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Viewing Guide: Week 6

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"Losing All Hope Was Freedom"

- Jack, Fight Club

Amidst the boundless conflagration of hatred that has justifiably erupted towards Greg Davis and our paint by dipshit numbers offensive scheme is the fact that, for better or for worse, we as Longhorn fans are now Free. It came at the high (although predictable) price of our patience, sanity, reason and collective pride, but the pressure and discomfort has now been relieved. Like the overweight and socially inept Trekkie who just gut pantsed by reality when he attempted to make a grand gesture of love and asked out the homecoming queen at public assembly. No matter how cringe inducing it has been, at least that band-aid has been ripped off. Most of us, accepting the worst and that the outcome of this season has almost no chance to deliver us any championships or higher level satisfaction, can simply enjoy the games on an individual basis. We can appreciate watching young players develop, the circular evolution of our offensive schemes, and generally just the fact that we can now relish football for just football's sake. At least, that's what I tell myself between gasoline huffs. So with that healthy new mindset in place, lets check in on this week's slate of games, brought to you by Fight Club (movie, not book).

Wednesday:

UAB at UCF (Whoops,Yesterday. Sorry):
I'm fucking Lou. Who the Fuck are You?
Yawn. It's on TV, but if we're being perfectly honest this game is a secondary viewing choice to Modern Family, or even FX's new show Terriers. But if you're going to DVR those shows for later viewing and concentrate on Football, you can at least amuse yourself by watching the most stereotypical looking drunk Irish fuckhead in the history of planet Earth in George O'Leary. This guy's face isn't even perpetually red, it's fucking perpetually purple. He sweats pure whiskey, and it's a little known fact he coaches with a portable dialysis backpack strapped on at all times. He's in the Mount Rushmore of asshole looking coaches. So that's something. (nota bene, I wrote it, so you're going to read it).

Thursday:

#7 Nebraska at Kansas State (ESPN):
You can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick.
This is easily the best Thursday night game of the year thus far, and I wouldn't be surprised if it's the best game that we'll see all year on Thor's Day. I swear that Nebraska is not that fucking good, but it's getting to the point that it doesn't matter because I'm not sure anyone in the Big 12 will be able to expose them. Why? Because this year everyone in the Big 12 seems limper than Madonna's dick. Kansas State is well coached, but I might be coloring up their chances against Nebraska on the simple fact that they typically mule stomp Texas on a regular basis. But Pelini isn't Mack Brown and Greg The Bunny. Nebraska has more talent than Snyder, but you'd think Snyder will be able to shut down Nebraska's offense with scheme. By the same token, Pelini should have no problem crowding the box and forcing the Wildcat's fluffer QB to throw the ball. Not exactly Kansas State's strength. The spread's around 7, and I am expecting a good game, but it might just be because at this point I'm giving Snyder too much credit. Pelinis are cocksuckers, btw.

Friday:

Connecticut at Rutgers (ESPN):
This is Bob. Bob has Bitch-Tits
.
Two schools with recognizable names and average field product to match. Enough said, move along.

Saturday:

11 a.m.

Minnesota at #20 Wisconsin (Big 10 Network):
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
If we're being perfectly honest, this game probably doesn't deserve to be on anyone's realistic Saturday viewing guide. Wisconsin still isn't anything special unless you're talking about their loose women, proclivity towards jovial inebriation, and adept cheese-making. Watching Tim Brewster find new and inventive ways to disappoint and blow his feet off with a cannon every week is equal parts entertaining and exasperating. Some people imply that Brewster might be our next offensive line coach after McWhorter gets sacrificed on the altar of Greg Davis Ineptitude and General Hatchet Jobbery. But I still file this under Who Gives A Shit. Game looks boring as hell.

Baylor at Texas Tech (FSN):
You know, you have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh.

This game should be entertaining as all fuck. Robert Griffin III is starting to look like his old bitch-slapping self, and Texas Tech is coming off a laughable raping at the hands of the collegiate equivalent of a Mongol Horde, Iowa State. Paul Rhodes is a good coach, and he seems to have his boys in fighting shape, but shit, that is a game Tech still should have rolled handily, new coach or no. Baylor just finished putting in the last nail in Turner Gill's coffin, making him a better than even chance to be the only coach other than Mike Price and George O'Leary to be fired before the end of their first season as coach (I made this up, don't research it). But at least he got to coach a few games right? That's what happens when you hire Wow Torbush to run your defense, and Chuck Long to run your offense. I like Turner Gill, but he legitimately would have been better off hiring Arnie Grape and Sloth as his assistants. At least Sloth could wreck some shit and looked like he would force players into the Strength and Conditioning program. Wait, this wasn't part of a Kansas preview? Oh fucking well. Tech and Baylor has all the makings of an entertaining shoot-out, and I will be watching with rapt attention. Fin.

