Well. Where do we begin. Not to go all Scipio Cassandra on you, but I said in last week's viewing guide that I was terrified about playing Baylor, and that bed wetting sensation that inhabited me turned out to be well founded. After back to back home losses to football programs that are the nation equivalent of Micronesia, the ensuing rumblings over locker-room fisticuffs, whispers of outside consultants for the football team, and possible hints that the portions of our staff that aren't rotten are about to be sawed off and thrown to the dogs to protect the rancid...well...lets just say that the current blood pressure of the Longhorn fan-base is about a googol over 470.
Now, I'm not saying that I was discovered at the Barking Carnival offices naked, slathered in aged refrigerator condiments and empty post-its, giggling hysterically and dangling a knife by two fingers out the window at passersby on the street below. And I'm not implying that efforts to subdue me as if I ran from office to office turning over the furniture and screaming "SIDEWAYS" would have required stun batons and elephant tranquilizers. What I will say is that Sunday was an unpleasant experience for me. As I'm sure it was for many of you.
Also, if someone took a dump in the bottom left hand drawer of Vasherized's desk, it was probably intentional.
After Scipio and Sailor grudgingly signed the release forms for my involuntary commitment, and after a few sessions with a certified psychiatric professional, I've been working this week on soothing activities and constructive distractions from the Games That Won't Be Named. In the spirit of therapy, I figured I'd share some of these things with my fellow Horns, since it is almost certain we could all stand to enhance our calm.
- Coping Through Eating Exercise
- Bourbon Beer Not Bourbon or Beer
- Antiques Roadshow
- Cross Stitching Kittens And Panda Bears
- Flower arranging
- Angel of the Morning, by Juice Newton. On Repeat.
Play it on repeat. Because that's how I wrote this up. And let the sublime wash over you.
And anyone who has any snide remarks about this true American classic and pinnacle example of the Power Ballad risks having my fist and their teeth direct deposited to their stomach. It's today's theme for a reason.
Rutgers at South Florida (ESPN):
<guitar chords and snare drum>
And fittingly of a preview with only lead in instrumentals and no lyrics, I'm wasting only slightly more time on this preview than I will watching this game. Greg Schiano wishes that he'd left Rutgers when he had the chance, and to be perfectly honest I'd rather put out lit cigarette butts on my dick than have to write about South Florida one more time. Total time to write this preview? 29 seconds, or about half of one verse of Angel of the Morning. Total time watching this game? Fucking zero.
Georgia Tech at #22 Virginia Tech (ESPN):
<drum lead into weekend/song>
This game will get a bit more attention, since on the surface it's slightly less painful, there's a chance I'll watch it, and at least I haven't written about these two teams in awhile. Georgia Tech has pulled out the smoke and mirrors and performed a trick about on par with pulling a quarter behind a child's ear, beating up a bunch of slap-dick nobodies to get to 5-3. Oooooh, impressive. But as the groundskeepers in Major League would say, They're Still Shitty. Virginia Tech, meanwhile, opened the season shitting their pants harder than a cop child rapist about to be released into general population at Leavenworth. Then, after blowing any chance for real glory this season, they also promptly went on a string of ass-beatings against opponents that shouldn't even be fielding D-1 college teams. They're now 6-2. I'm making the wank motion so hard I think I just developed tennis elbow. Pardon me if I don't fucking just swooooon over this game. That being said, it's the Thursday night game, it might be competitive, and it will be on the TV while I'm at the bar. Bully for me, I guess.
UCF at Houston (ESPN2):
And if we're the victims of the night
Let me be perfectly clear. If you're at home on a Friday watching this game, you're clearly the victim of the night. And probably of life itself, to be completely candid. Two mediocre opponents and a game of such little import that ESPN can't even be bothered to put it on the 1 channel, and the stiffest competition it will face on Friday night is from some re-run of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Scipio watches because he admires their "chutzpah"). The only possible item of interest in this game is George O'Leary, who can retroactively give you fetal alcohol syndrome just by staring at your mother. The man is a walking, talking, open blood vessel. He came in at #4 on the College Coach Death Pool we composed last weekend. If you're enjoying this game, just remember that Camus once said that every sane man has considered suicide.
