clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Bill Byrne Is Byrne To Be Wild

My turn on the Byrne shift. Another chance to interact with one of the more amusing individuals on the planet, Texas A&M Athletic Director Bill Byrne.

When not channeling Baghdad Bob in his personal propagandic jihad against truth and reason, Byrne can be found charging Aggies free admission, refusing to call his friends in the state capital by name, coating his cankles in polyurethane to avoid Mississippi chiggers, slathering his calves seductively with entire bottles of Deep Woods Off, and reveling in the sweet nectar that is dropping a women's equestrian national championship on t.u. asses.


The weekend was hard on this old man.

Dear God, Bill Byrne has nicknamed his penis This Old Man.

Knick knack paddy-whack.

We had so many events in town, and I wanted to be at all of them. Friday, there was a football Lettermen's reunion as well as our football team awards banquet. Saturday was a men's golf tournament, the Maroon and White Football Game, a women's tennis match, and a baseball game against our friends from the state capital. Sunday was more baseball and golf. That's enough to fill up anyone's plate.

Bill Byrne, belle of the ball! How shall he balance all of these enticing invitations on his humble maroon saucer?

Our equestrian team won another national championship!

Another! This is comparable to John Wooden's UCLA streak, if only Bill Walton had been a centaur and basketball was totally obscure.

The western riders defended our championship, beating Kansas State at the Varsity Equestrian National Championships in Waco.

In fairness, the Kansas State team was riding greyhounds. Side saddle.

The championship was the fourth for the western program at the VENC, joining titles in 2005, 2007 and 2009.

If you're counting, that's four nattys, people. Under my regime. I am a river to my people.

The two best riders at the show were from A&M. Caroline Gunn and Maggie Gratny won individual titles...

...astride their trusty steeds Fanged Vengeance and Sire of Hullaballew.

It was the third championship for Caroline in horsemanship, while Maggie won our first title in reining.

Maggie is now the reigning reiner. Will she defend her title or take a reign check?

Ironically, Caroline competed against teammate Carey Nowacek and won by 2.5 points for the championship. It says something about your program when you are that good and that deep.

It also says something about your program when the man that runs your athletic department doesn't know what irony is. Or devotes eight paragraphs to equestrian and women's golf when the baseball team was rudely violated by the state rival.

I came away from the spring football game excited about our future.

Ironically, I believe we can become the Maggie Gratny of college football.

I saw significant improvement in our offensive line. There was one play when our left tackle, who should still be in high school, took on the rush end.

Your offensive tackle was playing hooky? Joeckel is a truant!

He saw a blitzing corner, stepped back and stoned the blitzer.

We don't need your primitive AgShar'ia, Byrne. We're a nation of laws.

I've not seen that kind of technique on this campus in a long time.

Not since Aaron Wallace stoned a Danish cartoonist, peace be upon him.

I also saw real improvement at both guard spots with Evan Eike and Patrick Lewis. They did a very good job.

Byrne's economy of phrase and spare use of language evokes Hemingway...

...Mariel Hemingway.

Quarterback Jerrod Johnson was masterful.

Euphemistically, he is the Cary Nowacek of quarterbacking.

The thing giving me the most hope was the speed I saw on defense. While we did not hit and wrap up consistently, we were getting to the ball better than before.

Note to self: recruit fast players that will tackle. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHIN', DING-DANGIT!

We were not a step away, and we were in position to make plays.

We were in position to be poised to act decisively in a tackling manner, should we so choose.

I saw us struggle at times to line up on defense, but part of that's because our offense snaps the ball so quickly.

Tweeeeettttt. Goddamn it Von Miller, line up facing TOWARDS the offense. You're facing the wrong way. What's that? No. I don't care where Evan Eike was pointing. You ignore him. Even if he throws stones when you blitz.

I thought the new 3-4 look we showed on defense will allow us to play more people against our Big 12 opponent's sideline to sideline offenses.

Well, Bill, we've been over this. A 3-4 and a 4-3 still have the same total number of people. You can only have eleven on the field, 12th Man or not. This is the last time I'm going over this.

And screw you for the Greg Davis cheap shot on the sideline to sideline offense.

The new defense will let us keep more speed on the field.

It's not tackling speed per se, but we will keep it on the field and age it like wine. Offensive players will be harassed verbally. Perhaps thrown down very roughly if we outnumber them.

I've been hearing from some of you concerned about a variety of things with Olsen Field.

For example, the baseball team...

We are about to change that with a plan to renovate and update Olsen which will bring it back to the top of the league's facilities. When Olsen was built in 1978, it made us the jewel of the Southwest Conference.

Even the Bee Gees and Steve and Edie Gourmet remarked upon it. No one denies that we were once a maroon Constantinople.

When As a result, more recruits wanted to play here, and fans wanted to come to the stadium in larger numbers. Since then, the same has happened at other schools.

This man communicates at the level of a four year old.

We need to step up and renew Olsen to a new standard.

We must renew that which was lost, to make it new again. When As a result!

Click here for more information on this phase of our Championship Vision.

I've been mocking this jackass for three years and he still can't hyperlink.

Another set of worries emailed to me this week focused on the lack of a rowdy student section at Olsen.

Another set of worries e-mailed him? The intensity of concern was such that Worry physically materialized, became self-aware, and began a direct mailing campaign.

People are wondering why, and some are blaming me for the students sitting on their hands during the game.

Could it be that executive order you issued that all equestrian national titles must be celebrated with a thumb in the ass?

Not too long ago, student attendance at our basketball games was terrible, while baseball student attendance was outstanding. As basketball has improved, students have made choices about how to spend their limited free time.

Darling, shall we go to the game, or do the cultural sights and hit a winery?

I've said before, we are becoming a basketball school.

Basketball school being defined as a school that has a basketball team.

The basketball season stretches into April, while the baseball season starts in mid-February. It is nearly April before our fans fully turn their attention to baseball.

You cannot expect a person's attention to shift in only one full month after the conclusion of the basketball season. Attention is a like a ocean liner in a sea of molasses. It does not turn on a dime.

Earlier this week, I heard from some of the same folks who wrote when I suggested a name change for the Texas Relays to the Texas A&M Relays.

In Byrne's world, we don't live in Texas. We live in the state of Texas A&M.

After our results in baseball last weekend, they said we should change the name of Olsen Field, and I will only use the clean ones, to Dish-Towel Stadium, Augie Field and a few others that were not so funny.

Such as:

Stumblefuck Athletic Director Memorial Stadium
Neville Chamberlain Field
Maginot Line @ Olsen
Equestrian Is Best Aginn @ Olsen Park sponsored by Axe Body Spray