Titillated. Titillated is such a fantastic word. And not just because it brings to mind the glory that is rounded mammaries. Well, not in total.
Additionally it's because it's a great word, with a nice flow, a decent amount of letters, and a very respectable number of syllables. It rolls off the tongue like my saliva when staring at pictures of Blake Lively's chest (you know, just to stay on theme here). And sadly, it and it's derivatives/offshoots are woefully underused in common conversation and writing. Fortunately for me, it was the perfect word for describing how I expected to feel when writing this bowl guide.
The idea of actually writing previews for games that weren't predictable and against traditional opponents was Titillating. The concept that I'd be able to run through a slate of games matching up the best the college football world had to offer, had me Titillated. And then I looked at the actual games in said matchups and realized that the Tits of the games in question looked like something you'd see in the Monsters From Dark Africa tent in the back corner of 3 penny traveling carnival. The sum total of these games couldn't get me from 6 to 12 with a fistful of Viagra. They suck more than women who blow up after marriage.
Note: Bowl Games In Mirror Are Crappier Than They Appear. Unlike Blake.
It's like a perverted version of a bowl game bait and switch. And then to throw a drum of jet fuel on the fire, we get to mix in the landfill conflagration that is the Longhorn football program. But we'll address that in detail in second. As for the games, no, I'm not going to go through EVERY game because some of these matchups should be taken out into the woods and drowned like the female infants in rural Chinese villages. And hell, some of the ones I do "preview" are simply going to get a picture and a tagline. And you'll LIKE IT. It's bad enough that the laughably embarrassing names of some of these bowls are funnier than any punchline I can concoct, so I'm not going to spend 10k words trying.
All times in central, because I'm all about Me. Bonus game, over under on the number of times I resisted the urge to label these games "Bowel" instead of "Bowl." Answers in the comments, winner gets Sailor Ripley's black book of Thai Lady Boys operating out of San Francisco currently. Fear not, rumor is he keeps that thing scathingly up to date.
From Time Immemorial to The Infinity of the Future
Futility Bowl
Mack Brown vs. The Longhorn Fanbase
Mack Brown vs. The Longhorn Program
Mack Brown vs. Common Sense
Mack Brown vs. Himself - Ever-present (Our Hearts And Minds/The Internet):
I'd love to drop some kind of platitude or silver lining about this situation, but the best I can really come up with is "At Least Things Are Interesting," and lets face it, that is a lame attempt at rationalization that is uttered with a high pitched titter of false laughter and several beads of sweat as we all attempt to hold our sanity together. Like "Haha, I'm just glad she's happy" in regards to an ex-wife or girlfriend, or "Haha, I just got a little excited" if you're Bo Pelini talking about the moistness in his khakis. It's taken a lot to turn the joy of Greg Davis being departed into abject misery, but the loss of Muschamp and the rumors of our apparently tepid search for replacements have done just that. Norm Chow would be the ultimate Mack Brown comfort hire, an aged old man looking for a paycheck that won't challenge anyone or behave threateningly.
This Austin character might be good, but it's going to take a year or two of greatness to rub off the stigma of his own hiring at Florida and being the scraps that Muschamp threw out like spoiled food. If it does turn out to be Chow (particularly over Applewhite) and this Austin guy, we've assembled an excellent staff of non-threatening Yes Men for Mack, and I predict our lazy and entitled coaching behavior will continue, especially since you have to guess Mack views the Muschamp situation as the ultimate proof that going outside of his comfort zone leads to devastating consequences. And if that's the case, well, maybe our best course of action as fans is to continue to heap fuel onto this conflagration until it implodes completely, and we can start afresh in a couple years. HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!
editor's note: I wrote this segment mid-last week, so, uh, candidates are a bit dated.
Saturday December 18th
All Games On Saturday (ESPN):
In a recently fabricated study by the New England Journal of Medicine, research has indicated the possibility that getting crushed repeatedly in the balls by NFL punters wearing steel-toed boots can in fact, eventually, create a feeling of euphoria and ecstasy. Like those waterhead crackpots who chew a mouthful of ghost peppers and talk about how it gives them some kind of High, just as soon as they finish twitching and drooling uncontrollably from the mouth and nose. Well, I'm here to tell you that subjecting yourself to both of those activities at the same time would still be considerably less painful and traumatic than watching any of these shitpile games on Saturday. This isn't opening day, people, where the very idea of a pig's trough of slop masquerading as football is enough to get our attention after the desert of the off-season. This is Bowl Season. We can afford to Cherry Pick. And my advice to you is to ignore this crapfest as if it were alimony payments or Huckleberry when he pulls out his calculator. Which is why I had exactly zero sense of urgency in getting this guide out before the games last weekend.
