To paraphrase Michael J. Fox's character, Lewis Rothchild, from Aaron Sorkin's The American President-
People want good football. And in the absence of genuine football, they'll watch anything that pops onto the television. They want quality football. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand.
Now normally, you'd be correct in assuming that I was talking about the Thursday night game (Friday mediocrity is a given), or even the Saturday morning slate. But not in this instance. This whole weekend looks like a bloody wasteland, or the land that time forgot. If last weekend's games were a world class blowjob, this weekend is the receiving end of a Cleveland Steamer. This pile's on us.
As always, all times in Central. Lets chug some sand.
Oklahoma. Also, an illustrative metaphor for this weekend's games.
South Florida at #25 West Virginia (ESPN) - I'm going to fake this one like HenryJames' pool boy. What a great Thursday night matchup! Noel Devine is still a unique talent even though he failed to knock off Les Miles and LSU. We'll get to see him again in a nationally televised game with a chance to illustrate to the country just what a unique talent this guy is on the field. And South Florida is a team full of athletes, and we get to see the intrigue of Skip Holtz continuing to mold a new team....GAAAAAAAAAH I CAN'T DO IT! Writing this garbage is causing me actual physical pain. My eyes and ears are bleeding, and if I have to keep up the charade of cheer and optimism for another minute I'll be in prison because I snapped and dropped a couple of live grenades into someone's Jersey Shore watching party. West Virginia has one player, and who gives a crap? And South Florida is full of great athletes that are too stupid to get into SEC or the other Florida schools. Do you know how stupid you have to be that the SEC can't find a way to get you academically qualified? Literally dumber a piece of Les Miles' excrement. South Florida's players aren't even intelligent enough to throw feces at each other in the locker room. Meh, whatever. The further we get into the year, the less games like these really matter, and thus the interest loss.
Kansas St. at Kansas (FSN Somewhere, or Not Televised) - Look at these two nancies squaring off, almost like real schools with a real rivalry. I'm not even sure if it's televised, but after that coat hanger abortion Kansas St. put up last Thursday, I won't be surprised if it isn't. And at this point, we all know the cut of Kansas' jib. It's shitty, if it wasn't readily apparent. The cut of their jib is shitty. It's a Big 12 conference game, and I'm not sure there won't be less suspense in this game than an episode of Entourage. Oh snap, Vinnie Chase landed on his feet, Yo! Kansas St. wins, The Jayhawks suck, and the entire state continues to bring the national obesity index up 15% all on their very ownsome.
Thanks, Kansas. You disgust me, Ashley Judd be damned.
Cincinnati at Louisville (ESPN) - I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. If this game were a pathogen, it would be Super AIDS.
Boston College at #16 Florida State (ESPN) -Florida State needs to take a visit to the Curl Up & Die nail salon for their mani/pedis. I should have known a team with a Stoops would find a way to give me angina and mild heart palpitations. I was a numb arm away from checking myself into the hospital after watching those morally devoid piles of inconsistency actually decide to play against a top team. Which, by the way, is very UN Stoops-like, Mark. Might want to read the family history again if you want to stop being the black sheep. Behavior like this is only going to ensure that Robert The Chin(s) maintains his elevated position in the Stoops male hierarchy, and you continue to raise his illegimates after Bobby declared "permanent prima nocta." Mark didn't even try to defend against the logical impossibility of that statement. Just like his defenses.
Illinois at #13 Michigan State (Big 10 Network)? The fact that Ron Zook is still employed by anyone in a capacity that doesn't come with a jumpsuit and can of pesticide is staggering. It would be the subject of dissertations and endless speculation amongst college football fans if it wasn't perpetually eclipsed the NCAA's own version of Easter Island, Les Miles. Similar sized heads, imo. Anyway, this is typically the kind of game Michigan St. drops after they've just knocked off a quality opponent, so gamblers and pick 'em participants, you're on upset alert. Now, a question for the gallery. Does Ron Zook's mouth actually ever close, or is that unhinged jaw and baffled demeanor simply a result of some kids slapping him too hard in the back as a child? That mongoloid drools more than R.P. McMurphy after a lobotomy.