#9 Wiscy at Purdue/Minny at #14 Michigan St./#16 Iowa at Indiana (Big 10 Network):
There'll be no strings to bind your hands, not if my love can't bind your heart
Yeah, let me tell you, it will take a lot more than string, love, bribery, extortion, Magneto, or event horizon level gravity to get me to tune into any of the entries in this smorgasbord of suckitude. Someone get the Big 10 on the phone and explain to them the intricacies of conference scheduling that at least ATTEMPTS to deliver a marquee game each weekend of the season. Because I'm pretty sure I could do a better job after 3 consecutive days of breathing nothing but sharpies. Regularly, this conference creates as much intrigue as the preamble of the Constitution, but this week their outcomes are less mysterious than the first 3 words of the Pledge of Allegiance. They don't even have another game listed in any other time slot of this viewing guide, and I assure you that is based on merit. Fucking. Pathetic.
Illinois at Michigan (ESPN):
I won't beg you to stay with me
Yeah, wise decision Big 10 games. If you begged me from your hands and knees for anything, I'd laugh at you, slide on a blackjack, and then casually backhand you across you're goddamn talk-hole. I didn't group this game in with the hot mess above only because it's on ESPN, because Zook vs. Greg Robinson on D could be of mild interest, and because I couldn't fit that many games on one line. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the Big 10:
NC State at Clemson (ESPN3?):
And it won't matter anyhow
Yeah, no shit it won't matter. Did you see the slate of games the Big 10 is throwing out? This could be Ghandi vs. Henry David Thoreau in a battle for the greatest passive resistor and it will still be a more compelling contest than damn near anything else on Television Saturday morning. It wins my partial attention by default. Two teams with multiple losses, both with some talented skill players. NC State is coming off an upset of Florida State (I knew they sucked), and are looking more and more like a team to taken somewhat seriously. Like, say as seriously as you'd take South Carolina without their stud RB and WR. So, yeah. Clemson...fuck, whatever, they're 4-4. Do your own math on them.
Maryland at Miami (ESPNU):
And there's no need to take a stand
That's almost certainly what boosters and any advisers are telling Randy Shannon at this point, because that guy is SO fired. Don't even bother putting up a fight, man. Struggling with Duke, having Florida State use you as their cum sock, and then you lose to VIRGINIA! Don't let the door hit you on the way out. And if it doesn't hit you on the way out, there's going to about about 50 people lining the exit hallways doing their damnedest to trip you and give you wet willies while you're flailing on the ground. Seriously, did you see that post-game? The Virginia coach breaks down and starts bawling in the middle of a field like CloseToJumping after we banned Ed Hardy in the office dress guidelines. Then the coach has to be CARRIED off the field, like Kellen Winslow after 3 OTs, which was absurd enough. Dude, you're a fucking head coach. Even Mangino could walk off the field under his own power. Anyway, the only thing keeping Shannon employed at this point are the empty Miami coffers, because right now they looked to have regressed this season, Jacory Harris injury or no. I wouldn't be surprised to see Maryland to pull out a win here.
#21 Baylor at #17 Oklahoma St. (FSN):
Maybe the sun's light will be dim
Finally, a game worth risking the throbbing of my hangover in the early hours of game-day. Two great offenses and two sieve defenses. This has the makings of a fun game. Baylor has to feel like world-beaters after last week, and Oklahoma State continues to look like a better team than any of us expected. Holgerson (minus whatever hairpiece it was that bigfoot shat on his head) is a guy I would love to have coordinating the offense at Texas, and he seems to be getting better as he goes along this season, as does the Oklahoma State quarterback. He's a mature leader! and all that other crap we hear about every mid-20's baseball reject at QB. Whenever anyone tries to tell me that all I hear is Peppermint Patty's teacher, but he HAS improved. Meanwhile, Briles is a hell of a coach, RGIII is a hell of a QB, and both teams are angling for a shot at the Big 12 South. Should be a hell of a game. Last team with the ball wins?
Washington at #1 Oregon (ABC):
I see no need to take me home
Hmm. You don't say. I totally agree, I see no real reason to take this game home either, or tune in as it were. Oregon is a known quantity of righteous kick-ass at this point, and Washington is a mediocre opponent that now looks like their about half-way through the Sarkisian era. Seriously, those guys are 4 points away from being 1-7. Oh, and did I mention that their best player, QB Jake Locker, is not playing due to damaged ribs? It's going to be a fuckstomping. Oregon is going to put up a higher number than Doperbo's credit score. Gamblers, take Oregon minus the points, and the Over. Seriously, this game can be skipped, all the Oregon glory will be covered in the highlights.
Placed again for your convenient replay? You bet your sweet ass I did. You're welcome.
#2 TCU at #5 Utah (Versus?)