Saturday's Games: Female Representation Accurate
Tuesday December 21st
Beef O' Brady's St. Petersburg
Southern Miss. vs. Louisville - 7 pm (ESPN):
Beef O' Brady? Listen, I don't even know what the fuck that is, and to be perfectly honest, I have no desire to find out. Making a mockery of the escalating ridiculousness of bowl sponsorships has been a fun and ongoing activity for several years now, but Holy Shit this is ridiculous. I don't even care if Beef O' Brady is some kind of advanced fellowship for the cure of childhood cancer, this game is an affront to nature and the deity of your choice. The game? Whatever, two mediocre opponents. Louisville finished the season stronger than they started it. Southern Mississippi is the school Bobby Collins came from to coach SMU in the Pony Express days (so says 30 for 30). Whatever. If Charlie Strong never leaves to coach Louisville, Muschamp is still at Texas and we're hiring a kick-ass OC. Go Southern Miss.
Wednesday December 22nd
MAACO Las Vegas
Utah vs. Boise St. - 7 pm (ESPN):
And here we have our first decent game of the bowl season. Some of the luster certainly came off Utah late into the season, but they're still a young team and especially well-coached with a month to prepare. Meanwhile, Boise St. might very well feel like there's no further point in trying since they were BCS or bust and Nevada tied their shoelaces together right down the home stretch. So the singular motivation of each team could end up making a big difference here. That being said, I'd look for Boise State to end up rolling fairly big in this one. But it should be an interesting enough game to watch. And if you're that kind of masochistic Texas fan, you can watch and think you're looking at our new offensive coordinator. Or the offense we might have had next year. Whatever, plenty of pain to go around.
Friday December 24th
Sheraton Hawaii
Hawaii vs Tulsa - 7 pm (ESPN):
Hooray, a game between two also ran/never was/never will be teams. If you're a fan of games that might end 48-42 without any attempt to even half-heartedly scheme defensively, this is the game for you! Meh. This may be the game for you, but it bores the ever-loving Christ out of me. It'll be like watching a 3 hour game of 1 on 1 between Vince Carter and his clone if both had sprained ankles. Hell, it might as well be a televised game of Horse. Last team with the ball wins. I dislocate my jaw from systemic game induced yawning.
Monday December 27th
AdvoCare V1000 Independence
Air Force vs. Georgia Tech - 4 pm (ESPN):
Advocare V1000? This game sounds like some kind of turbo laxative for octogenarians with an impacted lower intestine (note I didn't say Bowel). On the surface, this game might look like the opposite of the one I just previewed in Hawaii, but just because both of these knuckleheads play the relic known as triple option football doesn't necessarily mean that they won't score points. On the surface, it's kind of a fun tilt because these offenses have become endangered, and the fact that they are going to face off with one another does provide some sense of novelty. Of course, technically, Texas actually MAKING coaching hires would also be novel, so lets try to keep a bit of perspective here. Is that Nesbitt kid still the QB at Georgia Tech? Ok, we’ll go with them. But nothing can AdvoCate my Caring about this game.
Tuesday December 28th
Champs Sports
West Virginia vs. NC State - 5:30 (ESPN):
I’m going to run out of ways to express being underwhelmed long before I can finish this viewing guide, I can absolutely tell. I stopped giving a crap about Tom O’Brien’s team right about the same time they stopped giving a crap about fighting to win games on the field, which is to say about 5 or 6 weeks ago, at least. There’s some increased interest in West Virginia now that they’d hired Skulletor and offensive baller Dana Holgerson to be their OC and HCIW. Note the specific time-line already in place between Holgerson’s hiring and when he’ll take up the mantle as the big enchilada. Hmm. MackBrownYou’reDoingItWrong. Wait. Did it wrong. Yeah. Anyway, it will be fun to see what kind of input Dana Holgerson can bring to WVU with a month of bowl practices and a Noel Devine to play with on the field. So tune in? Listen people, I’m reaching here. Fortunately the matchups get better as we go along. Ish.
