The University of Texas at Austin Job Posting
Job title Defensive Coordinator (Assistant Coach);
Grand Poobah of Resistance; Estimable Vizier of Allah's Just Will Against Crusader Predation; Gridiron Diaphragm Engineer
FLSA status Tough but fair.
Posting number 867-5-309
Job status Open. (wink, wink - hi Randy!)
Date available 12/18/2010
Position duration 1-2 years when we do this all over again
Position open to all applicants whose name rhymes with Candy Cannon, Sandy Bannon, or Randi Shannyn
Monthly salary EGREGIOUSLY LARGE
Hours per week 10-90
Location Austin (main campus; Kappa Crush Party; Applebees 2 for $20 nights)
Hiring department Intercol Athletics
Number of vacancies 0. This is just a procedural formality.
General notes Additional hours will be required during peak periods to include evenings, weekends, and holidays. We will not honor your shabbos requests, Jews. Let's not pull any Sandy Koufax bullshit. Interstate and intrastate travel is required to include overnight stays unless you rely almost entirely on whatever camp attendees show up so you can offer them scholarships as high school sophomores.
Required Application Materials
Arc of the Covenant.
Purpose of position Coordinate the defense of once-proud program struggling for relevance as emotionally needy head coach plays out excruciating personal struggle for fan affection on national stage
Essential functions Coach student-athletes in the sport of football. Teach young men to smile with their eyes. Must be able to impart out-of-touch golf wisdom to young African-American males. Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds' worth of distance run. Must agree to start a Caucasian in the defensive backfield. Sound knowledge of geometry to be imparted to safeties. Manage the defense against the run and the pass and 22 Skidoo, which can be both. Do not shit the bed, in general. Create and maintain the defense play book and drive chart. Then bind it in rich leather and place it in a tastefully appointed reading room. Manage the practice organization including practice videos. Maintain Mack Brown's Netflix queue (Dunston Checks In, a particular favorite). Maintain the defense press box organization, scouting report, pregame field organization, and defense cut ups. Must know what a defense cut up is. We think it's a defensive player who kids around a lot and always actin' a fool.
Must be willing to bolo punch Greg Davis in the throat if you see him sneaking in the press box. Recruit student-athletes to participate in the sport of football. Evaluate all defense recruits based on skill, ability, and desire, but be willing to scrap it when head coach offers someone else due to firm handshake. Evaluate recruits in the central Texas region, specifically those regions where recruits will sign with little fuss and won't make you burn calories. Represent the Athletics Department and UT Austin at various alumni, donor, and departmental functions/events such as a Jim Tressel Celebrity Roast. Be willing to quote prominent alumni donors in press conferences as if they know anything about football, sucking up to them in embarrassing fashion. Perform other related functions as may be assigned by the Head Football Coach like wrestling Bill Little at the Christmas Party in a child's wading pool filled with Crisco.
Required qualifications Bachelor's degree, preferably PE from a directional school. Minimum 2.0 GPA. Successful experience as an assistant football coach at an elite level. Experience coaching in the NFL (except for Buffalo, Cleveland, Canadian Football).
Must not ever do air quotes with fingers.
Cannot have ironic beard.
Should dislike Nora Ephron romantic comedies.
Ability to project the image of the University of Texas and the UT Men's Athletics Department with dignity and grace regardless of circumstances and environments such as finding yourself in an underground snuff club of prominent alumni and you see a Thai lady-boy being suffocated with a throw pillow while they chant,"Machine, Ma-chine, MACHINE!" Excellent interpersonal and communication skills. Professional demeanor. Not like that rummy Holgorsen. If black, candidate's demeanor should resemble Arthur Ashe and a young Danny Glover before he got so angry and political.
Preferred qualifications Must have coached as many years as Randy Shannon did in the NFL and college. Must have been recently relieved of head coaching job for tepid on-field results while cleaning up thug image of prominent rapper-beloved University. Experience using "computer" and "the e-mail." Can use "teh Googlez." Demonstrated high ethical standards in all aspects of professional career unless we need to go street agent route out of frustration.
Working conditions Uniforms and/or personal protection equipment (furnished). May work in all weather conditions, but mostly heat and humidity where you sweat so much from your ass that your Dockers become as moist as a catamite's bottom. May work in extreme temperatures, particularly in Joe Jamail's wife's kiln. Repetitive use of a keyboard at a workstation banged against your head when head coach makes you start marginal senior over talented sophomore. Use of manual dexterity. Like jerking off the press. Climbing of stairs. Climbing of ladders. Climbing of beanstalk. Lifting and moving. Moving and groovin'. Kicking it. Just chilling. Getting your head space together. Exploring the space with a cowbell. Breaking the fourth wall like a Woody Allen movie.
Exposure to large crowds booing you incessantly; weekend, evening and holiday work unless we go 5-7 again and miss a bowl game. Must enjoy meddling, second-guessing, and unreasonable fan base that will blame defense for giving up 14 points after a pick 6 and a punt return TD.
The retirement plan for this position is Teacher Retirement System of Texas (TRS) in addition to vastly inflated wages, a free luxury car, every meal and incidental expensed and a massive pension.
The University of Texas at Austin is an Equal Opportunity/Affirmative Action Employer and we had pictures taken with Obama to prove it! All qualified applicants will receive consideration for employment without regard to race - unless you're one of the dangerous ones; color - unless albino; religion - except funny ones where the gods are a man with an elephant head; sex - yes, please! ha ha ha ha!; national origin - no Belgians, what you people did in the Congo is unforgivable; disability - unless it's really distracting; age - we love old guys!; citizenship status - que?, Vietnam era veteran's status - would have preferred a win there, fellas; or sexual orientation (must be a power top with bear tendencies).
Under Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act and the Americans with Disabilities Act, disability accommodations will be provided, as needed, but it would be cool if you got out of your wheelchair before a big game to rally the team, even if your spine is shattered. We're just saying. Everyone would be super-inspired and we'd win.