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The Barking Carnival Entrance Exam

Welcome to Barking Carnival, the greatest online learning institution East of Phoenix. Here you have the opportunity to increase your knowledge in not only matters of the world, but more importantly, UT football.

With the Fantake empire gaining readership by the day and preparing steadfastly for a reverse acquisition of Google, I figured we'd come up with a test to sort of vet out 'not our standard' types. Luckily, many of you will be grandfathered in. Especially srr50, who I think is an actual real life grandfather. Follow him on twitter @shitmygrandpasays.

By studying here you'll learn that lawyers have a whole lot more down time than John Grisham would have you believe and the logical reasoning about why for the most part Will Muschamp got a temporary pass for this season's misery. Longhorn football 2010 was like having to bang Kathy Bates every night for four months.

Please remember one thing: we might not be your cup of tea. In fact, we're not tea at all. We're three fingers of an 18 yr. single malt served in a smoke-filled back room by a timeless beauty who doesn't mind being patted on the ass and called 'Toots.'

So you may be wondering how one gains entry into our tight-knit community of doctors, lawyers, reverse mortgage brokers, independently wealthy heirs, Zeta cartel members, misogynists, and clergymen. I still wonder myself, since an intern is publishing this and the tote bag has yet to arrive in the mail. Just take the test below then submit your score in the comments. Who knows, you might be the next big thing on the Internet. Chip Brown 2011, imo.

Please select the most appropriate response:

1. San Franciscans Sailor Ripley and Scipio Tex are:
a. Proprietors of the best web site on the internet.
b. Recent additions to Bay Area Power Couple Monthly, nestling in at #8 right behind Tim Lincecum and his water bong.
c. Often spotted at The Presidio adorned in Aggie corp gear instructing tourists to stay off the grass.
d. The same person.
e. Don't ask, don't tell.

2. Barking Carnival is to Recruitocosm as:
a. Dina Lohan is to Lindsey Lohan
b. The Godfather is to My Blue Heaven
c. USA is to Mexico
d. Cheers is to Frasier
e. Ruth is to Gehrig

3. Below is an excerpt from the timeless classic, Twelve Hearted League:

Will poured them glasses of Doctor Pepper. Mack liked to drink the Doctor Peppers Will poured. He knew how to put the ice in so that you could drink it all day long. The ice always felt good on Mack’s teeth. Mack knew you could drink Doctor Peppers all day long. You could do it and not become a rummy.

This prose provided by parlinhall is illustrative of which 20th century icon? Here's a hint, the author lived a vibrant and earnest lifestyle.
a. Toni Morrison
b. Earnest Hemingway
c. F. Scott Fitzgerald
d. John Steinbeck

(Trips Right is exempt from the above question. I refuse to allow him to bring down the class average.)

4. The mysterious absence of HenryJames is best explained by:
a. Currently homeless, the Lonestar WIFI Card that Vasherized gave him and told him to use at the local Salvation Army shelter was a fake. Ha ha ha ha!
b. He's still getting donuts for our Iowa St. tailgate.
c. He has a case of the comedic yips similar to when (P)resident Golf Prick srr50 goes all Tin Cup.
d. He's buried amongst CTJ, Doperbo, and that brisket guy in a shallow and nameless grave.
e. He hates each and every last one of us with every fiber in his being. It's not his fault he's homeless, it's society's.

5. Bateshorn, Blueshorn, Brickhorn:
a. marry, fuck, kill
b. kill, marry, fuck
c. fuck, kill, marry

6. True or False: Conversate is a word?
a. True dat
b. False, my good man
c. Not enough information

7. Word asscociation: El Paso/Juarez
a. Above ground Miners/Below ground minors
b. Manuelito, the five legged donkey
c. Trips Right--Full time blogger, part time father
d. Kevin Berger--Full time father, part time blogger
e. All of the above

8. Sizzlechest's favorite classic book movie adaptation is:
a. Gapes of Wrath-- . o O *
b. Late Expectations--A cautionary teen pregnancy film (that promotes the use of condoms over withdrawing) that he stole from a nearby high school health class.
c. Whore and Grease--Samantha Ryan and Tommy Salami remake the 70's classic with heavy emphasis on 'Summer Lovin.'

Train A leaves a station in Norman, Oklahoma at 7 a.m and is travelling 57 mph. In order to make the 365 mile trek to Austin before noon the conductor will increase the speed by 5 mph every 30 minutes.

Train B leaves College Station, Texas, at 9 a.m with the same goal in mind. Since the distance is only 110 miles the conductor feels no need to rush things. Starting off at 32 mph and increasing speed at half the rate of Train A will also allow for a pre noon arrival.

Assuming Train A isn't held up at arrowpoint, and that Train B doesn't get sidetracked at a Waco Luby's, what time will the trains arrive in Austin?Answers:
1) a.
2) e.
3) b.
4) e.
5) b or c. Brickhorn is a lawyer.
6) c, not enough information. Situational awareness allows for both usages. For exapmple: If given the opportunity to chase dirt leg with the football team, never out yourself as a white person by saying 'converse.' Conversely, unless one is trying to land a job in the rap industry, steer clear of 'conversate,' despite what parlin tells you.
7) e.
8) a. Though his ownership of 'b' is quite disturbing.
9) d. Unless Hucklberry states otherwise.
So how did you score? Written essays accepted below for those mystified by multiple choice tests. Once we get DJ Monroe's test back, we'll set the curve. Highest score wins a Greg-Davis signed Tote Bag.