Holgerson took himself out of the Texas OC running with this picture
Insight
Missouri vs. Iowa - 9 pm (ESPN):
I’m writing this entry from a seat on an airplane, and the 4 rows ahead of me just turned around because I instinctively placed both of my palms to my mouth and did a solid 15 second wet fart noise. And this is one of the more respectable games we’re going to take a gander at in this guide. I could sit here and talk to you about how Iowa was one of the top teams in the Big 10 this year, and were consistently good all season. I could take the time to illustrate to you the greatness that is Blane Gabbart’s arm when he’s not too busy doing his best Ryan Mallet impersonation. But when it comes down to it, it’s just two decent but not great teams with practically the same ass color scheme from the same middle area of America that no one gives two shits about. I’d rather be forcibly restrained and have Maya Angelou verse tattooed on my person than say nice things about the #4 team in the Big 10, and a team that got played by said Big 10 to land Nebraska. Insanity Wolf, how would being the sloppy sixths to the Big 10 make you feel?
Whoa Whoa Whoa! It's the Big 10. It's not worth it, man!
Wednesday December 29th
Texas
Illinois vs. Baylor - 5 pm (ESPN):
Ron Zook is so retarded that he has to receive 3rd party instructions on how to perform basic life functions that are instinctive in most human beings. Things like breathing, sleeping, and chewing one's food require Zook to consult with a laminated instruction sheet crudely illustrated with crayoned stick figures. And if you're that stupid, what does that make the Illinois brain-trust that managed to get out-negotiated on Zook's contract to the point that he's too expensive to fire? Can you imagine how that meeting went down? I imagine Zook attempting to open the door to the AD's office, but instead of trying the knob he just butts into the door with his forehead repeatedly, spinning around in a 360 after each instance of contact in a perpetual loop until someone on the other side opens the door and that ape simply falls through the now open portal. They say that teams take on the personality of their coach for a reason, folks.
Permission to piss, boss?
Valero Alamo
Oklahoma State vs. Arizona - 8:15 (ESPN):
Biggity boom, now we’re fishing with dynamite. Sure, Arizona did their best impersonation of a fat guy being thrown out of an airplane sans chute to end the season, but they’ve still got a decent enough offense despite being coached by one of the Stoops Clan. Oklahoma State, meanwhile, was one of the most fun offenses to watch this entire year, right up until the point Oklahoma Pelini-slapped them in their face and reminded them of their place in the pecking order. I doubt I’m the only person with the perception that the only thing propping up the entire Oklahoma State team was the genius of Holgerson’s play-calling and scheming, combined with errant static electricity from his thin but perceptibly knappy mane. So seeing how they perform without their rumpled wizard should be fun. I wouldn’t be surprised if they come out and score a 6 spot off some field goals and then slink back to Stoolwater for the winter hibernation. Although that being said, this should be a decent game with two offenses that can score points. If Arizona lays an egg, we might finally start to hear rumbles for Mikey Mike’s head. At the very least we’ll get to see him collapse to the ground to do medicinal lines off the first down markers and then dig at the turf like a rabid dog.
Pelini-slap, illustrated. Best. LSUFreek. Evar.
Thursday December 30th
Franklin American Mortgage Music City
North Carolina vs. Tennessee - 5:40 (ESPN):
Franklin American Mortgage has to feel like they’re getting screwed on this one. Two big names with about as much sex appeal this year as watching a naked and naughty Mo’Nique tilt her gunt up to drink melted butter out of her own navel. I really want to post that LSUFreek gif again of Saban giving Dooley the finger, because it's awesome and I'm a benevolent enough ruler not to subject my people to pictures of Mo'Nique.
It's LSUFreek Day. Best Part? The way he looks at his hand and entices Dooley.
