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Texas Basketball Lectured By Soccer Mom On Overreward

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The Texas basketball team had their annual awards banquet , and managed to eclipse even the football team's harvest of obscure awards.

Everyone got a trophy! YEAAAA!!!!!

Some of my favorite awards:

Mike Wacker Comeback Award sponsored by United Healthcare: Alexis Wangmene

The Mike Wacker award symbolizes courage, strength, heart, and a team utterly collapsing when facing moderate adversity.

Jack Gray Award sponsored by the Texas Exes: Jai Lucas

The Jack Gray award goes to the player whose father is owed the most favors by McDonalds All-American selectors. Mr. Paulus, presenter.

Athletic Director's Scholar-Athlete Award: Dogus Balbay

Dogus can crossover on you in Turkish or English. Great student. Interestingly, if you make him take a test from fifteen feet out, he scores around 10%.

Earlene Fulmer 3-Point Attack Award(!!!): Avery Bradley

NBA scout - So Avery, why should we draft you?

Avery Bradley- I am the winner of the Earlene Fulmer 3-Point Attack Award!

NBA scout - Enjoy Europe.

in Los Angeles, NBA game, Bradley faces Kobe twenty five feet out

Kobe Bryant: Yeah, take it rook. Don't be shy. I'll give it you.

Avery Bradley: (swish) EARLENE FULMER, MOTHAFUCKA!

Kobe Bryant: (upset) Was that the name of the girl in Colorado?

Hustlin' Horns Award : Matt Hill

Matt has been dead to me since he cut his Jewfro. Other things Matt Hill is dead to? The box score.

Spirit Award: Clint Chapman

Also known as The Grudging Acceptance Award, Sponsored by Condescension. The recipient receives a kazoo, a faceful of glitter, and a cologne of discomfort.

Most Improved Player: Jordan Hamilton and Gary Johnson

Now renamed the 6 foot 7 Black Hole Award. NOT RACIST!

Team Captain: Justin Mason

When he accepted the award, it cut him. They stopped the blood with a program.

***

I'd like to offer some of my own awards:

The Gabe Muoneke Award, sponsored by NutGuard: Vacant

The Jason Klotz Soul Train Award: Vacant

The Valtrex Tenacity Award: Damion James

Most Likely To Be Attacked By A Kurd: Dogus Balbay

Best Beatboxer: Dean Melchionni.

Begin mockery sequence...now.