There is much to respect about EDSBS founder Spencer Hall: his sensible worldview, his rapier wit, the manic energy that burns off of him like heat waves off of asphalt, and his abiding respect for mustaches of all kinds.
However, this is his crowning achievement: The Luke Skywalker interview. Luther Campbell aka Luke Skywalker, is one of The U's biggest supporters.
And by supporter, I mean charismatic street agent.
Some choice excerpts:
Luke on child-rearin':
I'd rough him up a bit. I mean, he's a baby, so there's only so much you can do, but women want to cuddle him, make him soft. When he falls, let him fall, these ladies won't do that if you don't.
Never, ever, shake a baby. But you can sort of push them over and deliver a light jab to their abdominals. Luke isn't saying that they should live in a free ranging wolf pack like Spartans. Baby Einstein is fine, but mix in a little Baby Tyson.
I like it when strange ladies change his diaper and he pees on them and it gets all in their hair. It's like his first golden shower.
Tell me about your first golden shower, readers. I'll create a mailbag segment.
"I never thought this would happen to me, but I was at the Chi-O house when Mandi motioned to me to come upstairs. She'd had three bottles of Smart Water already and I thought to myself, what's that about?..."
Oh, and this is new: don't call a pacifier a pacifier. Girls have pacifiers, but that's soft. Boys have mouthpieces. I'm going to trademark that. You ask the kid, "Where's your mouthpiece at?" You've got to train your wife to say that too, because pacifier sounds girly. I'll change that shit.
Done. I think we should lace baby mouthpieces with unfiltered Marlboros.
Luke on Miami visitor musts...
Third, you have to come watch the Liberty City Optimists play the Overtown Optimists.
I like that inner-city club teams are always The Optimists, for its implied aspiration. Philly has the Bell City Pessimists. Peshawar? The Madrasa Young Radicals. I hope the Vatican doesn't have a youth team. No reason.
You have to wear your bulletproof vest. Don't be obvious about it, just wear it, and bring a lawnchair. You sit out with everyone else.
Of course we won't be obvious about wearing a nineteen pound piece of Kevlar on a 90 degree day with 85% humidity. We're not amateurs, Luke. Just wear a mock turtleneck and a Western duster.
Just imagine: everyone sitting in their lawnchairs wearing bulletproof vests.
I remember when John Lennon first challenged us to imagine this.
Imagine all the people
Wearing bulletproof vests
Eatin' lots of Funions
Bettin' on 11 year olds
And talkin' shit
People say I'm a Liberty City Optimist
But I'm not the only one.
And the wooooooorld will live as one.