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Today In T-Boone's Office: Part II

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For Part I of Today in T-Boone's Office.

***

Gundy, get in here.

Mr Pickens?

Oh, Gundy, Gundy, Gundy. Look at you, you ignorant sonofabitch. Just look at yourself.

Funny you should say that! I carry a small compact mirror for just that purpose. I have combination skin and tha...

Zip it, shitbird. We got bidness.

Yes sir. What manner of bidness?

Winning bidness. Before that, I need to berate you some. Gundy, your hair looks like the goddamn BP oil spill. I bet when your mama had you, you came down head first and she didn't feel a thing, you greasy pseudo-ethnic.

Well. I dunno about that Mr Pickens. That BP thing wouldn't have happened on your watch though I bet!

Oh, sure it would. Back in '84, we blew a rig off the coast of Nigeria. Pipe's gushing oil into the ocean like a Mexican's diarrhea. Everyone is fretting awful. I say, 'ol T-Boone got this thing handled.

You made public apologies and several hapless efforts to cap it while politicians attacked you and drove your company to bankruptcy?

Do I look like a stammering English limp wrist? Did I have several gay encounters at an all male English boarding school? Will you ever see me in the House of Lords? Is this a Hugh Grant romantic comedy?

No, is the answer, shitbord. I went to Lagos. I say to the tinpot dictator of the moment: "Listen, we got this corporate charity type thing. Free oil for the people of Nigeria. We'll just put it right on your beach. Also, I got a crate full of AK-47s and hand grenades for you yonder." He thanked me. Problem solved. That's how I would have worked those Cajuns too.

You're the best, sir!

That means a lot coming from a guy who wears a golf visor during night games. Ol T-Boone is just choked up that I have your approval. I may need a hanky.

Sir, I'm honestly touched. We're having a moment.

The only touching you get is when Bob Stoops and Mack Brown come into Stillwater and molest your football team. We gonna win 10 games this year, shitbird?

I believe with the proper mental attitude, we can achieve a lot this year.

You flatlands golf prick. We're going 6-6 this year, aren't we?

Ummm....

This just beats all.

Yes, we're going 6-6. But we'll start the year 4-1. So,that's good! Like, in terms of hopes and stuff. We'll be riding real high. Then the bottom will drop out and we'll go to a fourth tier bowl.

Me and Texas rig this whole realignment to eliminate the divisions, get rid of pussy-aching Nebraska, those mescaline freaks from Colorado, and now you're going 6-6 in Year 6? After ol T-Boone put a smooth billion into the program?

(Nods enthusiastically)

Gundy, I want to have you murdered. With a gardening trowel. In your tanning bed. Real bad.

I know sir. It's what I deserve. But...but...but...(sniffles)

Well, I'm not gonna. You stop blubbering. Wipe those tears with your oily bohunk hands and get out of my office.

Right away. And I'll Swiffer the areas where I stood, just like you like. So that - what is it you say? - "the horrid stink of my mediocrity doesn't infect your space and leave residue in your nostrils, as you are allergic to the pollen of losers."

Gundy - you are the greatest challenge of my entire career. When I mold your candy ass into Vince Lombardi, my legacy of greatness will be secured. Until then, get Swiffering and then get scarce.

Will do sir! Can you validate parking?