#21 Missouri at Texas A&M (FSN?) - Alright Alright. Shockingly enough, this is one of the better games of the day. We all know that Missouri is fairly respectable this year, although I admit that I haven't really been paying close enough attention to how Gabbert has been progressing, etc. You guys tell me. Because he could be out for eternity with a case of crotch ebola for all I know. And A&M, well, at some point we're going to figure out exactly what to make of this team. Is it the lovable losers we saw against Okie St., continuing their decade long tradition of stumblefuckery and the football equivalent of erectile dysfunction? Or is it the team that held tough with Arkansas last week, and looks like they're making strides and improving? While I'm inclined to think a lot of that was Arkansas pulling their typical quarter speed effort and sitting on their dick, we don't really know for sure. Reasonable doubt, and all that junk. So we get to see Fo' Realz this weekend as aTm squares off for the second straight week against a respectable opponent. In a game that will literally define their season. Either as winners...or the usual model where they drop their pants on national television. Which leads to the natural progression of aggies everywhere pinning their season's hopes on an upset victory over a better program to top off their steaming cups of cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive Dissonance: That there's a context where this isn't mind bogglingly retarded
Vanderbilt at Georiga (ESPNU) - I care less about this game than I do the historical value of the Ecuadorian peso. Vanderbilt sucks, and Georgia sucks, no matter how badly they dismantled Rocky Top last weekend. But I guess Texas fans need to cheer for Richt to keep winning. Yawn.
#15 Iowa at Michigan (ABC/ESPN) - Ugh, do I have to talk about this game? Big 10 football is more effective than ambien, and I already have to talk about the night game later in this post. Iowa has most recently been seen whipping the belief in a higher power out of Penn State, firmly establishing themselves as a solid power in the Big 10. Michigan has most recently been seen getting the Greg Robinson beaten into them by their little brothers in East Lansing. How will they respond? Will Denard Robinson take it personally and go bananas on the field, VY style? Will I make fart noises and throw detritus at the TV showing this game? You know, the standard questions.
#20 Oklahoma State at Texas Tech (FSN) - This game gets the nod simply on the potential entertainment value. Oklahoma State is not good, and Tech has shown a highly entertaining ability to play down to or below their opponents this year. I actually expect this game to be an almost carbon copy of last week's Tech/Baylor game, so that definitely means fun viewing. Plus there's the real entertainment, as if Robert Griffin and Pottsbacca weren't enough to keep us all amused. No, the real pleasure will be the shots of T. Boone on the sidelines as he looks at Gundy and taps his timepiece pointedly. I wouldn't be surprised if that guy was pissing in Gundy's hair product. Which, if anyone was wondering, is a perfectly acceptable act of immature vengeance. Assuming grandpa Pickins can still control his bladder and doesn't have a catheter strapped to his leg. Catheter: The original stadium pal.
Texas at #5 Nebraska (ABC/ESPN) - Here comes the pain. Nebraska has been whipping themselves into a slavering frenzy for 10 months now, and at this point they resemble more of a pack of ravening animals than they do people. And that's just their fanbase, their actual team has to be screaming and ready to fuck Texas in an uncomfortable place. Like the back of a volkswagon. As sweet as it would be to jettison Nebraska right out of the Big 12 with another loss, all signs point to the Bug Eaters as being the superior team. Which, shockingly enough, is what happens when you actually receive coaching on the offensive side of the ball. Martinez looks real good, and their defense will likely be able to stop our run with 4 and drop back and wait to devour Gilbert like a Dallas housewife at a divorce settlement. And while I'm inclined to think that the forecast for this weekend's matchup is prolonged bovine agony, Mack and Texas do have a quality record in games following an OU loss. But if we're honest, pretty much everything we've seen on offense all year would have to suddenly manifest themselves as the polar opposite for us to look good in this game. That's a lot of stars to align and pagan sacrifices to make to feel good about Texas. That being said... f Nebraska, go Texas. Even if you win, your state is still worthless, your women are still fat, and having to reside in Nebraska is only slightly more comfortable than slamming your balls between two dictionaries. Perpetual and unimpeachable scoreboard. Go husk some maize.
