The Texas basketball team had their annual awards banquet , and managed to eclipse even the football team's harvest of obscure awards.
Everyone got a trophy! YEAAAA!!!!!
Some of my favorite awards:
Mike Wacker Comeback Award sponsored by United Healthcare: Alexis Wangmene
The Mike Wacker award symbolizes courage, strength, heart, and a team utterly collapsing when facing moderate adversity.
Jack Gray Award sponsored by the Texas Exes: Jai Lucas
The Jack Gray award goes to the player whose father is owed the most favors by McDonalds All-American selectors. Mr. Paulus, presenter.
Athletic Director's Scholar-Athlete Award: Dogus Balbay
Dogus can crossover on you in Turkish or English. Great student. Interestingly, if you make him take a test from fifteen feet out, he scores around 10%.
Earlene Fulmer 3-Point Attack Award(!!!): Avery Bradley
NBA scout - So Avery, why should we draft you?
Avery Bradley- I am the winner of the Earlene Fulmer 3-Point Attack Award!
NBA scout - Enjoy Europe.
in Los Angeles, NBA game, Bradley faces Kobe twenty five feet out
Kobe Bryant: Yeah, take it rook. Don't be shy. I'll give it you.
Avery Bradley: (swish) EARLENE FULMER, MOTHAFUCKA!
Kobe Bryant: (upset) Was that the name of the girl in Colorado?
Hustlin' Horns Award : Matt Hill
Matt has been dead to me since he cut his Jewfro. Other things Matt Hill is dead to? The box score.
Spirit Award: Clint Chapman
Also known as The Grudging Acceptance Award, Sponsored by Condescension. The recipient receives a kazoo, a faceful of glitter, and a cologne of discomfort.
Most Improved Player: Jordan Hamilton and Gary Johnson
Now renamed the 6 foot 7 Black Hole Award. NOT RACIST!
Team Captain: Justin Mason
When he accepted the award, it cut him. They stopped the blood with a program.
***
I'd like to offer some of my own awards:
The Gabe Muoneke Award, sponsored by NutGuard: Vacant
The Jason Klotz Soul Train Award: Vacant
The Valtrex Tenacity Award: Damion James
Most Likely To Be Attacked By A Kurd: Dogus Balbay
Best Beatboxer: Dean Melchionni.
Begin mockery sequence...now.