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Texas Tech Consults Ex-Girlfriend For Game Intimidation Measures

Yes, Texas Tech is going to give Texas the silent treatment.

I wish I was kidding you. I wish I lived in a state where Tech fans didn't try to come up with ideas. This idea will go over like a Buddy Holly themed commuter airline:

According to KENS5, the Texas Tech student government has told the students to be completely quiet when the Longhorns take the field because they think silence will be more intimidating than making lots of hissing noises and boos. "They're used to someone yelling at them," said Drew Graham of Texas Tech's student government. "You can boo as loud as you want, but if we really get the stands to be completely silent, that has got to be more threatening to any team than anything else."

What could be more threatening than a pleasant absence of noise? Sometimes when I walk on a quiet deserted beach in Kauai, I reflect on how threatened I feel. Like the nanosecond before a cobra's strike. A restful cobra made of tranquillity, breezes, and pineapple slices.

How will Tech convince a drill press operator from Andrews screaming RAiiiiDDDDErrrrrrr Pooooooowwwwweeeerrrr! in a grating West Texas lilt that this primal yell is not the highlight of his life, other than playing pulling guard for Abilene Cooper back in '86? The idea of a pack of rabid Tech supporters stopping in mid-battery chuck to observe a poignant moment of silence and cow us with their mute disapproval is a worse idea than poetry slams.

This Gary Cooperesque assault will not be carried off effectively.

The Silent Treatment wasn't their only option. Also discussed:

Throwing Themselves Down And Wailing

Holding Their Breath Until They All Simultaneously Pass Out

Everyone Blurting Out - "You want to fuck my friend, Samantha, don't you?" - In An Accusatory Way

Making Texas Fans Sleep On The Couch After We Win

Sulking And Wiping Off Kisses

Threatening To Take A Whole Bottle Of St John's Wort

Passive Aggressive Planning Of A Family Event During OU Weekend