Gentlemen - we did it.
I know we've got that mission accomplished banner layin' around here somewhere. Just give us a few minutes to dust it off. A wise man once said, good coaches win, great coaches cover. And when the deep-fried dust settled last Saturday, we had done just that. Eat our shiny +17 spread, Bodawg! Eat it after it has been fried in 1000 degree grease!
The offense looked better. The Defense was a monster. Special Teams existed. We tackled well - even when the kick returner didn't have the ball. We outgained OU by 250 YARDS! Truly, no victory could be more moral. Savor it. Breathe in its glory.
But the time for half-wins and improvement is rapidly shrinking if our Horns are still eyeing a trip this holiday (but probably not to the Holiday Bowl). What we need right now is a win and some positive momentum. And who better to start with than our old pal Coach Rhoads?
In years past, we may have worried about our date with the upset-minded Cyclones. But not this year. Joke's on them: you can't upset a 2-4 team! MHWHAHAHA. For added effect, the game will be allegedly played on the Longhorn Network, basically robbing the Cyclones of any Paul Rhoades-inspired late game magic. We could call it a perfect storm, but that seems insensitive considering Iowa State's mascot.
Did you know that Mark Mangino is their new offensive coordinator? Better watch out Mark-- UT hasn't been too healthy to Lane Bryant-sized coaches this year. We're basically the Double Down of the Big 12. And Pepto don't come in Burnt Orange.
So we're doubling down this week. In front of literally hundreds of viewers tuning it to watch Ricky and the rest of the LHN crew. Texas is ready. Are you?
PART 1: Faces in the Crowd
Sure, the fine people of corn country are known far and mid-wide for their naming conventions. The Jantz family in particular is a friend of the program. But have you been keeping up with the latest in Iowa follicle follies? Let's take a look:
6'1", 214 lbs, RS Soph
Stats: 7/7 FG, 18/18 PAT, career long 41 yds
Signature Move: Pedo Stache
Most Common Google News Result: Is Iowa State's Cole Netten the nation's best kicker?
6'2", 203 lbs, Junior
Stats: 3/7 FG, 11/12 PAT, career long 42 yds
Signature Move: SEC Swoop(es?)
Most Common Google News Result: Amber Rose, Nick Cannon seen on date.
The Hair Singularity (Hairlarity)
The Tim Riggins Fanclub
Nicole Hunter, Assistant Recruiting Coordinator, has a degree in Elementary Education, which - let's be honest - is probably the best possible background for this kind of role.
The Tight End (Coach)
Yes. That is indeed part of Mangino's current title at Iowa State. Us referencing this fact just proves we are a bunch of 4th graders in need of some help. Possibly from someone with a background in Elementary Education...
PART 2: The Iowa State "Magic Ebollet Theory"
So it seems Iowa State fans, alumni, coaches, and even Athletic Directors believe that there is a conspiracy to keep the little man down. Logic is simple, folks (as composed by an ISU fan, presumably):
Iowa State was the heroic lone vote on some Big-12 issue a year and a half ago. Standing up against persecution, no doubt.
They are being punished with bad calls as a result.
That is the only reason they are 85-132 in the Big 12 era.
Bob Bowlsby was AD at IOWA.
Bob Bowlsby said something that isn't not communist.
He may or may not run into Obama at these potentially communist meet-and-greets.
AND THAT'S NOT ALL
Texas was scheduled to play Iowa State the week after playing OU in Dallas.
Obama, realizing this was a good time to unleash his ebolas (he got them when he was taking one of his trips back home to the family in Africa), sent his pet disease to Ames, via Dallas, via Austin.
Working at the behest of his buddy Bowlsby.
Senator Tom Harkin (D-IA) is the most senior, Junior Senator.
He took over as Chairman of the Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions after Ted Kennedy died.
Ted Kennedy was JFK's brother.
JFK was shot in Dallas.
No one has proved that shooter WAS NOT Steele Jantz.
GO AHEAD AND FORWARD IT OUT TO YOUR FRIENDS, FOLKS. IF YOU DON'T FORWARD IT TO 10 FRIENDS, DAN BEEBE MAY NEVER GET HIS JOB BACK YOU GUYS!! JONATHAN GRAY'S MOMENTUM IS PERPETUALLY NOT STOPPED!
Better Know a Roster
- Maurice Linguist (Secondary Coach) - Cunning.
- Clayton Oyster (Assistant Strength and Conditioning Coach) and Yancy McKnight (Director of Strength and Conditioning) - I can't help but envision "Oyster and Yancy" as a nauseatingly pretentious "New-American" gastropub that takes itself far too serious for an establishment serving maple-glazed and deep fried foie gras poutine with a twice caramelized kale and brussels sprout side salad. I also just love the idea of those rascally players responding "aw, shucks, coach Oyster."
- Aaron Wimberly (RB, Sr.) - Texas isn't going to lose to a guy named after a town created for the sole purpose of antiquing.
- Jake Rhoads (WR, RFr.) - Because we haven't had bad enough luck with coach's kids this year...
- Tad Ecby (WR, RJr.) and Jevohn Miller (LB, Sr.) - This team has a black Tad and a white Jevohn. Neat.
- E.J. Bibbs (TE, Sr.) - More like P.P. Bibbs, amirite?!?
- Holden Kramer (P, RFr.) - Has no time of day for the phonies from Iowa City. (The Punter in the Rye)
- Martinez Syria (RB, Fr.) - in the sappy, unrealistic film version, Martinez has just graduated Basic and is waiting for his base assignment (because they just pick a country right after basic). After learning that his buddy Jernigan is stationed in Turkey, Martinez is devastated to hear his CO read out: "Martinez. Syria."
- Vince Horras (DE, Fr.) and Brandon Horbach (QB, Sr.) - I imagine Paul Rhoads just shouting at people calling them Horras and Horbach--and finding it hilarious. (Sexual...[glasses]...Horrass-ment.)
- Quan West (TE, RSo.) - I'mma let you finish, but Quan-ye West has the best built in freestyle name in Iowa.
KyleCarpenter: Iowa State has been on opposite sides of two of the least conventional/most awesome college football plays I’ve ever seen. THAT Seneca Wallace run. And the 57 yard onside kick from the OSU Cowboys two weeks ago. This tells me that there will be at least 3 Paul Rhoads meltdowns and 4 offensive touchdowns. 31-6, Texas.
TejasChaos: Paul Rhoads attempts to be Pat Moorer’s emotional… ...whatever the opposite of doppelganger is - implodes under the sheer physics. Texas by a touchdown and a dream.