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24/7 Sports: Would you like a private tour?

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There is some intrigue building over the upcoming launch of 24/7 Sports, mainly to see what kind of platform they roll out. Anything more current than, say, a late 80's Tungsten blue Volvo 240 DL with a rusted out tailpipe and 260K miles on the odomoter will put them in pole position against Scout and Rivals.

The 24/7 tech team, featuring the company's lone server.

Finding any substantive info on this organization has been difficult. And you know things are desperate when your best source of info is a Chinese Jew, Ben Koo, whose article mysteriously vanished since his initial exploration into the company was posted a few weeks ago. The link has been fixed and it's well worth a read for background on the Scout/Rivals wars that led to the creation of Shannon Terry and Bobby Burton's new company.

If you're sensing a theme here, it's that 24/7 is reaching Bilderberg levels of secrecy. This naturally falls into our wheelhouse, since most Barkers are former CIA/black ops guys with free time on their hands while stashed away in the witness protection program. It's also proof that we are not beyond TMZ-style ankle chasing, so here is Barking Carnival's exposé on the latest pay wall site to dare compete with those socialists over at Recruitocosm, who still insist that the best things in life should come for free.

It's like Dateline: To Catch a Recruitnik! (with slightly less sexual predators.)

21:32:07 BANGLAPORE REDIRECT GHOST SERVER/
... The first two carrier pigeons failed to make it past The Company's GPS-locked lasers. Third bird survives and delivered intel back to the safe house before mysteriously exploding in his cage precisely 24 hours later. RIP, Gotch.

Some facts we now know:

24/7’s technology is guarded closer than Apple's and site security is outsourced to the private firm Blackwater contracts to protect themselves. Think Minority Report meets Inception, with more pasty white dudes wearing coaches Polos.

"Hey Burton, should we send the kid to Oregon State or LSU?"

Gerry Hamilton is driven blindfolded to work every day in an Under Armour-plated limo driven by an old friend.

"The name's Bob. Bob Wheeler. Sweet revenge, bastards!"

Bobby Burton has started wearing white linen suits and walks with a noticeably slower, more casual gait. Is that a limp? Nope. According to our source, it's part of a complete image overhaul. Apparently Burton spent some of his sabbatical filming episodes of Queer Eye for the Tennessee Guy. and exudes a confidence somewhere between ’84 Don Johnson and 2000 Tiger Woods prowling the 19th hole.

Burton, undercover in Brugges circa 2009, about to dominate something...

And this is bad news for rivals, notably Rivals, whose headquarters is just a few clicks away from 24/7 in Brentwood, TN. A calculated move, imo. If one day all of the competing pay sites simply vanish into some lost corner of the World Wide Web, you read it here first. These kind of recruiting Tipping Points are pre-ordained and no animated message board gifs conveying your acknowledged irony of the situation can prevent them, or successfully mock them later.

In fact, 24/7 won't even have message boards. The reasoning being that after they execute a hostile takeover of facebook, message boards will cease to exist. Your cozy existence slacking off at work all day dicking around with MS Paint and Photoshop Elements to make Les Miles look even more retarded?

Gone.

This +1 EABOD?!

Also thankfully gone.

But here's the big news. Instead of star rankings, 24/7 will use the Periodic Table of Elements. This is a calculated move to avoid the backlash caused by the algebraic downgrade of a prized recruit from 5 STARS to 4 STARS. These mathematic designations are too rigid, leaving troubling evidence -- he was THIS and now he's THAT. We've seen it too many times: X analyst downgraded X player on X date without even seeing player X in person causing fan of team X to bang on his keyboard until his fingers are a bloody stump.

But how are you going to react when Cayleb Jones is changed from Tungsten to Brontium? Good news? Bad news? Who fucking knows! And it's brilliant.

Malcolm Brown has already ascended to the virtually unheard of level of Nobelium, an extremely rare Actinoid hitherto never even seen in the greater San Antonio area. Trace elements can be found in Vince Young’s jockstrap. Do the calculations correctly and the results put Malcolm Brown in an Orange House.

Our source also learned that Gerry Hamilton's new partner in crime, J.C. Shurbutt, turned down covering 7-on-7s in Athens two weeks ago to give a guest eulogy at George Steinbrenner's funeral, despite never having met The Boss and being known around the Rivals offices for stalking Dave Winfield on Twitter. And Dave Winfield isn't even on Twitter. Not yet, anyway. More evidence that 24/7 is already one step ahead of the game. The early hires also look promising.

The same source passed on some mystifying news regarding the limited access users will have to the site. Belying its name, 24/7 won't actually be available online all day long. They really have thought of everything. The web site will only be available between the hours of 5-6 a.m. to Copper level subscribers ($29.99/month), Barium ($49.99) from 6-9 a.m., and Bismuth level subscribers will have access from 12-6 p.m. for $99.99/mo or $400K for a lifetime subscription. Presumably the site goes dark the rest of the day, much like hornfans.com from 1997-2002.

24/7 Sports: All Recruiting - Part of the Day!

I don't see any way how this debut won't be anything other than a resounding success unless their writers consistently use too many double negatives when analyzing recruits, leaving readers frustrated and confused.

Along with the Chinese Jew, some of you are probably thinking, "Duh. This shit was news months ago", and have likely already received an invite to the kickoff party in a few weeks. It's being sponsored by a wildly successful Houston electricity company, who is flying in the famous Barcelona DJ closetolaunching on the company G5 to entertain the thousands expected to be on hand.

Dope beats, bro.

As for the rest of you, check back in a few weeks post-launch to see how accurate our inside mole was. His non-compete clause with a former employer is up in two weeks and we're thinking of offering a lucrative deal of $22K/yr plus full benefits and a ticket to the Rice/Texas game in 2014.

If he's wrong, he simply disappears.