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Viewing Guide: Week 5

Nominally, this guide is a preview of all of the games of the weekend. As a result, I'm going to try and adhere to that principle and not head off on a tangential rant against Greg Davis, sideways offenses, offensive player development or anything else. Because I'm a professional, goddamnit! And also because there's nothing I have to add to the conversation that hasn't already been covered by the other professionals on this site here, here, here, here, here, here and here. There's also been some great posts on other longhorn sites as well. Just not Orangebloods. The only thing additionally I might be able to offer is an extensive list of creative methods for torturing and disposing of a certain play-calling fucktard. But that is exclusively for people who sign up for my newsletter.

Instead, I'm going to offer what I think is an accurate, fully encompassing image of our offense, our fanbase, and our general mental health in this current time of crisis:

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
alternate caption:
Gives new meaning to Lives In a Burnt Orange House, doesn't it?

Anyway, there's a fantastic slate of games this weekend, so lets dive in:


Texas aTm at Oklahoma State (ESPN) - Ok, onto the meat. There's about 5 or 6 different angles on why this game should be fun. One, it's a matchup between two BCS teams, and no one has any idea what to expect from either. Mike Gundy packed up his office and hair product before the season even began, and Texas aTm hasn't won a televised game since Lindsay Lohan was clean. Both teams are undefeated against a slate of competition that would make a 5A high school snort derisively, and both have struggled at times even to manage that accomplishment. Aggies think that this is their year, and it damn well better be, or what next? On the upside, the play of Oklahoma and Texas are making their dreams look more plausible by the minute. I'm not sure I have anything positive to say about Okie Lite, except they're the home team, and this is typically the kind of game where aTm drops an anvil on their foot. And then a child walks in screen and wonks them in the joint with a croquet mallet. In this case, by child, I mean a man at 40 dressed as an even douchier version of a frat boy. The rest of us who are just watching the game can simply sit back and watch the chaos which ensues. No matter the outcome, there's something at which the rest of us can laugh. You should also read the Ags take and the Pokes take.


BYU at Utah State - This game is less interesting than shotgunning a 6 pack and then reading Ulysses. Fuck that noise. And before anyone tries to make a clever witticism in the comments section, I assure you, no the booze does NOT make reading Ulysses more enjoyable.


11 a.m.

#16 Miami at Clemson (ESPN2) - Now we're talking. We get to see Miami against a decent opponent that is somewhere in the middle of Ohio State and Any Team Coached My Wannstache or FrankenMiles. It should be interesting. Miami has a lot of talent, and I am not referring to Randy Shannon's talent for pulling up for the field goal. Clemson, meanwhile, had Auburn by the short and curlies last week before crumbling beneath the intimidating presence of the mammoth Gene ChinZik. One jut of that chin alters the tides. Don't think that doesn't come in handy when other teams try for 3. Anyway, all signs point to another solid Miami victory, despite their QB, but not as easy as they had it last week. It's a good morning game. Also, I'm refraining from posting another hilarious Jacory Harris picture for the 2nd straight week. I'll have to save it for later, because here at the Viewing Guide, we value variety and originality. In everything except my stale jokes.

2:30 p.m.

Navy at Air Force (Versus) - I guess I'll give this game a nod, because traditionally the games between the armed forces academies are pretty competitive. Mostly because they have the same amount of undersized white guys on both teams, so at least the teams LOOK well matched. It's kind of like watching a good high school game. But with patriotism and shit. Scipio touts these contests for the purity of scheme, much the same way he espouses the WNBA on days he wears his outdated Sheryl Swoops jersey to the office. Anyway, this should be an interesting enough distraction from certain frustrations that may or may not be ensuing on another channel.

