one tenth of the production.

15. Giants-Brian Price-NYG's starters at DT are Barry Cofield and Fred Garvin (or maybe it's Robbins). If that doesn't explain this pick then how about just upgrading to free up their dominating DE's?

16. 49ers, AGAIN!-Brian Bulaga-For a man that loves to snap the towel in the locker room the move from Iowa to SF should be welcomed, silly. Lots of talk about being able to take a risk because we have two picks. That's nonsense. Teams that are great can do that. We have our blockbuster in ET, now get somebody solid to pair with Joe Staley. This is a good draft.

17. Titans-Derrick Morgan-This pick is probably necessary even if Kyle Vanden Bosch didn't disappear to Detroit. Goodbye KVB, stay your white ass off of 8 Mile! Titans have to address their front seven asap.

18. Steelers-Bruce Campbell-Remember when I said great teams can afford to take risks? This is an example*. Campbell has injuries in his past but also has the chance to be damn good.

*contingent upon Big Ben keeping his cockpiece out of places it isn't welcome.

19. Falcons-Jermaine Gresham-Let him learn from Tony Gonzalez while bonding with Matt Ryan. This could be a damn fine combo for a long time.

20. Texans-Kyle Wilson-Explosive, versatile athlete at a position of need. One major question is: can he adapt to playing DB in an environment where his fucking uniform doesn't perfectly camoflauge with the field?

21. Bengals-Chris Johnson Spiller-That's apparently what the 'CJ' stands for. Not as fast as Johnson, which is a big deal as Johnson's speed is some next level shit. Still a hell of a steal at this juncture and he'll pair nicely with Cedric Benson.

22. Patriots-Sergio Kindle-Instant youth and athleticism upgrade on defense. Sure he likes to drink and drive, but lucky for him they don't drink much in Boston.

23. Packers-Charles Brown-Not exactly a project, but not exactly ready. He can sit behind the re-signed Chad Clifton for a year or two and then come on. Projects to be an excellent pass protector, which is good, because anything under 10 seconds isn't enough time for Rodgers to get rid of the ball.

24. Eagles-Jared Odrick-I don't watch the Big 10. Is it on too early? No, it sucks too often. But you know about Bulaga. Only because he's on the Niners board.

25. Ravens-Carlos Dunlap-Character issues make him the perfect person to gain from Ray Ray's tutelage? Admittedly, this is too low for Dunlap.

26. Cardinals-Patrick Robinson-Having lost the physically freaky, yet inconsistent Rodgers Cromartie, they'll look to fill the void with Robinson, who by all account is a freakish, yet inconsistent corner.

27. Cowboys-Golden Taint-Although unpolished, Taint is just too good to pass up. They got more miles out of Austin last year than they ever thought they would, but another weapon to combine with Austin and Romo boy toy Witten would make them a tough match-up.

28. Chargers-Ryan Mathews-Fresno to San Diego is a decent upgrade wouldn't you say? This just makes too much sense.

29. Jets-Brandon Graham-See Jared Odrick.

30. Vikings-Terrence Cody-Williams-The Vikings have a good thing going on the DL. Occupy four offensive lineman with two morbidly obese DT's freeing up that leg sweeping rockabilly cunt Jared Allen for sacks.

31. Colts-Damian Williams-I know they have The Haitian and Dallas' little brother Austin, but with Williams' hands and cerebral route running I'm thinking Peyton and Co. can continue to mind fuck defenses for years to come.

32. Saints-Taylor Mays-One great, HOF solidifying year by Sharper doesn't negate the fact that DB has been a weakness for years. So have fun Taylor, but hide that Star of David necklace becuase if there's one thing I know about the N.O., they'll shoot your ass in the face for it.