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Jon Gruden Calls Colt McCoy 215 Pounds Of Tungsten Potassium Nitrate

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I like extremely enthusiastic people, even when they're occasionally full of shit, which explains my fondness for Ted Nugent, Gus Johnson, a bulldog riding a skateboard, and Jon Gruden.

Gruden is expert at glowering into cameras, doing mundane daily activities in nearly orgasmic ecstacy, and dissecting college quarterbacks, often comparing them to poisonous building materials.

He sat down with Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford to break down their games for a ESPN feature.

I watched the Sam Bradford tape with a wisp of a smile, as poor Sam had to relive his Texas-induced shoulder re-injury over and over, with Gruden alternately chiding him and offering commiseration. He also called him the "worst sliding quarterback of all time."

Jim Everett was the best.

However, what makes Bradford tantalizing is what you see on the last bit of tape - a tall QB that sees the field who, when protected, has flawless accuracy downfield. Our favorite Okies, Boomer and Sooner opine..

At the end of the interview, Gruden pronounced Bradford to be 236 pounds of Anthrax Slathered On A Wheat Thin.

I would have gone with 107 Kilograms Of Smallpox On A Buffalo Hide - thus simultaneously demonstrating my utter insensitivity, and my faggish devotion to the metric system, in one fell swoop.

The Colt McCoy tape was equally amusing. Gruden has no patience for Colt's West Texas drawl and proceeds to instruct him on proper diction ala Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady.

Say it with me, Colt: The Dust In The Panhandle Swirls Mainly On The Plain! Again! Again!

He also lays into Colt for trying to make incredible plays while his offensive line breaks down, a phenomenon Longhorn fans recognize as "The Texas offense." And "the reason we were 25-2 the last two years." Colt's film is proof that sometimes you ett the bar, and sometimes the bar etts you. Even whin the bar cain't unnerstan what yer sayin'.

There was no Jimmy Clausen tape available, but Gruden did refer to him at one point as Sixteen Stone Of Douche Smeared On Titanium.