Wilson is also less round than most of their females
#12 Arkansas at #7 Auburn (CBS) - Alright, this should be a pretty damn good game. Auburn hasn't exactly looked like a world beater up until this point, but they've looked good, and they've beaten everyone they've played, which is more than most teams can say at this point. And it's not like they were playing a bunch of chaff. Clemson, South Carolina, and Mississippi State are all respectable to good, although Auburn has struggled with all of them. They've squeaked by more opponents than Les Miles. Ok, maybe not, but you get the point. Meanwhile, Arkansas has been like a super robot all season long. A super robot that has been systematically lowering our high expectations of them, game by game. Those hillbillies have been tip toeing through every game against a decent opponent like a slutty wife skulking back into her own house. They're either eking out victories or letting Alabama use their butthole as an artistic canvas. So lots of signs point to this being a pretty competitive game. The good news for Arkansas is that Ryan Mallet might be the only college quarterback with the arm strength to rocket throws through the gravitational interference of Chizik's jaw. The bad news is that won't do anything to stop their meathead quarterback from throwing his arcless plus fastballs to backs and receivers 5 yards away. No Touch. He has it.
California at USC (FSN) - I don't give a damn about this game, and neither does anyone in California. Particularly now that all the USC fans have adopted their unaffected demeanor of indifference towards their college football team. Those shit-stains are now quieter than a mouse fart, and the fans at Cal never cared in the first place. So I'm not writing about it. It's only on here because when you ignore California's teams, Scipio gets a palsy and his stutter starts to reemerge. None us win when that happens.
#10 South Carolina at Kentucky (ESPN2) - Guh. Watch Spurrier blow this one after they knocked off Alabama. You just know this is going to happen. And by the infallible prognosticating of the Transitive Property, South Carolina already lost to a team that barely put away Kentucky last week. They're DOOOOOOMED! Sigh. This weekend's games suck sooooo bad.
#1 Ohio State at #18 Wisconsin (ESPN) - I'm morally and probably legally required to take a look at this game, despite the fact that it's the Big 10 and doing my taxes is more interesting than any product from that conference. Wisconsin is respectable, and I want to give Bielema credit for basically telling Tim Brewster to go fist himself after their game last week when Brewster absolutely lost his mind. After another embarrassing loss. His 68th in his 3 and a half years at Minny. Meanwhile, Ohio State is rolling, and pretty much penciled into the national title game unless someone steps up and punches them in their vag. Which you wouldn't think would be that hard to do to a team that gameplans to field goal and punt, but so does the rest of that worthless conference. I'm already sick of people talking about how Pryor has taken his game to another level this year, and if I hear one more commentator compare him to Vince Young I swear to God I'm going to scream like petulant little girl until my vocal cords explode and I pass out. Ohio State should roll, and it's even more disgusting that I have to cheer for Wisconsin to win in this game. I feel dirty just thinking about it, like Sailor Ripley after he and his wife have sex for procreation. The only microscopic hope I have for entertainment here is that the worthless waterhead that showed up in Week 1 returns to my game bar of choice, so I can mercilessly and loudly mock him for using Son in a sentence as an adjective, verb, and noun. This mouth-breather even defied grammar and used it as a gerund. Every third sentence was "Son, you don't run on Ohio State, Son." I will fucking murder him.
Fast Forward to the 54 second mark. This is what I'm dealing with here.
Iowa St. at #6 Oklahoma (FSN) - Entertaining because Iowa State, while still an out, is a much less easy out these days. So naturally this is a game worth ogling out of the corner of our eyes, as we all secretly hope to watch Bob Stoops eat a giant Shitburger. If Bob Stoops were a pathogen he'd be Houston Nutt. Or maybe that's vice versa?
Mississippi St. at #22 Florida (ESPNU) - This game should be interesting. Florida is obviously way down this year. Like, a lot more down than I thought two weeks ago. That being said, Dan Mullen used his insider knowledge and almost knocked off Florida last year. And he absolutely would have if it wasn't for some laughable calls by the SEC refs, who make the cosa nostra look like an honest and stand up organization. And this year, both teams have inched a few steps closer to the middle from their respective directions. Could be fun.
And that's all she wrote, folks, because as I said before, this weekends games are absolutely terrible. As always, is there anything I missed (Do NOT tell me Oregon State and Washington)? And I really hope so this time, because this slate is about as appetizing as Dame Judi Dench in a thong. As always, kindly ignore any spelling or grammatical errors, because I'm generally lazy and hate proof reading.