Well, it was what I wanted now
It's rare that any of us can say this about a game between two mid-majors, but this game delivers the groceries. And it's not even because we know the football will be good. To be honest, it's fair to say we don't know what to expect at all. Two well coached teams, two top 5 teams, and two teams that have a limited comparative resume. But what makes this game interesting is not just that we don't know what to expect, it's also that we rarely have a chance to see two mid-majors like this square off in a situation where they're this highly ranked. Winner could have a shot at a national title. Both undefeated. Does a win actually lower a team in the BCS because they beat their highest ranked opponent, who then plummets? Who knows. I'll be watching. Unless TCU goes up 17-0 after the first quarter. If that happens I'll throw someone else's chicken wings at the screen, point at the TV, and then use both hands to make a deafening and obnoxious farting noise.
#7 Nebraska at Iowa State (ABC):
Then slowly turn away from me
Slowly turn away my ass, I'm going to turn my head away so quickly that I will almost certainly suffer some form of whiplash, and there's an off chance I'll break the sound barrier. However, one amusing thing to consider about this game: If Nebraska rolls big (they will) then the Huskers have to look in the mirror and know that the team Iowa State raped at home beat THEM in Lincoln. The one opponent this year that a.) they couldn't humble and b.) they wanted to cornhole more than any other. Oh, and that loss is going to prevent them from going to a national title game. Husker fans, does that sting like someone jamming wasabi in your pee-hole? Camus also once said that suicide is man's way of telling god that he can't fire you, because you quit. Since we know your collective so hated Texas telling you what to do that you ran off to another conference, feel free to show up God next. Don't take any guff of that guy. Please.
What happens when I turn my head from the Evil Red Empire. Pelini brays his dismay
North Carolina at #24 Florida State (ABC):
If morning's echo says we've sinned
I can't possibly think of a more fitting lyric to describe this game, considered Florida State is most known for fielding a bunch of cheating and soulless criminals, and North Carolina is currently one of the dirtiest programs in all of college sports. It seems perfectly plausible that getting these two teams within 3 miles of each other is going to result in an alarmingly high number of knocked-down inhibitions, knocked-up co-eds, and knocked-over liquor stores. The game itself will probably be relatively pedestrian. I'll check in for the Greg Reid highlights, that's about all that's worth watching.
#6 Alabama at #10 LSU (CBS):
BAAAAAABY,just call me angel of the morning, Angel!
To be sung on your knees, with your fists thrust in front of you, full pantomime microphone action. Because anything less would be a disservice to this college football game. Two teams that have fanbases that absolutely loathe one another, one coach rolling in the other's sloppy, sex-soaked sheets, the other coach aware of the fact that if he wins out, he's probably going to get his second consecutive shot at a national title. Oh, and if Lester The Idiot doesn't win this game, the calls for his head (literally) and his job (in that precise order) will go from water-cooler talk to wheels-in-motion. Last weekend, we declared Miles as a possible candidate in the death pool by way of fan homicide. And if you don't believe me, you've never had an empty 5th of Old Grandad bounce off your head in Death Valley...after LSU scored a touchdown. Those people are crazier than a shit-house fox that ate a blotter full of sunshine acid, and I mean every one of them. They actually eat their own, and they view it as a measure of population control AND genetic breeding to cull out the sane. The irony of all of this is that they can't see why Lester Miles is the perfect coach for them. I once watched that man attempt to take a hacksaw to his ankle because he had a pebble in his shoe and his trainers had double-knotted his kicks. Fortunately, he was attempting to saw with the dull end. The game? Who gives a shit. I'll enjoy LSU's wicked good defense try and shut down Richardson and Ingram. If they manage to get loose on Greg McElroy and beat him to death with his own limbs, I'll also cheer for that. And Texas fans need LSU to win to keep that head coaching position occupied.
All your base are belong to Lester.
#8 Oklahoma at Texas aTm (FSN):
Through the tears of the day
The confusion for exactly what emotion I should feel watching this game might lead to tears. On the inside, of course. Recently, the emotion of watching Aggy v. Okie has been selected for me, in the form of Oklahoma being good and aTm receiving their inevitable and annual humiliation at the hands of the Sooners. Texas fans pretty much just shake our head, and then move on the the obvious selection of reveling in the embarrassment of our little brothers. However, aTm can score points, and Tannehill lit up the sky last week, in an impressive and un-Jerrod Johnson-like fashion. Oklahoma is unquestionably weak this year, and aTm could pose a threat, even without Christine Michael to gash through their defense. It could be an interesting matchup. I'd point out that it's at Kyle Field, but that has been about as intimidating a place to play as Royal Memorial has been in recent weeks. So there's some upset potential here. Not a lot, but some. Then again, it's Texas aTm.
