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The Best Party Schools In America: Texas #6

The Princeton Reviews' top party schools list is out and Texas is a respectable #6. I'm confident that with a few changes, we can get back firmly into the Top 5.

First move? Replace the milkshake machines at the Pi Phi house with poor grade moonshine.

But won't that make them drunk and blind?

Yes. Yes, it will.

Mind you, Playboy did have Texas as the #1 party school, but that's also an evaluation based on a blended average of campus talent, anonymous sex in grottos, men wearing smoking jackets saying hip things, and the opinion of Dick Gregory.

The Princeton Review appears to be Pure Party Power Rankings, where even doughy Midwesterners and homely East Coasters can contend on an equal footing.

The Big Ten Conference had six schools on the list, while the Southeastern Conference had four.

In the Midwest, heavy drinking is both a seasonal coping mechanism and an adaptive mating aid. Remember this acronym: SOFA.

Sweaters Over Fat Asses.

The advantage of Big 10 women is that they're all good natured, many possess solid German-Scandinavian genetics, they lack emotional fragility, and every one that I've met can throw a football.

Every. One. Tight spirals too.

Roseanne Barr voice: "Oh my garrrrsh, youuuuu guyyys! Put some more vodka in my soda pop! I've got to go to clyass."

In the SEC, drinking, drugging, cavorting, and men growing out their bangs like lilting faggots is a form of southern patrician rumspringa where the youth indulge in all of the things that they will one day be squarely against and decry once they obtain their third rate law degree, join Daddy's practice, move to a gated community, attend a mega-church, and begin cranking out children named Kadyn and Chelmsley**.

And those are boys names.

** Many Florida graduates and all Cajuns excepted

The Big 12 has only Texas in the Top 10, a sad reconfirmation of this conference's pathetic status.

I will now subject this list to my bullshit detector utilizing incomplete experience, stereotypes, and unassailable innuendo:

University of Georgia - Talent. Hip town. Top 10? Of course. #1 though? I need your input.

Ohio University, Athens - I've actually been to Athens as they had a football program moribund enough to send me recruiting letters, clearly confusing me on film with one of our talented, or even average, players. This explains why when the coach met me he remarked, "Hey, I notice that you're not black..."

The campus is gorgeous and traditional, the academics are forgiving (but the journalism school is top notch!), and every campus domicile had a party couch on the front porch. They also have a very famous Halloween party that is Caligulan in its scope and motivations. However, it's located in Appalachia and surrounded by towns named Ironton, Steelton, Outsourced, and Bleak Industrial Future. So let's move the mighty Bobcats down a few notches. To say, #10.

Pennsylvania State University Didn't they film The Road around there? I'm not sure anyone on the planet other than Penn State students has ever been to State College, so I guess we'll take their word for it that it rocks. The place may as well be Atlantis for all I know. Every time I watch them on television, I see biting cold, miserable people huddled together, a sky covered covered in what appears to be volcanic ash, and the cheerleaders are thick-legged man-cows.

But apparently they PARTY!

West Virginia University Interesting how these rankings value bleak winters. WVU is sort of like Ohio State but the students are 20% less asshole and 15% more inebriated. They will burn a couch with little provocation. The kids carry lighter fluid in their backpacks. I'm going go mark them down for inattention to dentistry, however. Off to #12 for you, Mountaineers.

University of Mississippi - I knew a handful of guys like Clipper Cooper at Texas. I've not yet met anyone from Ole Miss that isn't Clipper Cooper. They're a solid Top 10.

The University of Texas, Austin - NO ONE DENES THIS. I feel like we'd be Top 3 if we'd get rid of our engineering and business schools. Nerds.

University of Florida - This appears to be the place in Florida where normal people go to school. The rest of the state is cast from the movie Bully.

University of California, Santa Barbara But of course.

University of Iowa Didn't know this. I may interrogate the Black Heart Gold Pants guys to assess the truth of this.

Jack Kerouac famously wrote that the most beautiful women in the country live in Iowa.

Jack Kerouac also did a lot of hallucinogens.

DePauw University The only thing I know about DePauw is that this is what the DaBear uses to kill you. Off to #51 for you, DePauw.

That's the Top 10.

But wait...

"Awwww, me cher, how dat Yankee magazine gon leave out dem Tigas?"

Any list without LSU is deeply suspect. Perhaps they were discounted for the state not having internet or maybe there was a corruption subtraction.

Listen, these are my ancestors. No one on the planet is more fun. And more unburdened with intellect. And that's a lethal party combination. Cajuns are the most enjoyable people on the planet unless they're running your government or serving in any position of authority or responsibility.

LSU exclusion aside, any list without LSU and Arizona State? Well, that's just not a list I can't take seriously.

And I take my speciously assembled, poorly reasoned, fictitious party school lists VERY SERIOUSLY.