Tech should have put this poster up last weekend. Still applicable this weekend.

Boston College at NC State (Gameplan):
Only after disaster can we be resurrected.

The Tom O'Brien bowl, which I'm sure the entire country eight people have been circling on their calendars for years now. After building up Boston College and lots of people thinking that Irish jackleg would take NC State into the big time, O'Brien has promptly and consistently let out a slow 4 year fart all over Raleigh. To say he's been disappointing wouldn't be an understatement, it would be THE understatement. Sort of like saying that tits are mildly interesting, Bob Stoops is morally flexible, or Scipio Tex casually reads Stephanie Meyers' Twilight novels. That shit just isn't up to the level. Fortunately this year, NC State has looked better, although they did just get slapped in the face by the flaccid penis that is Virgina Tech, so who knows. Meanwhile, Boston College probably still feels a bit spurned by their religious minded former head coach skipping off to allegedly greener pastures. I'd say they'd be out for revenge, but clearly that is against a commandment or some shit. And we all know collegiate football players at private schools like Boston College are there for their faith first, their education second, and athletics third. Anyway, whatever it's on TV and it gives you something to watch while you drink your Bloody Mary.

Tennessee at Georgia (Gameplan):
Big Guy. Big Reach. Skinny guys fight 'till they're burger.

Two storied and well respected programs squaring off in a battle of general laziness and coaching ineptitude. Mark Richt punched his ticket to unemployment earlier in the year, and if there was any doubt it will probably be extinguished this weekend when he struggles with Tennessee, who has looked respectable at times despite last week's end game fiasco with Les Miles. That farce looked like a combination of a Monty Python skit and something Tyler Durden pulled out of the trash at a liposuction clinic. I laughed so hard and so loud at the general idiocy of both teams that restaurant management came by the table to ask me if I needed medical assistance. Georgia and Texas look very similar as teams this year, and their records would probably be the same if Texas didn't have Rice and Wyoming on their schedule. Tennessee has looked better recently, but we'll see if fucking away last week's game to LSU has taken a mental toll on them, or if it has honed their mental blade to a keen edge. By all accounts, this game should be competitive, hilarious, and compelling in equal turns.

2:30 p.m.

#1 Alabama at #19 South Carolina (CBS):
Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
And, so begins the best part of our Saturday, the Mid-Day window. On the surface, this game has all of the makings of another fantastic game. Ranked SEC teams, all that shit, blah blah. But despite Florida looking down this year, they're still probably better than South Carolina, and last week Alabama played the Aryan Nation in their re-enactment of the shower scene from American History X. And then casually gave Florida a curb-smiley on the way out of the stadium. Do we really think that the Gamecocks are going to present more of a challenge this week? Steve Spurrier may or may not be more engaged than usual for this time of the year, but Alabama is rolling and outside of the putting green and practicing snarky comments in a mirror, the only real play Stevie-boy has here is to prepare his anus.

Obligatory

#11 Arkansas at Texas A&M (ABC):
My God, I haven't been fucked like that since grade school.
Speaking of horrible and unspeakable orifice violations, Texas A&M come on down! You're the next contestant on <Shang Tsung>You're Soul Is Mine</Shang Tsung>. The Fightin' Texas Aggies pissed away a huge lead last week to an inferior (on paper) Okie Lite team and ended up ripping out their own heart yet again on national television. This week, they're facing a vastly superior Arkansas team which will have the joy of ripping out their heart for them and then use their eternal soul as toilet paper. People from Arkansas all have IQ's in double digits and are generally filthy degenerates struggling to keep their classification as bipeds. However, it IS awfully nice of them to save A&M all the trouble of having to shit away this game. They'll just eviscerate them from the get go and call it an afternoon. As they steal any hopes aTm had of pulling recruits out of Dallas. Watching this game should be more satisfying than a dinner at Fogo De Chao.

Looks like the Ags didn't give their heart to that ewe after all

#17 Michigan St. at #18 Michigan:
Goddamn boys, we just had a near life experience.

