The Texas Pregamer: Texas Tech

Well, that sucked. Black Magic, Bill Snyder, etc. etc.

But where do we stand as a program? For Texas fans of a certain vintage, this is as bad as it has been. Blanked by a state school from Flyover Country only a week after needing all of the seconds and a "Kick From A Rose" to beat Iowa State. IOWA STATE!

Things are so bad that at least ⅔ of the Pregamer staff has fled to China, a land where even things as universally beloved as Kenny G can be contentious.

With no late season Florida Atlantic to buoy the win total a bit, Texas could conceivably lose out and finish with a 3-win season. That would be bad. Historically bad. UT was that bad once in the 1930s, which led to spending all of the school’s Depression-era savings to bring in Dana X. Bible. Or in 1956, when the school fired Edwin Price to bring in another guy with a letter in between his first and last name. Darrell K...something-or-other?

But Texas already has their coach. Charlie M.F.N. Strong (His middle name is actually Rene, but I’m not willing to die making a joke about it).

This year was always going to hurt, but beating those terrible, awful, national championship pilfering, pirate-cum-fashion model ingrates would take a modicum of the sting out of an awful year. And it can’t be that hard right? TCU just hung 82 Points on them!

So to revisit just how bad it’s been: The team that gave up 82 last week (and lost by 55) to a team that "didn't play well all game," is favored against the Horns this week by 24.5 points!! Using some transitive property I just made up, that means that when we play TCU, they will score in the vicinity of 106 points on us.

With red-hot West Virginia, a decent Okie Light, and the marauding Purple Thanksgiving-ruiners looming, this week’s game seems like the most winnable and the most necessary. If Vince can do 42-unanswered against Oklahoma State, surely Swoopes can manage a measly 24.5? Right?

[Gulps]

Hook 'Em,

Better Know a Roster

Texas Tech lists 3 players as "Kicker" and one as…"Place Kicker?" That Kliff Kingsbury kicks konvention to the kurb, for sure. Kliff has kwickly kollected kwite a team and it is our job to kollate that for y’all.

• Jared Kaster (JR, OL) - Unfortunately neither Coach Kingsbury nor any member of his staff is old enough to know why Jared "Plaster" Kaster insisted on rooming with Payton Hendrix (FR, S).
• Kramer Fyfe (SR, K) - Is a good litmus test of cool:
  • If you thought of the flute-like instrument: you’re a band nerd...not so cool.
  • If you thought of medieval feudalism: you are either a history buff or a LARPer, both of which have variable levels of cool.
  • If you thought of 2014 Aussie Rules football MVP, Nathan Fyfe: you are either lying, from Australia (thanks for reading!), or WAY too obsessed with the idea of sports.
  • If you thought of the Scottish County that is the home to St. Andrews: then you are probably a golf aficionado, and have probably been to the Old Course (I hate you).
  • If you thought of the founding member of A Tribe Called Quest: then you can probably discuss the nuances of The Low End Theory vs. Midnight Marauders and are most likely very, very cool.
• Ryan Bustin (SR, K) - Solid O-name-atopoeia.
• Kash Knutson (FR, WR) - Following in the KK/brah mold of his coach. Came up with his name after a circle-jerk with teammates (as Red Raiders often do to pass the time in Lubbock): "Yo, that’s KASH KNUT, SONNNNN!"
• David Brenner (JR, Deep Snapper) - really torn on whether rapper-turned-actor David Banner has a more impressive discography or filmography?
• Vincent Testaverde (FR, QB) - Yes, Our Cousin Vinny’s son! As greasy as you’d imagine.
• Kahlee Woods (FR, LB) - Be careful in the dogpile. She’ll give you the Rash.
• Justin Stockton (FR, RB) - Probably wished Gene Chizik could’ve gotten that hotpants thing going in the Big 12 before leaving Austin.
• Payne Sullins (FR, QB) - Literal antithesis to Pat Moorer’s life philosophy: "Pain is the best."
• Nigel Bethel II (FR, DB) - like Ray Rice, video exists of him punching (and breaking a bone in the face of) a woman in the offseason. He was kicked off the team, but fear not Rice crusaders, he’s back and has played 5 games THIS season!
• Talor Nunez (FR, LB) - It’s like his name is missing a letter in two languages (y+ñ)
• Micah Awe (JR, LB) - Way back in our inaugural Pregamer (then called the Friday Pregamer), we joked assuming his last named was "aww." It is actually pronounced like "ahh way." That knowledge may’ve led to an Tech-specific version of the Usher hit.

Perspective

The UT vs. TT "Rivalry" is apparently called the "Battle for The Chancellor’s Spurs."

Texas is 14-4 since the Spurs were introduced.

• 77%--Remarkably consistent with overall series percentage: 76%
• The 4 losses have all been fairly critical.

UT lost in 97, which mattered little because Texas was awful but it helped usher in MackBrownTexasFootball! That season was over after the UCLA game anyways.

UT Lost in 98, which mattered, but Ricky still won the Heisman.

• If Tech hadn’t held Major Applewhite to his worst game as a starter, the Longhorns would’ve won the Big 12 South, had a rematch against (an undefeated and scary) KSU, negated one of the Aggies only legitimate claims on the side of their stadium, and could’ve vaulted Texas into the Sugar Bowl.

UT Lost in 02, which was unfortunate, but led to Mack over Saban(!!!) in the Cotton Bowl. Pre-"SEC!SEC!" life was glorious.

• This game and Kingsbury’s 900 passing yards in it are probably a big part of why he is the current head coach.
• This loss also knocked Texas out of a trip to the Big 12 Championship and a BCS Bowl.

2008? Never happened. Blake Gide-who? I’ve never heard of him. Michael Crabtree was just a local drug dealer who the 49ers signed in a wonderful rags-to-riches story.

Predictions:

VY Pump Fake: Damnit. Screw you, guy. Texas by 10.

Kyle Carpenter: Will Kingsbury be hungover from the Sorority Halloween party the night before? He went as Justin Bieber for Halloween a few years ago, so there’s that.

Let’s also hope that the Red Raiders defense, not unlike their coach’s watch game, is shoddy and fake. Hanging 42 points after being shutout would do a lot for the fans. Only giving up 42 would be almost 100% improvement for Tech. How does 42 - 31 sound to everyone?

Parting Shot:

Seeing as TejasChaos is on a Trans-Pacific flight (not Malaysian...right?) over some ocean, we’ve had to make do with varying levels of Photoshop skills. A classic!