Earlier today, the President of the United States launched a devastating broadside against Barking Carnival. His words cut to the quick and we're all still a bit shaken. Although our President did not name names, it's clear enough that we were the target.
I must break you
DEVASTATING REBUKE FOLLOWS:
"We're not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers," the president said.
I've read that statement a dozen times and every time I feel like I've had a small stroke. Like a dog paddle of a stroke. There is a predator drone disguised as a pigeon circling my neighborhood.
Perhaps he means some other carnival barkers, you remark, blithely.
Really? Read on:
He declared, "We do not have time for this kind of silliness."
He means this sort of silliness" alt="" />
Most carnival barkers are not silly. They are straightforward touts. We are silly. Very, very silly. Message received, Mr President.
Now my San Francisco neighbors hate me as if I'd screamed out "faggots!" in a Farmer's Market, Sailor Ripley lost his car pooling privileges and found an Eracism sticker on his SUV, and Vasherized called me weeping. Literally bawling. He actually hasn't been affected. It's just Wednesday.
It gets weirder...
I get a hand-delivered letter twenty minutes ago. It had a gilded T on the envelope and was sealed with a fragrant waxy vellum. The impressions of a signet ring - a D laid over a T - were still fresh in the carnauba. It smelled of pine cones and inheritance. A note scrawled with a fine ink quill read:
Listen, you're very classy and I'm the classiest ally you could possibly have in helping to call out this administration for its lack of class and you're going to be very big and everyone regards you as a hero and I should know because I've had great success in everything I've done and everyone knows this and even my enemies admit that I am very classy and very successful in all things and King of New York.
~ The Donald ~
Why is Donald Sutherland writing me?!?!
Here at Barking Carnival, I have always taken great pains in avoiding talking politics. Although I love discussing ideas, I hate talking politics, because politics are to ideas what sledgehammers are to window cleaning. It engenders petty resentments and tribalism amongst our magnificent readers and I'm forced to read your ridiculous ideas about how the world works.
I've been racking my brain about how I may have possibly caused offense, and I can think of only these incidents:
I remarked to a friend, on what I erroneously believed to be an untapped phone line, that only in effete Washington DC could midget ballerina Rahm Emanuel be considered a tough guy. It's the same math that allowed Norman Mailer to be considered a badass in the literary set. I could have beaten up Gore Vidal as an 8th grader. Thank you. I simply offered that I would liver punch Emanuel if he ever tried to make me vote against proclaiming October 13th Klingon Appreciation Day. By the way, Rip Torn hit Norman Mailer with a hammer. Not Mailer! I must kill Kingsley! No, baby. You trust me, baby.
The 1970s - what were you people doing?
Once, after Chykie Brown surrendered a 61 yard touchdown, I blurted out: "Obama Indonesian Muslim Trotskyite Nanny State!" I was immediately consumed by guilt. I do not understand why I did this. It just happened. It was there in my subconscious and it came out. In my defense, I've also screamed out: "George Bush Fuckpants Uranium Cake Excessive Borrowing!" when Blake Gideon took a bad angle.
I mentioned, off-hand, in a grocery store checkout line, that Michelle Obama had nice, toned arms. In no way was I hitting on or disrespecting The First Lady.
Like everyone, I like to put all of the presidents in brackets, seed them like the NCAA Tournament, and imagine them bare knuckle boxing under Marquis De Queensbury rules in which the referee can punish a foul by flogging the offender with a switch, fights last five hours, and hip throws are legal.
I offer you whatfor, sir! A firm biffle to your nozzle!
I had a George Washington - Teddy Roosevelt final. Taft really took a lot out of Andrew Jackson and TR rolled over him in the quarterfinals. Washington got a hell of a fight from Lincoln, but power punching triumphed over Lincoln's sharp jab.
I had Obama going out in the 2nd round to Warren G Harding after trouncing James Monroe in 1st round. I stand behind that. A week ago, I couldn't find my bracket on the fridge, where it had been since March, 2009. Had it been spirited to our Commander-in-Chief by spec ops? Is this why I'm being punished? Does he think he's Elite 8 material?
I apologize for any offense to our President. For suggesting he's too skinny to beat up Warren G Harding, for hitting on Michelle, for suggesting his enforcer was a bit of a puss, for yelling out horrible things that I don't even believe. I am deeply sorry for any pain I may have caused and we would like to return this country to the important business of reality television and Youtube kitten videos.
Thank you and God Bless Us, Every One.