Someone call PETA and the other Animal Rights Activists
#18 Arkansas at #19 South Carolina (ESPN):
It was me who chose to start
And we have these two SEC teams to start our evening. You'd think with two opponents ranked right next to each other, in the same conference, and with plenty of playmakers and NFL prospects on the field I'd be able to muster up some kind of enthusiasm for this game, but shockingly enough I'm pulling a blank. South Carolina has already blown their wad for the year, as has Arkansas, and I'm not sure just how much I care to watch Ryan Mallet kiss his bicep before each snap, only to riffle an 80 mph bullet to a RB in the flat. I mean, sure , it's funny, but we've all seen it before, about 500 times this year. Spurrier looks like he got snapped back to his putting practice self after Kentucky punched the 'Cocks in their balls. He's gone on to barely beat the Vols and Vanderbilt. And in case it isn't perfectly obvious to anyone who hasn't watched this guy steal money from South Carolina the past few years, let me share a secret with you. He's already checked out for the season, regardless of the fact that his team has a great shot to win the East. Still, uh, ranked teams and shit, SEC, pageantry of college, all that good stuff.
#12 Missouri at Texas Tech (ABC):
I'm old enough to face the dawn
Texas Tech fans need to take this advice and man up to the realization that they're simply not very good this year. On the upside, rumor is that Potts is going to be benched in favor of fan favorite Sheffield, who's the Wes Welkah of qwahtahbacks. He-ah plays with haht and grit. Anyway, Tech is having about as bad a season as Texas compared to expectations, and their defense seems to be getting worse not better under guru Tubberville. Curious. Missouri, meanwhile, is still a very good football team, but...whatever. On a slightly related note, I recently watched Winter's Bone, which is excellent, but it has me about ready to group all of Missouri with denizens of Arkansas. Anything touched by the Ozarks is a plague of incest, meth, and wolf shirts worn in a non-ironic manner. Enter at your own risk, and if you do there's a great chance you're going to be asked to prepare your anus.
#15 Arizona at #13 Stanford (ABC):
I won't be blinded by light
Both of these teams will be kicking off in daylight? I'll be honest, I'm running a little short on creativity here. Splicing random song lyrics and using them as accurate and topical game headers is a lot harder than you might imagine. Particularly for a 3500 word post and a song that has exactly 2 short verses and a chorus. NO MATTER HOW FANTASTIC THAT SONG MAY BE. But seriously, try it. Anyway, I'm interested in this game for a couple reasons. Obviously two similarly ranked teams, but more than that I haven't really had a chance to see much of Arizona this year. They've had a good season, and Stoops Minor seems primed to get an extension of some sort after a good year. Does anyone know if Nick Foles is still out? He's good. And I think my esteem for Harbaugh and Stanford has been effectively chronicled in other posts. So, give it a watch. Also, can you imagine Stoops and Harbaugh in a fist fight? Maybe we can make that happen somehow. They're both intense as fuck. Harbaugh is tough as nails. And Mikey Stoops behaves like he's more coked up than Tony Montana at the end of Scarface. That would be a battle. Quick, someone register JimHarbaugh@Gmail.Com and send Mike a letter saying he hopped on his wife after Bob was finished.
#117 Texas at Kansas State (ESPN2):
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, DAAAARLIIIIIIIIN'
This is going to be the lament of Texas fans if our head coach keeps jerking our defense around in the media, our offense continues to give new meaning to the word stagnant, and particularly if LSU loses to Alabama. Muschamp will be out that door faster than Shawn Kemp being served with new child support papers, and he'll be justified. Meanwhile, we'll be sitting around with our eyes closed, running our finger tips along our cheek, wistfully reminiscing over the days when we had a transcendent defensive coordinator and one side of the ball that could consistently wreck shop. Minus a Gideon. This game terrifies me, but not because I'm worried about this season. It is already lost. I'm scared nothing will get better and our infighting will continue to create potential rifts in our coaching staff, and we'll lose arguably one of the best coaching minds in the game. And it's at Manhattan, a place where we traditionally spread like peanut butter, and against a team that can pound us in the running game, and a coach who knows how to scheme against our weaknesses. Hold on to your butts.
Of course I had it made into a shirt. What is this, amateur hour?
These games almost got mentioned, but didn't because I ran out of song lyrics. And they're not that interesting:
Nevada at Idaho
Hawaii at #4 Boise St.
As always, calls for vital parts of my anatomy and any missed games in the comments. Also as always, wasting your time pointing out any spelling and grammar issues is like explaining to Mack Brown that Greg Davis is a worthless feeb who is bad at his job. And to anyone who didn't appreciate the glorious theme of this week's Viewing Guide, you have MagnusBleuveigner to blame. He brought this down upon all of your heads.