clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Investigative Report: Bob Stoops is the Product of a Top Secret Government Research Program

The Barking Carnival news team has recently uncovered a disturbing story tying University of Oklahoma football coach Bob Stoops to a covert military research program.

Our suspicions were first aroused when Coach Stoops made the rounds on various ESPN interview shows last week.

Over the years, several observers have noted Stoops' bizarre facial structure, which appears to lack a discernible chin. As quickly became evident during his on-camera interviews last week, Coach Stoops' appearance has only grown more bizarre during the off-season. After conducting a detailed forensic analysis of the ESPN footage, our staff scientists determined that the sizable neck-pouch underneath Stoops' non-existent chin has swollen to mumps-like proportions.

Barking Carnival's resident medical expert has verified that a neck-pouch of this size and prominence is entirely inconsistent with human genotypic and phenotypic characteristics, causing him to speculate that Bob Stoops is, in fact, slowly evolving into an amphibian. Several other anatomical features support this expert opinion.

Coach Stoops shares several anatomical features with the species bufo americanus, prompting Barking Carnival's medical expert to hypothesize the University of Oklahoma coach's metamorphosis into a toad-human hybrid.

Additional similarities between the Sooners' coach and the common toad include Stoops' tendency to urinate when threatened, his long-rumored capacity to transmit warts by contact, and his yearning to open-mouth kiss a handsome prince.

Inspired by our medical staff's findings, Barking Carnival immediately filed a formal request with the State of Oklahoma under the Freedom of Information Act. Our request was apparently passed up the hierarchy from the state to federal level, and the information we ultimately received provides a rare glimpse into the shadowy world of top secret genetic research.

It appears that Coach Stoops is the subject, perhaps without his direct personal knowledge, of a classified military program known only as "Operation Freedom Frog." The details of this covert operation are provided in the declassified initial proposal below, which Barking Carnival received pursuant to its FOIA request.

In short, the government has apparently inserted toad DNA into Bob Stoops' genome, hoping to create a half-man / half-toad / half-whiny-sack-of-crap capable of ingesting microrobotic surveillance devices. The diagram below illustrates the basic concept of Operation Freedom Frog, including Barking Carnival scientific artist MilkmanDan's conception of the resulting toad-Stoops chimera.

As shown above, only a subtle, almost imperceptible transformation is necessary to convert Bob Stoops into a full toadman.

It is unclear at this point whether the new, even more toad-like Bob Stoops will prove less loathsome. While some experts forecast that Stoops' increasingly amphibious features will only amplify his inherently revolting personality, others insist that Stoops could not possibly grow more repulsive. Members of the latter camp cite the toad's primitive vocal chords as evidence that Coach Stoops' regular sideline tantrums will be less frequent or, at the very least, even more unintelligible than usual.

Will this monstrosity in the eyes of the Lord prove less prone to sideline tantrums?

Stay tuned for further updates on this unsettling research program as more details are uncovered by Barking Carnival.