Bridgepoint Education Holiday
Nebraska vs. Washington - 9 pm (ESPN):
What the damn is Bridgepoint Education? When a member of your most dedicated demographic (college football fans) can’t even be bothered to google what the hell you are out of general spite of your sponsorship, maybe you should reconsider how you’re spending your marketing dollars for brand awareness, eh Bridgepoint? Washington’s been less than an afterthought all season, and there’s absolutely zero reason to sit here and think they’re going to put up something noteworthy in their bowl game. Even if a bowl slot is a marked sign of improvement for the program. At the same time, Peilini has spent the last month attempting to outdo Mike Stoops in the Choking-While-Being-Pistol-Whipped dance of drain circling. And while the vicious cynic in me would love to see that trend continue until Captain Excitable graduates to leaking urine through his eyeballs, chances are Nebraska will have their act together and beat Washington like they owed them money. Whatevs. I’m done with the whole urine thing. It's childish, and a cheap form of humor, and I'm a mature adult and above that kind of thing. I've moved on. Now I want to see if Taylor Martinez can get Pelini to deuce his pants on national television the next time he refuses to take the needle at halftime after an injury. That’s, ladies and gentlemen, is not immature. That is performance art.
Friday December 31st
Meineke Car Care
South Florida vs. Clemson - 11 am (ESPN):
Kismet. The two fucking teams I got tired of writing about more than an 5 other combined square off together in a bowl game. Vegas handicaps the odds of me giving this game a legitimate preview as just greater than the odds of me castrating myself with a rusty pair of dull scissors and then throwing my balls into a tank of piranhas. Insanity Wolf, give me your 2 part take on this matchup.
Sage insight. Both teams deserve to be lobotomized AND it's a merciful alternative for viewers.
Solid advice. We'll need to wash out the bad taste of this game with an amusing distraction.
Hyundai Sun
Notre Dame vs. Miami - 1 pm (CBS):
This game would be the absolute Tits and every variation of the word therof…if this were 1992. But it’s not. Is Al Golden around to start coaching yet? That could make this interesting. You know you’re fucked as a college football viewer when the appeal in half the damn bowl mathcups is watching to see what new coaches do with existing talent after a month of practice. The only thing more painful than that is attempting to write about it, trust me. I like Al Golden. I hate Brian Kelly. That fat hideous piece of pomposity plays it fast and loose with his equipment trainers and team photographers, and that kind of lackadaisical approach to leadership doesn’t sit well with me. Miami started the year off good, and finished it pissing away games victories like a scorned wife driving up credit card charges before a divorce. About the only piece of intrigue this game offers is that it seems evenly matched, and no one really knows what to expect from either side. So, uh, cheers to ambiguity, I guess.
Chick-Fil-A
South Carolina vs. Florida St. - 6:30 (ESPN):
I remember the halcyon days when the Chik-Fil-A Bowl was the most embarrassingly named bowl that any of us had ever heard of in our lives. Holy crap, that sounds so crappy and terrible, we all thought. The damn thing upon it’s inception was more embarrassing than grown men weeping in the theaters during a viewing of Valentine’s Day. And now it’s one of the more distinguished and reserved bowl sponsorships out there. Do we think maybe there’s a message here about the state of America and her citizens? Almost certainly, but I’ll let Scipio put in his Liberal Hat and Nancy Pelosi sash and lecture you folks on that one. The game, you ask? I’m sure some negligently enterprising studio personality is going to attempt to connect the dots between Steve Spurrier from his time at Florida and his arch-nemesii, the Florida State Seminoles. I bet it will bring back memories for old Steve, and he’s going to be really engaged to win this game! Or not. We all know he checked out of this season months ago and couldn’t give less of a crap about this game. Jimbo Fisher, meanwhile, seems to be making feast out of least in regards to his emancipation from his own glacial HCIW period, and Florida State seems to be looking at a return to prominence. They’re recruiting lights out, and they’ve improved consistently as the season has worn along. Parting shot? f Mark Stoops. f All Stoopsii.
