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Bob Stoops (Hee-Hee!) Talks Draft

The Barking Carnival found Bob Stoops’ telephone! We were holding a teambuilding exercise at a corporate training location on the northbound access road of I-35, just south of Walnut Hill in Dallas.

I had to fill up with gas, and pulled up next to a pump just as a pink Cadillac left. I looked down, and underneath an empty beef jerky wrapper was a basic Samsung cell phone. I waved after the car, but it was too late. I went to the address book and keyed in "I…C…" and "ICE oe-Jay astiglione-Cay" scrolled to the top. It had to be a Sooner Athletics Department phone. OK, so much for returning it to anybody but the NCAA.

I took it to the BC team meeting. It was hard to talk amongst all the noise and lights, but we were able to communicate by writing on napkins and such. Which Sooner coach owned this phone? We scanned the address book…"Barry", "Brent", "Cade", "Carol"…! OMG! We struck the mother lode!

Ripley quickly made assignments- Trips was to message recruits, and Scipio was to send out employment inquiries. Vasherized was going to compose hard sells of Mary Kay products to OU AD wives, but a check of the outbox revealed that Stoops already did that, killing the comedic value.

A message came in from "Dave Sittler"- "Comments on 1st round?"

We talked it over. Given that all four, with the possible exception of Williams, were slated to go in the 1st round last year, and all were talked into returning for an unranked 8 – 5 season, what could he say? What would he say?

We decided that there is no way he would concede anything. This is the guy who argued that Texas losing to Tech in Lubbock last year (where OU hasn’t manged to win a game since 2003), and OU beating Tech in Norman (where the Raiders haven’t won since 1996) proved that OU was better than Texas, despite any on-field evidence to the contrary. Still, we couldn’t play it straight. How could we word it so that it was obviously over the top?

"What about all the naysayers now?"

Perfect! Claim victory. Throw in ridiculous word that nobody uses. Send.

A few minutes later…Ping! A reply. "Didn’t Bradford lose a year of pay?" He had a point. Bradford went #1, but he would have done the same in 2009. Really…Matt Stafford? Plus, last year he was healthy, and fresh off a Heisman season. We decided to play "opposite man". Given that Bradford was knocked out of two of his three starts, we texts back, "Bradford proved he was more durable this year...forsooth." We were hesitant to send it, because it was so obviously bogus, but the martinis (some BCers drink gin, some dring vodka, but absolutely no appletinis or flirtinis…we just don’t roll that way) were kicking in. We knew the jig was up, but…Ping!

Reply. "Good point. What about McCoy?" Good heavens. He actually bought it. What kind of journalist could be that blind to farce and satire? Oh yeah, one that covers the Sooners. This was going to be harder than we thought.

Let’s see. McCoy is a DT, a perennial position of need, and this was considered a talented draft, while last year wasn’t. McCoy was projected last year to be a high 1st round pick, and the first DT taken last year was BJ Raji, #9. How could anybody argue McCoy wouldn’t have gone as high last year. Let’s try it…"A scout told me that McCoy was a 2nd rounder last year, verily"…Send. Obviously BS. All the normal evaluation leaks had him in the first, and his measurables got no better in the offseason. Besides, Sittler himself wrote about Stoops’ complaints that you can’t trust the NFL scouts…

Ping! Reply- "2nd round? Really? Look’s like he was smart to wait a year!"

Stunned looks all around. He’s onto it. Sittler is pranking us. We decided to go out in a blaze of glory. "Final text. Gresham improved his position by hurting his knee, not playing and getting out of shape for the combine. Williams proved he was an elite LT by playing center! I am the eggman! Goo-goo-ga-joob! Bob, out!" We then gave the phone to the old guy selling products in the men’s room.

Yeah, Sittler really pulled one over on us. I wonder how he is spinning the draft, though…