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The Mixtape: Being Mean to Green

It's easy beating Green.

Nick Laham

Que Paso, Panoches?

Here--basking in the glow of Ricky and Vince together at last--are some tid-bits and sound-bytes for you to use and peruse per your use determinant.

Too bad, so sad, Al Green. (Ed. note: How can you mend a broken head?)

****Well, clearly everything in this piece takes on a different tone with Monday's shitty, shitty, shitty news. The Struggle-Bus? That's it disappearing over the horizon. And there's no one driving it, just a concrete block tied to the accelerator. Passenger of one, and that passenger's name is Hope. Read on if you're in need of some distractions/memories of happier times.*****

TRACK 1 -- "Happy"

The sight of my two favorite Longhorns manning the same desk/general physical area makes my heart warm. There is something fundamentally right about having both guys working the Longhorn GameDay desk. And I can see the early seeds (and stems?) of potential there. They've got a ways to go to be the TNT NBA show, but the Vince "It's So Beautiful" Play of the Game has at least the whiff of EJ's Neat-o Stat of the Night. This. More of this. I don't miss Chris Rix. I do miss Kaylee Hartung. (With the double-turd sandwich of Ash and Espinoza, we all need to go to our happy places STAT.)

TRACK 2 -- "Tell That McCarney He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today"

My pre-game laundry list of things I hoped to see...

* A mudhole. At least a 21-pt margin.   (CHECK)

* Every snap played by Ash ending with him clear-headed and healthy.   (CHECK)

He did his job, which is to play like he got some sense. Or put a different way...To play, because the sense has not been knocked out of him. FECK.

* The Backup QB to get meaningful, legit playing time.   (HECK)

Espy's injury pretty well nuked this line-item. The coaches probably felt Raulerson and Ash needed the reps.

* The Law Firm of Brown & Gray to run wild.   (CHECK BACK)

A combined 147 yds and 2 TDs is nothing to be upset about, as any good Fantasy Football player will tell you. But not the stats orgy I'd have liked. Would like to see each guy more involved in the screen game. We had lots to like screen-wise, but none of it involved the RBs. Nor the Arby's.

* Freshman WRs to flash, make some plays.   (CHECK?)

Could've sworn I saw Army Foreman make a play. The box score says no, but you know what they say about lies, damned lies and statistics. Does Peter Warrick count as a freshman? His listing as a Sophomore makes it less likely.

* MJ McFarland to show something, anything.   (CHECK)

A performance to build on for the human rumor from El Paso. 2 catches is like infinity more than he's had before. This makes his statistical projection curve really impressive. Could also mean the end of the space-time universe.

* Special Teams to look entirely competent.   (HECK)

See: the missed FG that has me singing Seal. And sarcastically clapping at our kicking game like animal would work here for a comedic metaphor? I don't know. My face is scarred up thinking about it. More on faces later...

* Every snap played by Jordan Shipley ending with him clear-legged and healthy.   (CHECK)

* A Texas LB to be the Defensive Player of the Game.   (CHECK!!)

Welcome back, Jordan Hicks.

* End at least +2 in Turnovers.   CHECK

* Long, clock-eating offensive drives.   HECK

My fuzzy math had us at about 2:40 per drive. Not terrible. Not where we'll need it to be.

* A little Donald Catalon.   HECK

Though this was off-set a bit by D'Onta Foreman averaging 19 yds/carry. Take that, Kenny Hill!

* The OL.   HECK?

Not sure what to make of them. So I'll go with "Question mark????"

* For Colbert/Haines/Hall to show something, begin to separate.   CHECK BACK

Colbert and Haines made plays. The collective play of the safeties has not yet begun to live separately like Journey yet, though.

* Kill-your-soul, will-breaking D.   DOUBLE CHECK

TRACK 3 -- "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Gameface"

Will Season Openers tell us as much about Charlie Strong teams as they always did about Mack Brown teams? What say you?

TRACK 4 -- "Kick From A Rose"

The missed FG is a concern. Strongball does not mesh well with Iffy Kicky. Good distance on kickoffs. Need more cowbell, and by cowbell I mean accuracy.

TRACK 5 -- "Swagga Line-Up"

I'm sure it's just projection on my part, but everything about our D pre-snap exuded total confidence. To say this was not always the case last year would--HA HA HA HA. Seriously, though, we look like we know what we're doing. I no longer take that for granted. I've been hurt.

TRACK 6 -- "Down First"

UNT didn't have a 10-yard play the whole game? Is that right? Thrice, the Median Green busted an 8-yard nut all over the face of our D. Not very Mack Brown Explosive. For more on the face of our D...

TRACK 7 -- "Pucker Face"

It won't be me who tells him, but Ced Reed has Bitter Beer Face.

TRACK 8 -- "Zero U?"

Pop quiz, hot shots! What QBR does the following stat line yield: 3/17, 15 yds, 4 INTs, 4 sacks? Seriously, nerds, I want to know.

TRACK 9 -- "What If (C-O-L-T Spelled 'Dog?)"

What would the Colt/Shipley '08 offense have looked like going up against the Strong/Bedford/McCarney '08 defense? We'd have found out if there was a shred of justice in the college football world. You know how I know you're gay? Because you think the BCS tie-breaker made sense. How would that Texas-Florida title game have altered the course of history? Would Mack have retired? Would Muschamp have ended up at Florida? Would Strong have ended up here?

TRACK 10 -- "Mormon, Said Knock You Out"

Interested in seeing how Strong manages his team this week, after a good win. I expect he'll bang the 2013 BYU drum long and loud. As he should. I'm a little worried for Aysom Hill, though.

The T we're putting back in Texas we're taking out of him. Now if only we could put the QB back in Texas.

Now kick out the jams.