Saturday January 1st
Outback
Florida vs. Penn State - Noon - (ABC):
Oh look, yet another game where half the interest is watching a new coach take the reigns at historically great program. Oh, look, yet another game with tendrils of What Could Have Been in regards to Texas fans. It’s a double whammy of suck. I spent 5 minutes calming myself down and extinguishing a very strong desire to bellow Jihad at the top of my lungs, sprint towards the cockpit screaming that I have a bomb strapped to my taint, and hurl myself bodily at the sky marshal that I know is sitting somewhere on this plane. Suicide by Faux Terrorism seems like a humane way to shuffle loose this mortal coil as opposed to the almost certain 3 hour slow burning heart attack this game is going to present for me. But I mean, of course I’ll watch the game. Because this is 2010, and being a Texas fan means embracing the fiery sensation normally reserved for venereal diseases. As a preamble up until game time I’ve planned a pre-kickoff activity list of shoving bamboo rods under all of my nails, followed by an artistic re-enactment of Van Gogh’s ear liberation and cauterization, and capped off by sicking Insanity Wolf on my person for 5 minutes after lathering my body in concentrated sadness and bacon grease. No, I’m not talking about the game itself. Insanity?
Festive Insanity Wolf is somehow even more ominous.
Note to the commenters: Yes I'm aware Urban is still coaching the bowl game.
Capital One
Alabama vs. Michigan St. - Noon (ESPN):
Much like the Millenium Falcon, she may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid. The initial discounting of a Michigan St. team is understandable, and to be expected given their historical penchant for blowing games like they were the ambitions of an 18 year old on a casting couch at the AVN convention. However, this year is different. This year the Spartans are a respectable dame that doesn’t give it up until at least 3 dates, 2 of which were dinners at a nice restaurant. Then again, they’re still a Big 10 team so their idea of a nice restaurant is probably the Applebee’s 2 for $20 promotion (a favorite of Vasherized’s), so proceed with SOME healthy caution. But this game looks like it could be good. Both teams pound the ball, and both teams play some facsimile of defense (Alabama plays defense flat out). We could be in store for an old school smash-mouth football game here. Or an Alabama blowout. But since I’m always an optimist who looks on the bright side of everything, I think we’ve got a decent game here.
Progressive Gator Bowl
Mississippi St. vs. Michigan - 12:30 (ESPN2):
Am I the only person who reads the title above and has the initial thought of "What’s a Progressive Gator?" I can tell you what is NOT progressive, and that’s the head coach of a flagship football program forcing his players to hold hands at the team banquet, make them sing hymns and quote bible verses, only to break down and bawl at the podium like a child who just got told in one sitting that Santa Claus is fake, they’re adopted, and their parents are getting a divorce. And I don’t care how many times Scipio tells us in the break-room that being a sensitive male who cries and is in touch with his feelings is truly progressive, I still say it’s just progressively retarded. If this were Lethal Weapon, Scipio would be an 80’s man. What does this mean? It means that the clock on Rich Rod’s employment is ticking louder than the one in the gator’s belly chasing after Captain Hook, which is apt considering the bowl game in question. Nice knowing you Rich, I hear there’s about to be an offensive coordinator position open at Texas. Look us up. The matchup? Dan Mullen is for realz and he’s going to pound the Wolverines the way women often tell me to pound sand.
Rich Rod's idea of decorum, learned from Magnusblueveiner
Rose Bowl Presented by VIZIO
Wisconsin vs. TCU - 4 pm (ABC):
Oh look, we’ve finally made it to the BCS games. TCU gets to stand at attention and see if they can deliver another crowbar to the head of the cracking BCS system, following up their dismantling of Alabama a couple years ago. Wisconsin is a very highly thought of team this season, and some asshats in the media were still lobbying for them to get a shot at the national title instead of Oregon. So a 1 loss team, clicking on all cylinders and who have made a point of shoving their foot sideways into most of their opponents this season getting brained by a Mid Major TCU could be a damn entertaining commodity for all of us fans. Of course, TCU isn’t going to be a mid major that much longer anyway, at least not in title. But anyone telling me the Big East is a legitimate football conference should know in advance that they fully deserved the Ric Flair thumb I just inserted into their eyeball. I’d love to tell you that Texas is watching the handiwork of our new offensive coordinating team in Wisconsin, but I mean, lets not fool ourselves, right? All of this being said, Wisconsin is heavily favored for a reason, and they’ll likely win this game pretty handily.
