Entice one (1) courageous Iowa State fan to share a pre-game libation, brashly declare a Cyclone victory, disparage Mack Brown's character, insult the nearest pretty female in attendance, and walk away in mid-sentence like he was never even there. BOOM.
Should two (2) Cyclones arrive and perform even one (1) of those tasks, we'll declare the tailgate a wild success.
Eclipsing the inaugural BC tailgate for the UCLA game will be a tall task. Here are some
TOTE BAG CANDIDATES
Never mess with a judge from Corpus Christi. First to arrive, first to face plant (10 minutes later, tripping over a misplaced chair), last to leave. Age: early 70's? Arrived with a Bud in his hand, left with a heavier one. That's tailgating, folks. Most importantly, he learns from his mistakes: when I ran into him trying to find a ticket inside the fairgrounds for the TX/OU game, he had a cane with him. Bonus points: He can likely clear any speeding tickets you get on a spontaneous late night jaunt down to Padre Island.
BC Grade: A+
Or more accurately, nordberg's little bro (NLB). Certainly the highlight of the day was when NLB pitched a tent in his pants after a seemingly innocent chat with Mrs. V (no one is immune to her seemingly innocent seductions!) and next thing you know a half hour ticks by before he could get up to fetch a beer. Gillispie was visibly entertained and jealous all at once. NLB Got back on his game by slamming some free 32 oz energy drink being tossed out of the back of a pickup. Mixed it with some Deep Eddy Vodka and proceeded to slay sorority ass all day long. So nordberg tells it. Methinks he lives vicariously through his brother. Glory Days, imo.
BC Grade: A- (Docked points for not promptly dropping trow and losing virginity to UCLA co-ed. Odds are big bro won't let NLB upstage him again. I look for a HUGE game from nordberg Saturday morning, despite the early start.)
How the guy lasts a whole day keeping track of three boys under the age of 7 while seemingly having a better time than you is both unnerving and impressive. Loses points for canceling hotel and invading my house but Mrs. V is likely to blame for that convenient change of plans. Lost and regained his voice during the day no less than six times. Near-arrests: 4 (two below average)
BC Grade: B+
Minny gets instant points for managing to see above the crowd and actually find the tailgate. What he lacks in vertical prowess he makes up for in Gameday Chutzpah. I actually respect his wife even more for not shaking my hand. minny is off to the Navy and my father-in-law approves. We are donating an official BC F-18 Booster Seat on his behalf.
BC Grade: A
The Outfit. That is all. Some day you may be lucky enough to see it, pet it, and love it. The man commands your respect, even if he doesn't deserve it. One of a kind, kind to none. The General, ladies and gentleman. May some day you be so lucky ...
BC Grade: A
Despite the off-color fashion insults late in the day towards one of our preferred guests, MBV is mr. consistent when it comes to tailgating. One Bud Light magically flows intothenextbudlight (x20) and he actually starts to make more sense as the day goes on. And then the switch flips. You really don't want to be around for that ... he did break the cooler five minutes into the tailgate.
Brought up the rear strong as the light faded and Barkers swayeded, helping to float a stubborn keg. Tends to speak in tongues at times and confuse the listener with two oncoming trains of thought tied by tongues part Chinese, part Bandera, in verbal stylings spontaneously fluorescent. Where was I? Nobody rocks the prematurely grey curly locks like the Wildcatter. We went to high school together. Was he the best
private school LB in the history of high school football? Only E. Acho knows...
Rocking the Guns Up! Red / Texas Burnt Orange hybrid long-sleeve plaid in 96 degree weather -- a sacrificial fashion offering that wove heritage with respect. Trips Right approves of his El Paso upbringing. RRR is far more understandable in person than dedfischer and admittedly a closet Texas fan. What's not to like?
PERMANENTLY OUT OF TOTE BAG CONTENTION
Let's start with not attending despite living a half mile away while knowing we had his favorite beer in the world (Live Oak Hefeweizen) on tap. I blame his forthcoming marriage for the earlier than scheduled neutering. He's probably texting closetojumping as we speak about some shitty new punk rock band. Finds creative new ways to define faggotry every week.
Everyone who showed up and awkwardly muttered: Which one is Scipio? For those that don't listen to the podcasts, the truth is already out there: Scipio Tex is a squatty Asian whose brain actually protrudes out of his skull at odd angles. But that's not his only known weakness. He has librarian breath, an inconsistent limp ala Verbal Kint, an obsession with running for Senate, and a loosely tethered case of Tourette's (SKANKS!).
It's never as good as you imagine it to be. echeese was right about him all along.
But the dude sure knows his football!
BC Grade: FAIL
Anyone Else who showed up and failed to introduce themselves, or upon witnessing said carny-age mentioned above, opted for the hornfans tailgate down the block. If you tried to say hello and we were too drunk to respond, you get a flyer. Please come again on Saturday. Or the Saturday after that for Baylor -- the 6 p.m. kick should have everyone in rare form for the Baptists.
Huckleberry For failing to warn us of the impending loss. Or that Greg Davis would be on sabbatical for the first half of the season. You're supposed to know this shit, man.
BC Grade: C++
We look forward to seeing you bright and early Saturday morning. Things kick off around 8:30. No sponsors this time (try getting somebody to donate free shit for an Iowa State game) so please empty your entire liquor cabinet, rainy day funds, illegal stashes, etc and LETS DO THIS THING RIGHT. 18th & San Jacinto by the silver Airstream AKA Fake Ken's Dreamwagon. There is a rumour, sourced in the British tabloids, of a FKT appearance. Just look for the banner you know and love ...