After yesterday's 14-0 Drubbin' on the Diamond sponsored by State Farm at the hands of Their Friends from the State Capital (that's us! Ha ha ha ha!), the Ags really need a win here today.
As such, someone on the Shermanator's crack staff devised the following scoring system to help guarantee victory, which may be the difference between an overachieving 7-5 season, a superawesome 8-4 record, or perhaps even another TEN WIN SEASON!
Yes, this happened.
It's rumored that the wholly unique, uber-Aggie scoring system may have been lifted from a local Bryan elementary school football team where it is still advised that every participant comes out a winner.
Run or pass of more than 5 yards +1
Run or pass of more than 10 yards +2
Touchdown run or pass +6
Explosive run (12 yards or more) +4
Explosive pass (18 yards or more) +4
No turnovers +5
Five completions in a row +5
Dropped pass -1
False start -1
3rd down conversion (1-2 yards) +1
3rd down conversion (3-8 yards) +2
3rd down conversion (9-11 yards) +3
3rd down conversion (12 yards or more) +4
Overtime or red zone sack, penalty or turnover -3
Run of less than 3 yards +1
Pass of less than 5 yards +1
Pass deflected or blocked +2
Five incompletions in a row +5
Touchdown on interception or fumble return +6
Turnover with no touchdown +3
Tackle for loss +2
Dropped interception -2
Allow no explosive plays (entire practice) +10
Allow one explosive play (entire practice) +6
Allow two explosive plays (entire practice) +3
Allow three or more explosive plays (entire practice) -10
3rd down conversion stop +1
Overtime or red zone with no TD +6
DAVE SOUTH: And Christine and/or Michael racks up huge points on the run! No turnover +5, explosive run +4, explosive diarrhea -8 (tee hee!), Pressure? +2, run or pass more than 10 yards +2, 3rd down conversion (+12 yards or more) +4 ... aw gosh dang it WHAT A PLAY BY CHRISTINE AND/OR MICHAEL! That may just secure a victory here today..."
Most coaches scrap archaic third grade EVERYONE WINS! scoring systems by middle school, but Aggies, as you may know, tend to hold onto misguided traditions a little too long. This one involves Fear of Losing and I can tell you it's taken a Chupacabra-ey death grip on greater B/CS. How else to explain the one hit the Ags scraped together against Cole Green last night? After the game, Coach Childress called out the fans, administration, players, bats (and the lack thereof), bat guano, wayward ash from Eyjafjallajokull, and completey innocent local farm animals for "not bringin' it", presumably.
So I'm relieved to know that even if nobody shows up at the Fightin Farmer Spring Game today, at least the Aggies will still win.