Tostitos Fiesta
Connecticut vs. Oklahoma - 7:30 pm (ESPN):
Well, look at this barftastic piece of whale rot we’ve got going on here. If making fun of the increasing faceplam that is bowl game sponsorship is ongoing guilty pleasure number one, then guilty pleasure Prime has to be watching to see if Bob Stoops continues to conjure up almost mathematically impossible abilities to lay eggs against inferior opponents in BCS bowl games. Connecticut represents a new low, and those were already some pretty low bars we are talking about. I mean bars that could have been hopped over by a one legged toddler kind of low. Seriously, Uconn is absolutely terrible. If they were a fast food franchise, they’d be a Jack In The Box that failed their health food inspection 3 times running. I don’t even think the sucking power of Bob Stoops can overcome this weak of an opponent in a BCS game, as was brought to my attention earlier by srr50. Look for Oklahoma to win big, and somehow manage to continue dotting the basic I’s that Texas just can’t seem to wrap their head around. But on the bright side we get to see Bob Stoops somehow manufacture a temper tantrum and sling his headset, a gatorade drum, and one of the smaller female trainers on staff directly at the head ref at midfield, all because his team just went up by 30.
Monday January 3rd
Discover Orange
Stanford vs. Virginia Tech - 7:30 (ESPN):
So, uh, I was working this week and I had College Football Final or some such insipid programming on in the background, and I think it was Mel Kiper and Todd McShay who were espousing the under-appreciated glory, workmanship, and overall success of Tyrod Taylor at quarterback this season. He manages the games. He makes plays with his feet. And he should have a shot as an NFL Quarterback, says McShay. Sure, he meant in a Matt Flynn fashion, but that’s still horrifyingly inexcusable. I’m 100% positive that when he heard this, Andrew Luck guffawed so loudly that it registered on the Richter scale as at least a 4. This is the same Tyrod Taylor who’s been QB for Virginia Tech now for going on 7 seasons, and who long mastered the Landry Jones scramble and throw 15 years out of bounds past an open receiver before Landry Jones ever grew his first face pube, right? The same guy who found a way to lose a game this season to James Madison? I don’t care if this guy won the rest of his games, and I don’t care if he won the rest of his games by throwing for 4000 yards, running for another 1500, while committing zero turnovers, he is a sucky quarterback and isn’t even the same league as Andrew Luck’s soiled jock when we’re comparing potential NFL ability. Stanford and Harbaugh are going to roll bigtime. They’d win even if that Alien unwound itself from Beamer’s neck, sped across the field and dissolved Luck’s entire face.
Tuesday January 4th
Allstate Sugar
Ohio St. vs. Arkansas - 7:30 (ESPN):
Hmm. Do my eyes betray me? Have my faculties rocketed entirely from my ears faster than Lindsey Lohan’s dignity shot from between her legs? Is this a game with a Big 10 participant that I actually find intriguing? Probably not, but follow my logic here, folks. Ohio State and the Tressel have mastered the art of the bore. They’re conservative for conservative’s sake, and the only time they ever let their balls hang out is when pummelling 4th rate teams like Marshall. We all know this as surely as we know that 2 +2 = 4, smoking leads to cancer, black people like purple drank, and HenryJames has the largest catalog of tentacle porn on the continent. Which he keeps stored in conference room #3 (Scipio insists we call it the Judicious Conference, along with it’s mates the Penultimate Conference and the Manifest Destiny Conference) But hidden beneath that reputation for offensive fireworks and TurboMallet, Bobby Petrino has shown an almost prodigious ability to be conservative himself. At least twice this year he has gutlessly sat on his hands and almost bumbled away victories with his castrated 4th quarter play-calling, and Alabama actually did come back to bite them in the ass. Could a bowl pairing with Herr Tressel and his German worldview be enough to morph Petrino completely into Nancezilla, that nanciest coach that was ever created at the hands of flawed nuclear testing? Maybe folks. Maybe. Although the more likely outcome here is that Petrino will don the mantle of the SEC and do what all SEC teams do to Big 10 teams, namely fuck them stupid, beat them silly, and then brand their exposed ass cheek with the seal of victory.
