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Big 12 Media Day: Tommy Tuberville

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Tommy took his ears away from the SETI program long enough to join the Big 12 Media Days.

He brought along quarterbacks Steven Sheffield and Taylor Potts, proving that the Tech QB job is still up in the air, or that Sheffield is the starter and Potts was just there for a dry wall bid.

On the transition to Tech...

We're excited. It's been a tough six months just trying to get everything arranged and organized. It takes a while. It takes a good year.

How would you like to clean out the cabinets and crawlspaces in an office previously occupied by Mike Leach?

I'll lay the odds of finding a formaldehyde elephant fetus at a near certainty; John Merrick's jawbone at 3:1; a box set of the television show Webster at 6:1.

Eventually, you know, when we get into our nine-game round-robin, I guess, it will be a situation where we'll have a champion playing on the field.

Yes, Tommy. Previously in the Big 12 our champion was selected by lottery draw based on selling raffle tickets to the Sock Hop. The games were just exhibitions really.

I spent a lot of time on the road going out and selling everything to our alumni, how we're going to handle their program and everything that we're going to do and how we're going to try to win and win championships.

It's a real pleasure to be here at the Muleshoe VFA!

There's still some casserole over there. Don't be shy, now. Now, lissen everbahdy, I got me a nine point plan and it goes as follows. As you can see on this transparency sheet, I got here a chart...

Now you're probably asking yourself, why quick kick on 2nd down?

Well, 'ol Tommy gone tell ya...

So I'm excited about being in the Big 12.

Excited in the sense that I hate this league, think it's unfair, wish I could still be in the SEC, and now live in a place even more depressing than Western Eastern Alabama.

On the offense...

We'll put our stamp on it, but we're going to throw the ball around. We're going to throw it deep, and we're going to be very fast.

In fairness to Tuberville, who is portrayed as a paleolithic football conservative, he tried to put in the spread at Auburn, but his OC choice - Tony Franklin - proved pretty much clinically insane and sunk his program. Proving that you should never hire a guy that markets his offensive system via infomercials.

Defensively, we want our defense to take a step up. We want to let them know that they're part of the team.

Tommy Tuberville just bitch slapped someone in Key West.

On his quarterbacks Mutt and Jeff...

Both have played in the Big 12. They've both been starters in the Big 12. They've both been backups in the Big 12. They've both been injured. They've won games. They've gone through some tough situations, and both can play.

Both breathe oxygen. One has a funny moustache. The other is as skinny as Calista Flockhart.

One is messy and the other is fussy! It's Stixx and Potsy! And they're pals for life! (cue bad sitcom music and laugh track)

I only know one way to do it, and at Ole Miss, Auburn, and at Tech, I went in and made it as tough as possible, physically and mentally. Do everything right, be on time. You'll pay the price if you don't. And I've had not one complaint nor one player quit the team.

Except for Craig James' faggy kid. Ha ha. Just kidding media. Adam is still on the team.

Frankly our staff is terrified of Adam. Every morning I bring him Eggs Hollandaise and a copy of the The Lubbock Gazette.

Seemed like I've been at Tech now for about three or four years simply for the fact of their attitude and how they've handled this tough situation.

That's more likely attributable to being in Lubbock. Days. Go. Real. Slow.