#11 Wisconsin at #24 Michigan St. (ABC) - Oh look, two undefeated Big 10 Teams that have made a habit of beating the shit out of invalids while struggling with anyone that has anything even partially resembling a pulse. Oh wait, that's the Big 10's unspoken signature, isn't it? Similar to Vasherized's stolid flourishing of open buttons, chest carpet, and sundry gold chains. For both parties, I guess it's good to be known for something...other than body odor. I guess. Anyway, typically I cheer for Michigan St. in these contests because I like their helmets, and because two weeks ago they almost killed a guy, which is badass. Too bad it was their fucking head coach. I can think of about half a dozen more likely candidates to have a heart attack on the sidelines before I'd have picked Mike D'Antoni. The only explanation is that Friedgen and Mangino have multiple hearts. My hypothesis is one for every 200 lbs. Anyway, I have little doubt this tilt between two ranked teams will be some typically Big 10 brand of boring and end at 17-14 on a last minute field goal. Whatever. Ranked teams playing and shit.

Big 10 Football, in all their comparative splendor

Virginia Tech at #23 NC State (ABC) - I'm not sure I really give a shit about this game, but watching the slow self destruction of Frank Beamer's squad is of mild amusement to me. They've been horrendous all year, manifesting each week in slightly different forms of pig shit, the only variance being strength of odor and solidity. NC State, meanwhile, while hardly looking like a BCS bowl team, is undefeated and has been better than expected this year. Which is a damn good thing, because Tom O'Brian basically needs to win at least 8 or 9 to guarantee his job. Up until this year, the only coach more disappointing than this guy weighed 700 pounds, had an ego to match, and habitually cried on the sidelines. Except that doesn't really narrow things down, does it? As far as contests go, this one should be interesting enough in the sense that it's competitive. Either team winning wouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

#21 Texas vs. #8 Oklahoma (ABC) - The fucking game of the year for anyone who lives in states bordering the Red River. Oklahoma is a state full of physically and mentally bankrupt pieces of fucking baboon shit. No offense NateHuepel. But seriously, I hate these guys. The problem is, from all indications, we do not look very good on offense this year at all. Like, if offensive effectiveness were dick size we'd have a micro-penis. That was impotent. After 10 viagra. As of a couple weeks ago, I was feeling pretty confident about this game, because OU isn't exactly looking dominant either, except against teams with another Stoops calling defensive plays and are susceptible to bribery and/or blackmail. Both teams defensively have huge holes, but at this point I'm concerned about how those holes match up. OU has a weak secondary, but up until this point we've not shown any indication of being able to throw the ball downfield. Meanwhile, their DE's are strong, and our Tackles are on the same cycle and read each other the latest issue of Cosmo. On the upside, there's a good chance our ends might whip Landry Jones right into the stands like a shot-put, and that's when our DBs aren't picking off his shitty lobs. But we're weak in the middle over time. Like all Texas/OU matches, this game could go either way, regardless of expectations coming into the game. At best I think everything sets up to look similar to last years game, and we struggled to move the ball then with all our stars (thanks to turnovers). It makes me nervous to think if I had to pick a team that could sustain one drive, who would I pick? Which is a fucking shame, because most of those slimebags deserve to be chopped up into pieces and fed to the pigs that are their unquestionable betters. At least pigs feed humans. What the hell do most Sooners do for society, other than knock up family members, suck down welfare, and generally embarrass the rest of the country? And don't you goddamn dare say "keep afloat the trailer park economy." We all know that's a net fucking loss on humanity. Are you ready for some bloodshed football?

Stoops defends Okie policy on Incest. They thinks it's the best

7:00 p.m.

#22 Penn. State at #17 Iowa (ESPN) - My natural urge for this game is to cut and paste damn near everything from the Wisconsin and Michigan St. game into this slot as well. Just about everything fits except for potential or lingering issues of myocardial infarction. Boring offenses, conservative playcalling, BIG TEN FOOTBALL! And no, JoPa is not a candidate for heart failure. If that guy isn't already dead and moving around thanks to the powers of nercromancy, then 100% chance he is immortal and simply uses makeup and slurred speech to camouflage the truth. That he's really Ponce De Leon and actually discovered the fountain of youth way back in the day. Anyway, instead of being undefeated, both of these teams have one loss, both to the best opponent they've played thus far. And despite the record, they seem like better teams than their contemporaries playing earlier in the day. But not that great against other conferences. Also a hallmark of BIG TEN FOOTBALL! Now if you'll excuse me, the boredom of this conference has overtook me, and I must sleep. It's a shame I just woke up half an hour ago.