Petrino at his most aggressive this season
Friday January 7th
AT&T Cotton
LSU vs. Texas A&M - 7 pm (FOX):
Is nothing sacred in this world? George Lucas seems to be hellbent on ruining everything great that he's ever had a hand in creating. Nikki Cox and Tara Reid seemed motivated to tinker with what at one time were grade A prime pieces of ass and now have an unfortunate kinship with the carbon based leftovers Jack the Ripper left rotting in the humid alleys of Victorian Era London. Oh, and now the Cotton Bowl has moved from New Years Day to January 7th? Next you're going to tell me that Texas A&M has put together a great season on the gridiron...shit. Tricky Aggsy has indeed put together a great year, and their reward is a return to trip to the very same Cotton Bowl that arguably saw Tennessee pull Franchione's scrotum over his head and eyeballs and kick him down a flight of stairs, starting the era of Aggy mediocrity that they're just now in a position to remedy. So, do we think that we're going to get a Cotton Bowl repeat of the SEC crane kicking aTm in the throat? Or will aTm take care of business and announce their returned presence with authority, similar to the fashion that Trips announces his presence at Sunday mass by grabbing his crotch with both hands and screaming Holiest of Holies before he genuflects outside the pews. One thing is for damn sure, and that's that Les Miles is about as gentle as Phil Fulmer is svelte. On his days off from coaching, he puts on a white lab coat and moonlights as a proctologist at local homeless shelters and bus stations in downtown New Orleans. But instead of his jellied up hands, he shoves his entire head up transient butt while mangling the quote from Tommy Boy about taking the butcher at his word. Sometimes he even has the foresight to throw on some goggles and a snorkel. But not always. And that's somewhat exactly what I expect from this game, a complete and horrid violation of humanity that will somehow manage to illuminate both teams as justified objects of humiliation and ridicule. This game is huge for A&M, as it will be a direct measuring stick in regards to how far the Aggies have come and how they compare to regional power LSU in the hearts and minds to Texas recruits. A victory here could set their program up for success for years to come. Another blowout loss could undue all of the positive momentum and progress they've created this season. On the LSU side, a blowout victory might finally be just enough to grudgingly silence grumbling LSU fans and boosters for an entire calender year in regards to their distaste for Lester. A loss might cement his ass to the hot seat until he eventually catches fire and immolates to dust. The winner? All of us as fans. But only if LSU wins big. As Texas fans, we need this now, more than ever.
Monday January 10th
Tostitos BCS National Championship Game
Oregon vs. Auburn - 7:30 (ESPN):
I'm mildly torn about this game. On the surface, we've finally got a national championship game that everyone is excited to view. Two great teams who have shown to be head and shoulders above everyone else this season, both in blowout victories and nail biting survival fashion from week to week. Additionally, we've got the two most creative and explosive offenses in all of college football this season. Both are led my wicked offensive minds. Both teams have stars at the skill positions, and Auburn has the unquestioned best player in college football this season taking the snaps behind center. On top of all that, we as fans get to enjoy a championship game between two teams that haven't been considered traditional powers in recent years. Neither of these entries are mainstays like a USC, Florida, Ohio State, or Alabama, all teams we've been forcibly beaten over the head and shoulders with in recent seasons. It's truly a refreshing and competitive championship game on all fronts, the kind that we can really embrace as fans. So what's the drawback? Ethics. The unholy truth is that these are the two dirtiest programs in college football at the moment, with the Newton family channeling the Joker and sliding down a mountain of cash and cackling maniacally as they set it aflame with a book of matches they picked up at the offices of the NCAA Compliance committee. Oregon, meanwhile, has employed the full-time services of one William Lyles, who has been seen in recent weeks dressed in nothing but full body custom made green velvet Oregon green leisure suits, along with the Duck mascot headgear which he repossessed from Lee Corso after knee-capping him and swiping his medication. Apparently after the cash cow in USC dried up, Willie headed a bit north to continue his career as the equivalent of a modern-day slave broker where he can somewhat hide behind the aegis of Nike money. But I mean, outside of the whole overwhelming stench of cheating and moral degradation, this is a great national title game. Auburn seems to be considered the heavy favorite, which I'm not really buying as absolutely as the odds-makers and pseudo-pundits seem to be insisting. Furthermore, I think the last thing we can all reasonably agree on is that we don't need the SEC winning yet another national championship game. So get your Ducks up, everyone, and enjoy this national title bout. On the surface it seems like a great final tilt to sustain us through the 9th circle of hell that is the off-season.
As always, apologies in advance for my grammar, spelling, and my heroin like addiction to run-on sentences and stream of thought writing. Any games I missed? Calls for my head in the comments, as always. Enjoy the off-season...if that's at all remotely possible.