With his own vomit.
Meet Matthew Clemmens, average Philadelphian, and hero to Barking Carnival's Vasherized and Philly fans everywhere.
Matthew settles grievances by projectile vomiting on families during major league baseball games.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know how we do!" Vasherized just exclaimed.
A New Jersey man is facing charges after police say he intentionally vomited on an 11-year-old girl and her father in the stands during a Philadelphia Phillies game.
This is also known as a Philly House Warming Party. Most Philadelphians have vomited on a family, I'd imagine. But it's the intentional part that makes this shocking.
Police say Clemmens made himself vomit on an off-duty police captain and one of his daughters after Clemmens' companion was kicked out of Citizens Bank Park for unruly behavior, which included cursing, spitting and spilling beer by Clemmens and a friend. According to an account in the Philadelphia Daily News, Clemmens and his friend were asked by the 15-year-old daughter of Easton police Capt. Michael Vangelo to stop cursing and spitting.
"So, it's me and Jeffy, jus' enjoyin' a fuckin' game, and den dis teenaged horrrr gonna tell us we can't be Philly Phanatics, no more. I sez whoa. Now you know I got to spit and curse youze even more now. You now what I sez to myself, Fat Tony? You know what I sez? I sez fuck dat, I'm gonna cover dem wit my poooyukes!"
After Vangelo reported the incident to stadium officials, Clemmens' friend was led out of the stadium. At that point, Vangelo said Clemmens said he would be sick and "put two fingers down his throat."
When will our society gain the sophistication to treat bulimia as a disease? This man needs counseling and understanding, not condemnation.
He then "leaned forward and started vomiting on us," Vangelo said, according to the Daily News.
Or, as Ben Roethlisberger like to call it: courtship.
Philadelphia police say Clemmens also punched Vangelo and vomited on an arresting officer.
"So, then I sez to the offissa, I got some for you too, Barney Fife! BYAAAAAHSSGFGHGG!"
"It reminds you of the type of behavior you used to hear about at the 700 level in Veterans Stadium," Philadelphia police spokesman Lt. Frank Vanore said, according to the Daily News.
Awesome city. Awesome citizenry. Please burn to the ground.
Vangelo told the Daily News he didn't hit Clemmens because "I kept thinking, 'If I get arrested, my kids will be alone here.' "
I'm in awe of Vangelo's rational approach to crisis management.
My thoughts would have been, "I wonder how much a human head can bleed if I keep driving it into this concrete retaining wall?" followed immediately by "I could really use a shower."