Washington at #18 USC (ESPN2) -When I watched Washington face Nebraska a few weeks back, I saw a defensive performance by the Huskies which was like watching a guy who showed up for an arm wrestling contest get shot in the face by a fucking Desert Eagle. I've seen less empty tackles on a charter fishing vessel in dry dock. It was embarrassing, and it made Nebraska seem better than they are, in my opinion. Defensive faggotry of Washington aside, however, this week they get to face Laniekins and his traveling circus of gypsy idiots. This dipshit's teams have struggled mightily for long stretches with pretty much everyone they've faced, and they have less talent than when Washington beat them last year. And a worse "coach." I say that because that guy isn't a coach, he's a goddamn clown. USC might win, but probably only because it's at home, and personally, I'm not even sure that is going to be enough for them to pull this off. Lane Kiffin gets frustrated and collapses into a crying heap of vag trying to tie his shoes. I hope Jake Locker puts up 500 all purpose and then runs into the stands and bangs Kiffin's wife. After me, of course.

Step 2 is paddycake, Step 3 is tallywhacker time

#9 Stanford at #4 Oregon (ABC) - Now we're cookin' with gas. This game is getting lost amidst the hype of the SEC showdown i'll take a look at next. But this game is the best kind of college football game. Both teams are highly ranked, and all signs point to that being a justifiable ranking. Both teams have handled pretty much everything placed in front of them, although Oregon looked a bit mortal last week. And yet, both teams still have question marks as to just HOW good they are at this point. Are we talking BCS championship teams? Or Just top 10 teams? Or is one a fraud? Oregon had a lot of changes last year that looked to hurt them, but then they came out and started putting up Jack Pardee Run N' Shoot scores on people to start the year. Stanford has just quietly and systematically throttled everyone on their schedule. Harbaugh's team performs like serial killers that would rip out a person's spine, slit their throat, and then cock their head expressionless like a curious dog while the life bled out of their victims. To say I have a crush on their offensive play calling and execution would be a healthy understatement. And they do it with kids who get Ivy League test scores and are there to attend school first. I'm not sure what else to say to that other than GoFuckYourselfGregDavisWithABurningRake. Sigh. Pardon my tourrete's moment. Anyway, there's lots of curiosity, and a huge margin for how this contest could turn out. And both opponents, by all accounts, look like the real deal. We'll find out on Saturday.

#7 Florida at #1 Alabama (CBS) - By most accounts, this is going to end up being the game of the week in the eyes of the media, and probably most casual fans. And that's understandable, probably true. After Arkansas made dirty water in their leggings last week against Alabama, Florida marks the next best chance for someone to take down Saban and his evil little empire this season. The problem is, Florida hasn't looked as potent as years past, and don't let some 5 or 7 or however many TD performance by some guy for Florida convince you otherwise. Outside of a guy I watch games with on Saturday, 'Bama hasn't looked all that impressive to anyone else either. Although their TB combo makes me want to cut myself when I watch Tre Newton play, just so I can feel something. Florida should be up after last year's upending in the SEC championship game. Or so goes the expected cliche. Saban's teams rarely have problems showing up just enough to stay competitive. So this game should be interesting. And if Florida can find any form of consistent offense, this game could be badass. For the record, I'm still cheering for Urban Meyer's chest to explode on the sideline, and Nick Saban to be sucked down into the abyss at a public forum after the expiration of his Faustian deal. Fuck them both, but shit, good football right? Since the idea of listening to someone say "Alabama repeats" or anything similar gives me facial tics and makes me want to liberate my ears from my skull, let me be the first to say Go Gatah!

This bitch makes national decisions, therefore I drink

As always, anything I missed? Kindly ignore spelling and grammar. Comments about my parentage, etc.?