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CANCEL ALL SPORTING NEWS SUBSCRIPTIONS AT ONCE!

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Yes, I'm talking to the seven of you out there that still receive this rag in the mail.

And for those of you that long ago canceled long ago that wish to point out The Sporting News reallocated its meager resources towards a fantasy sports-heavy model mixed in with occasionally astute online commentary from respected bloggers like Dan Shanoff and mgoblog Schauspieldirektor Brian Cook... well, you would be right.

But now they've gone and done something really stupid -- approaching such an unacceptable level of stupidity such that we may have to align our vast resources to cause immediate and irreparable harm to all SN operations and its sympathizers. Faisal Shahzad? Probably a subscriber. Here's why:

The Sporting News fucking left TEXAS out of their fucking Top 10 list.

 

Fuck that! Total bullshit.

The gentlemen soon-to-be-formerly-known-as Mark Hayes and
Dave Curtis (nice fake double first-name byline there Dave, or is it Curtis? IT'S DAVE CURTIS!), curry favor towards these supposedly more dominant college football teams than the one, you know, that just played in a fucking national championship game. Against the fucking national champion. Who is not surprisingly #1 on this shit-tastic list, despite being piloted by a quarterback with only slightly better skills and much worse fucking hair than Brody fucking Croyle. The right kind of coiff -- the SEC Swoop worn proudly by douchebags like Jay Cutler -- is extremely important in a conference this fucking difficult where you go up against SEC Defenses every week and Greg McElroy's disregard for this tradition shall not go unpunished!

Does the rampant , unchecked use of bold letters convey my seriousness about this fucking situation?

 

I'm calling 9-3 for Bama in a fitting Karma Chamelion type of Buzzcut Bukkake for Nick Saban. And he'll probably blame it on British Petroleum.

Anyway, here's the piece of shit list. I'm so exhausted and disgusted by this slight that I can't even muster the words to comment on it but here goes.

1. Alabama I guess Marcel Dareus is pretty good and Saban has evil on his side. Until 9-3 happens, enjoy the ranking.

2. Oregon 40 of their 85 scholarship players will either be arrested, jailed, or dead by season's end. A better ranking would be twenty two. But the Pac 10 is softer than Charlie Weiss' taint dipped in an olive oil salve. A BC tote bag for the first reader to cancel their SN sub that also knows where Charlie Weiss now coaches. Hint: It's a perfect fit.

3. Ohio State Sweatervest finally won a BCS Bowl and Pryor's brain showed signs of eclipsing 4th grade-level synapses, so maybe there is something here. But where are the roided-out LBs? The safeties that freakishly move like corners? Any Big 10 team in the top 5 is insulting. Give me Iowa at 7 (and Texas around 4) and I'm happier than Bevo goring a male Aggie cheerleader.

4. Boise State Is anybody else completely tired of this mid major retard smurf act? Somebody hire Petersen already -- or kidnap him -- anything so this team fades from the national conscience. Beating OU was pretty cool. Beating overrated Oregon and TCU squads, or this year's overrated tripe -- Oregon State and Virginia Tech -- doesn't prove shit. Irrelevance cannot return to Boise soon enough. Maybe get a connecting flight through Fort Worth and pick up some Horned Frogs?

5. Georgia Tech -- I'm still trying to figure out how a wide receiver from a team that threw the ball six times all year got drafted in the first round. There's a reason you didn't know who the hell that guy the Broncos drafted PT (pre-Tebow). I like Paul Johnson. I like the triple option. But #5? Without Derrick Morgan? Would this team beat Texas on a neutral field? With 16 players on each side of the ball starting on our 10 yard line with each possession? Maaaaaybe.

6. Miami Thugs. All of them. f the 1990 Cotton Bowl. 30 for 30 actually stands for 30 years for every 30 convictions.

7. Florida Oh look! Urban Meyer is coaching again. Wait, he retired! Look! He's berating a reporter. Oh, wait! He's felching Tim Tebow. Actually, this is the only accurate pick on this list. Even the dart board is right once in a while. Afletes everawhay man, sheeeit. Hopefully an oil slick wipes out the entire SEC East so we can creep back into the Top 10.

8. TCU No.

9. Nebraska Donkey Kong is off scaling buildings in Detroit and the Huskers have two returning QBs that are forcing the Pelinis to eliminate the wide receiver position altogether. A loss against Iowa State should automatically exclude a team from next season's Top 25. In fact, just sit out a season and make a run in 2011. The Husker fans will understand.

10. Wisconsin WHAT THE FUCK IN CHEESELAND IS GOING ON THAT WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT? Are steroids legal? Has Brett Fav-rah unretired again to lead the Byaddgers back to the pryommised lyand? First Schlabach picking the Ron Daynes in the Top 10 and now these hacks. Over Texas! Unbelievable.

I'm starting to think Texas might not even win a game this year.

Fuck it. Anybody know a good web site that will make me feel better about my team?

Preferably one that charges money?