This game is really fascinating on a number of levels, and I'm not speaking to the fact that Mike D'Antoni is returning to the sidelines and we might actually see our first in-game coaching death since Mike DuBose in '99. Both teams are ranked next to each other in the polls. The schools are in-state rivals and hate each other more than Mack Brown hates confrontation. And on top of all that, we still aren't really sure how good either team is compared to the rest of the field. Denard Robinson is the most exciting player in college football this year (he has more offensive yards than the entire Texas team), but that Greg Robinson led defense is so fucking terrible that even Greg Davis could put up 50. It makes babies cry and recently qualified for a government bailout. Seriously, that unit has single handedly kept ALMOST EVERY SINGLE Michigan opponent this season within striking distance. And we are talking about some terrible motherfucking teams. What will they do against the Spartans, which are at worst a respectable team? Should be fun as hell.

Wannstache vs. King Hippo (NCB):
Even the Mona Lisa is falling apart.
If these two programs were cars they would be a 90's mustang and a 90's camaro. Two formerly muscled up titans of industry, now morphed into the favored cars of white high school girls everywhere. This should be a competitive game against two average teams. And no one cares. I listed this game to post the illustrative pictures of this epic clash of the mammaries.

6:30 p.m.

#12 LSU at #14 Florida (ESPN):
A question of etiquette as I pass...do I give you the ass or the crotch?
Sweet fucking christ, what the hell should we expect from this game? Florida is weak as hell (for them), but Les Miles continues to be the biggest motherfucking waterhead in the history of collegiate football coaching. There is no explaining the way this guy manages to bumble his way to victory with this level of consistency. No explanation other than his methods are purely arcane. If this were a role playing game there wouldn't be enough mana points or 20-sided die in a universe of comic book shops to cast whatever spell this doofus has launched into the universe. I'm resolutely and passionately of the belief that this stumblefuck has incriminating pictures of Lucifer stashed away somewhere. It is the only explanation for how he manages to extricate himself from the ever-present jaws of defeat. Which, incidentally, is also where his Foreheadfulness curls up for his daily naps. I just want to rub his engorged brow with my hands and then bet every penny I have on 12 red. Yeah, Florida is playing too. Urban Meyer is a prick but a good coach. Whatever.

7 p.m.

#23 Florida St. at #13 Miami (ABC):
Is that your blood? Some of it, yeah.
Miami has shown themselves to be a pretty damn good team at almost every turn this year. They pissed away chances at Ohio State or they could be 4-0, and everyone was really pointing towards next year's team being the one that would potentially contend for a title. As it stands, they're 3-1, and they should be favored in every single game on the rest of their schedule. Florida State, meanwhile, is also 3-1 and has won all of the games on their schedule against the patsies in impressive fashion. Which is sort of like being being impressed with a government employee that only takes a 2 hour lunch. La Dee Da your majesty. Sure enough, the only game they looked like the worthless slappies they are was the week where they played Oklahoma. Which happened solely to spite me. I swear to god Oklahoma fucking sucks, and Bob Stoops absolutely paid off his brother to have the defense take a dive. I know this with the confidence and certainty that HenryJames displays for the complete catalog of Ricky Martin. Anyway, this is one of those throw out the record books and talent level type of games, and last years Miami vs. Florida State game was one of the most entertaining of the entire football season. So, tune in and enjoy. And fuck all Stoops.

USC at #16 Stanford (ABC):
How embarrassing, a house full of condiments and no food.
Hmm. Lets examine the data points here. One coach fought a war for 3 quarters in a hostile environment and lost to an aggressive national title contender last week. The other coach got beaten yet again by a talent inferior opponent and looked inept in the process for like the 19th time this young 5 game season. One coach is one of the best in the profession. The other coach is the very definition of falling upwards and has his father on staff to tie his shoes and cut the crusts off his PB&Js. One coach is a hard nosed, blue collar style worker who has managed to mold a bunch of academic oriented kids into one of the nastiest teams in the land. The other coach is the very definition of entitlement and absolutely expects success and victory to be handed to him without actually having to practice any form of coaching. So with both teams coming off of disappointing losses, which coach do we think is going to have his team ready to play? Yeah, that's what I thought too. Jim Harbaugh is going to rape and pillage the entire Kiffin family, smile while doing so, and the disemboweling the entire USC team will almost be an afterthought. AD Pat Haden might even receive enough of an embarrassing blowout loss to shitcan Laniekins after half a season. It's not like the guy isn't just looking for an excuse anyway. And this might be it. I only hope that I'm in a place with a colossal herd of USC fans so I can throw my obnoxiousness to Defcon 1 and go absolutely full retard.

Kiffin, giggling, would is about to open this

Thoughts? Any games I missed? There were a few matchups of name teams I ignored. As always, kindly ignore spelling and grammar issues.